Avatar sex vs. irl sex dilemma

Avatar gender vs. irl gender dilemma

Hi made a new thread about this area of discussion, cause it actually handles more complex dilemma...

See, I have this friend...and YES I AM TALKING ABOUT A FRIEND HERE!!!
who is irl male. He made a female avatar for the most obvious reasons discussed in this forum earlier...and also because he wanted to see the opposite life for awhile. And he made RPG:in a female a way of art -I even was sold!

He then met a irl lesbian female in PE....they fell in love and now he is confused whether to tell her he is not actually a she.... He did not tell he was a he in the first place, cause he was rpg:in and in that time it did not matter...it started to matter AFTER their relationship went deeper.

Oh sigh I tried to tell him the longer he waits telling the worse the thing goes...

Anyone of you have had this kind of dilemma? Any advice??? How it went? And plz no joking this is really about actual irl feelings...my friend is very upset, ´cause he is afraid she might walk if she´d know...to tell or not to tell?


And NO I am not a lesbian, nor am I male....*you´d ask it anyways* I just am very worried about my friends stress level. Any words of courage?

There is only one thing to do...

the most important thing in life...

be honest...

to yourself and to others...

Ah yes.. the stuff soap operah's are made of.

Well it all depends on whether or not this lebanese girl has professed her love for him/her yet.... if yes.... mmmm.....

Suggestion for the "friend" (lets face it... its never the friend is it?)....

Tell the truth.... and live with it.... its got to come out some time.... especially if this is to ever go any further...lol....into the real world i mean.
If it works out then good.... if not it was never meant to bee.

Yup, you have to be honest here.
Who knows.. maybe this girl he fell in love with has some secrets too.

Good luck to your friend.

ZarathustrA said:

Yup, you have to be honest here.
Who knows.. maybe this girl he fell in love with has some secrets too.

Good luck to your friend.

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Umm ... yeah.. just imagine they're BOTH guys irl....
Good skill.

Well, the wonders of online dating

He's just got to be honest, or if he can't tell her, sell all his skills, and move his gear and money to a new avatar, it's the easy way out!

and yea, you never know, she might be roleplaying too

gurkha said:

Well, the wonders of online dating

He's just got to be honest, or if he can't tell her, sell all his skills, and move his gear and money to a new avatar, it's the easy way out!

and yea, you never know, she might be roleplaying too

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Thats what I left out.... new avatar... transfer skills... meet said person again... and make her fall for you again, this time telling her you're a guy...

As for What Dark Angel said in the post below.... I normally like to wait until they have significantly embarrassed themselves before telling Im a male with female avatar.

Youre friend needs to tell the truth asap.

I'm a male playing a female avatar for rp'ing reasons. As I get to know people ingame I always pm them with the information of my rl gender.

I'm spending much time in PA and regularly getting hit on by male noobs, I always get a good laugh, but dont tell them the truth.

I guess some of you already know so I don't care to make this public

The Mighty said:

Ah yes.. the stuff soap operah's are made of.

Well it all depends on whether or not this lebanese girl has professed her love for him/her yet.... if yes.... mmmm.....

Suggestion for the "friend" (lets face it... its never the friend is it?)....

Tell the truth.... and live with it.... its got to come out some time.... especially if this is to ever go any further...lol....into the real world i mean.
If it works out then good.... if not it was never meant to bee.

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Yeah, I told him so too. He has played almost a year now. He actually was the one to intruduce PE to me. He just kept talking about the game, so I decided to try

My brother had his birthday-party a while ago and we talked the whole night about the issue with this friend I´m talking about. I did not even know it is possible to fall in love in virtual universe! He keeps telling me how this person is that and that and that. And I keep listening my ears hot.

I told him to come clean, because IF she really is in love with his personality, the gender oughto not matter. And he lives in Finland and she lives in United States anyways..... so they might not ever meet... Well that is the reason he uses NOT to tell her.

Oh well, this matter actually does not involve me...just trying to handle the situation...I mean -he came to talk to me about this issue...(perhaps because I am the only one in this circle of friends who actually RPGs and plays the same online game...) But what if he wants ME to tell her??... Should I do it???? If he asks I mean?

Having experience in both: online crushes and guys pretending to be girls (I think I can count 3 or 4 right away in PE alone), I can just suggest being honest - even if it would end whole thing. Longer the lie continues more serious impact it has. Its all about playing with other persons feelings.

(Btw when it goes to level of talking about irl things I dont think "I was just RPing" is any excuse for not telling.)

But it doesnt necessarily need to be end. Some people dont mind that much how genital area looks like and can accept a person as it is. I do know lesbians who have falled in love with men and heteros who fallen in love with same sex person. After all if the person is right, should it matter what kind of body that person has?

Its good to remember that online love is more like a crush though - based only on good things you know or think you know of the another person. It can come down quickly after seeing some bad things.

In net you easily see a mixture of what you want to see, what other wants to show and way too little what is real.

If she is really in love with him, gender does matter, she goes for girls remember ?

Remember, since he was not honest... she is in love with his avatar and the personality he makes her think he is, not with who he really is...

come clean, be honest...

She fell in love with a guy's personality.... mmm.... either says he's very feminine.... or she's not really lebanese....

so they are in love now? other lives in finalnd and other in the US? well i'd say its more of an crush, than love, sorry but i'm lil sceptic bout these "net <3" things...

anyways, he should come clean, further it goes, worse it gets, never play with other ppl's emotions...

The Mighty said:

either says he's very feminine.... or she's not really lebanese....

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Is a guy who loves tomboy-girl gay then?

Essi said:

Is a guy who loves tomboy-girl gay then?

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If gay means happy... sure

Ah well thats not an Easy Task for your Friend but i think he have to tell her.
Actually this Girl never Seen or Heard him so its more or less the Personalety she like. Maybe, but just maybe she understand it and they can still be friends. Of Course it can also Turn bad and thats it, but better a clean Cut than a Life in Lies.

If he ask you to do this Refuse it, he have to do it self or he wont be able to look this Person in the "Virtually" Eyes anymore. Rl IS more Important than the little PE Secret he have.

From own Expirience i can everyone only Suggest to be very very Carefull when starting a Online Relationship who is going to take Place outside the Chatrooms or PE.

I wish your Friend good Luck with that and the Courage to Clear this Issue fast

I had a few crushes / relationships which had started virtual (IRC chat) and ended IRL.

from my expirience is it like that most ppl are not the same IRL and in VR, we are in VR much opener, we can talk about our depest secrets with persons we have met just once or twice, but when the things go on IRL, we wont whow our VR face, we are hidden behind a mask when we look in the real eyes of the person we knew just as a nick or a avvi.

To your friends problem:
If he really cares about the girl, he should tell her the truth, it will hurt, she will be disapointed or even hate him because of the lies he told her, but it will hurt less now, her and him, than it would hurt if the "relationship" goes deeper. IMO he should start the conversation with a "I love you, but I have to tell you something...." I dont know why but this seems like the right begining for a such kind of storry.

I wish him the best, and more than all I wish him the strength which he will need to say the beloved person, that she is loving a vision, just a phantasy, and not the person she thinks about.

If she has truely fallen in love with your friend, then He should tell her so that it wont hurt her in the future or that they can actaully a IRL relationship. It doesn't matter if he is a Male or Female if they love each other.

MA could resolve this all very easily, by bringing back the "nude patch", and ensuring that all avatars have there RL players "true credentials" stored in their underwear.

That way if two avatars chose to become intimate the true nature of their biology would be revealed (To the sound of Crying Game music in the background)

All jokes aside, as Nea said - Don't play with people's emotions - Love is about Truth and Honesty - anything else is just selfishness.

Thank you guys

Thank you all, I am sure he will read this thread and think it over again. And Thank you, for myself, for supporting my thoughts...it gave me strenght to tell him again what he should do.

Maybe I´ll let you know what happened, if and when he finally tells her.

Avatar sex vs. irl sex dilemma

Must say, I find irl sex ALOT better than avatar sex.

---------------------- Joke end --------------------

Before I start babling I must say I didn't read all the posts, so bare with me if I write something that have been mentioned/answered before.


There is 2 things you friend could do, but only one of them would be the right thing to do.

1. Tell it like it is.
2. Don't tell anything, and just wait it out.


So what would you consider the right thing to do ?

1. Will hurt her fealing, but would be considered the right thing
2. Would not be considered the right thing, but most likely her fealings will just slowly fade away, and noone will be hurt.


Think it's time for some images with signs stating the Avatar names, just to make sure people are who they say they are

Euroman said:

2. Would not be considered the right thing, but most likely her fealings will just slowly fade away, and noone will be hurt.

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Dunno... I think I would rather know why things dont work instead of having to wonder afterwards why it didnt work. It's always easier when you know that the problem wasnt in you.

I think its to late to turn back now..surgery is the only solution

















Nah,just tell the truth

Id guess you should tell the truth, although it may not turn out well all the time, there is still hope

Wow- I agree, oddly enough, with all of the aforementioned suggestions. They can all be accurate, even though they differ considerably from one another.
I think your friend is the only one who can decide what would be the best way to let her know.

Some1 suggested earlier that the net is only one means of communication... ideally a real relationship would have mutliple. So at the very least they would need to be spending time outside of game together (if only talking on the phone or something which would mean that she would discover his identity). And, while some peeps can have valuable long distance relationships, it usually only works if both ppl are really willing to do it (which is rare I think)... and being that this relationship is based upon false pretentions (that sounds harsh but it's the truth), I don't think it could work... even IF she met your friend and was able to get over the fact that he was really a guy irl I should still think she would have serious reservations (like, she dished out her realities to him online and "grew closer" to him yet he failed to tell her a really fundamental thing like his rl gender).

That's not to say your friend is a "bad" person... we all make mistakes... just some bigger than others

Telling the truth and being honest is always the best answer in everything.

Being the type of game that PE is, a person never really knows if the person behind another avatar is really male or female...and if you really think about it, it shouldnt even matter.

If 2 people of opposite sex in PE (or any other online game or chat) are really true friends, then it should not matter if the truth comes out that they are both of the same sex. They may actually even get a good laugh out of it when they find out they are both the same sex.

If 2 people are very good at role playing and they are same sex in real life but opposite sex in game, there is no reason they cant continue to role play, as long as they both know the real truth and feel confortable with it.

I am male in real life and male in game. I have met some people that are male in real life but play female in game. We flirt a little with each other in game whenever we see each other. He knows I know that she is actually a he in real life, but we still role play. It can be fun, but there are limits as to how far your online attraction can go.

Having said all this, I would also like to comment about something else that was mentioned in this thread, and that is online relationships. I have been in many online relationships with real females. Because you dont have to show your face (unless you have a web cam), it seems easier to really talk and open up and say things that you would not normally say to a person face to face. I have seen many real life relationships fall apart because of online relationships getting in the way, but I can also say that I have seen online relationships start and have carried over to real life and have succeeded. At one time, I thought about trying to meet someone of the opposite sex online and start a relationship, but I have been hurt more times than I care to even remember...so I have decided that online relationships are not for me. It may work for some (and I have seen it work), but it is not for me. I would rather like to meet someone where I can actually look into their eyes and see their expressions and give them a real hug.

Anyway.. this is just my

He's gotta be honest ASAP or it will fester and get worse and worse.

I don't think the PEDS you save playing as a female avatar are worth the confusion and embarrasment of being a guy IRL and a girl in the game.
And yes, I realize you can save hundreds of dollars but it just seems creepy to me.

hmm. To fall in love into a person can result in very curios situations ofc. Myselfe had similary situations 2 times in my life and I know some other persons with same experiences.

I dont wanna sound pesimistic but take care with your feelings. I wanna show another point: PE has a great and helpful community. Lets say 75% of the community is ok and the rest is "mais ou menos" , "so la la" or what else. Well 75% is a nice number. Do u have the same % of helpfull people in RL ?

In an virtual environment it is easier to be kind and helpful and nice and generous. In RL it is much harder.

Ok. I met one my virtual aquaintances face to face and a second found out my private telefone number. Both results led into a little desaster.

So be sure that your and your opponents feelings are really true and from heart and always consider that not all is the truth what u read in an chat.


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I would say that he has to tell her.

honesty is verry important!

Maby he can turn her straight, that happend to me once.

Met a girl, on a lesbian chat site (i was talking to another lesbian friend of myne) and then the girl started falling for me and i fell for her. I told her that i was male, she was pissed and wanted to "kill" me! After she calmed down and chilled we became closer friend, met up at a club (not a gay club) and we went out for about 6 months, then she moved to another city and we broke up.

We are still friends!

Thanks Snipe

Thanks Snipe for great courage-booster and a positive attitude, as for ya all!

I telephoned to him few hours ago and convinced him to tell her...he is gathering his strenghts atm....I am a little worried about him.

Any last-minute soft-landing suggestions?