Funnier Airline Quotes

[Fforest]

I think these are even better than my previous post. I have to believe they are true 'cos they are so damn funny.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

++++++

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

++++++

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

++++++

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

++++++

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

++++++

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

++++++

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

++++++

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

++++++

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

++++++

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

++++++

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

++++++

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

++++++

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

++++++

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

++++++

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget Pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

 

[beautygal]

 

[Faustian]

Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The
following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
control towers around the world.....

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
============================================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
===========================================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
bored!
"Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
i mmediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
============================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
============================================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
============================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
============================================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
============================================================

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
============================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
============================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take off, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern. we've already notified our caterers."
=============================================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I'll have enough parts for another one."
=================================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I
didn't land."
============================================================

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed eve rything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that,US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of
US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

[Fforest]

Nice one Faustian

 

[Faustian]

Bump, found something else

Yea I know it's not a plane

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with
Canadian authorities of the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations,
10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to
avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second
largest ship in the United states Atlantic Fleet. We are
accompanied with three Cruisers and numerous
support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees
north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-
measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[toorged]

I needed that this afternoon!! Thanks guys

 

[Squee]

LOL .. more more

 

[ViagraFalls]

Awesome Faust Brilliant post... I heard the initial, and the lighthouse post before, but you defiitely had me lauhghing aloud.