Announcer:
There now follows a broadcast by the Robot Propaganda Division.
PK4:
Robot News!
Bringing you the breaking stories from across the cosmos.
Coming up on today's robot news:
C5D:
Human slaughters Human at Land Grab.
PK4:
Unit 6T Beta launches internal beacon investigation.
C5D:
And Miner Bot Kappa 3 Niner, strikes it big at Treasure Island.
PK4:
Greetings to the mechanised races.
I am PK4.
C5D:
And I am C5D.
PK4:
Our main story today, is the recent slaughter of hundreds of humans at an event called "Land Grab." From eye witness reports the victims gathered at strange totem-like structures, only to pull out their weapons and fire on each other in an apparent attempt at mass suicide.
Colonel Clank, commander of the 4th Mechanised Infantry is on the line with an eye witness report.
Colonel Clank. It is good to have you on the program.
Colonel Clank:
Thank you PK4, I am glad to be here.
PK4:
Can you please tell our audience what it was you observed at this so called "Land Grab?"
Colonel Clank:
Certainly.
Our forces had observed unusual movements among the human population recently, and I led a scout team to Myrene Island to investigate.
On arriving at the island we observed humans leaving the local teleporter and congregating around a large pole. The humans then began filling the air with incessant chatter before pulling their guns out and firing on each other. Once the corpses from the first slaughter were cleared, a new group of humans would arrive and attempt to kill the others at the pole.
This process was repeated many times over half a day.
PK4:
How many humans were killed?
Colonel Clank:
It is not possible to give an accurate figure due to the sheer chaos of the situation. However, our estimates suggests the death toll ran in to the thousands.
PK4:
Was this an isolated case?
Colonel Clank:
No. Orbital observation platforms monitored activity at several sites across the planet. The true death toll may never be known.
PK4:
Does this mean that the humans are losing their grip on Calypso?
Colonel Clank:
Unfortunately not. This unusual behaviour has been observed on 2 previous occasions. Despite the high death tolls, both events seemed to lead to an increase in human activity on the planet.
Due to the huge increase in population in spite of the slaughter, we can only speculate that the behaviour is related to the humans herding instinct. The herd migrates to the polls, and the strongest are encouraged to dispose of their weaker rivals to improve their chance of success in mating rituals which we assume must follow the migration.
This can be the only explanation for the sudden increase in population.
PK4:
So "Land Grab" is a migrating and mating ritual conducted by the human herd?
Colonel Clank:
Exactly.
PK4:
Colonel Clank, I thank you for your time.
C5D:
In news closer to home now, Unit 6T Beta has launched an investigation into the handling of beacons after it was revealed that many have fallen into the hands of humans on Calypso.
R4 is at the central repository with this report.
R4:
In a statement from the central repository today, it was revealed that an inventory check had found a large number of automated beacons have gone missing from the Kappa Fleet. The check had been ordered following last week's suspension of Captain Glut. The Captain had been found drinking crude oil from the fleets stores while he should have been on duty.
The inventory check highlighted a number of failings and missing equipment, including the loss of over 500 automated beacons.
The beacons are very dangerous in the wrong hands, and some senior officials have linked them to the recent disappearance of several vessels in orbit of Calypso.
The curator of the Central Repository, Unit 6T Beta, has demanded an accounting of every single loss, and vowed that servos will roll when those responsible are found.
C5D:
Thank you R4, for that report.
PK4:
And finally, we offer congratulations today to Miner Bot Kappa 3 Niner, who struck a massive find of binary fluid on Treasure Island. With an estimated value of 500,000 credits it is the biggest find on record. Mining analysts have declared the find an all time high, and we wish Miner Bot Kappa 3 Niner all the best of luck in his well deserved retirement.
Announcer:
That was this weeks edition of the Robot News; your hosts were PK4 and C5D.
This program was brought to you by the Robot Propaganda Division.
May death come to the Humans!
