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Joke of The day!

Kid's say the darndest things.......

KID'S SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS.......

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh,oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall..)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for
crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

 
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Hillary In The Morning................

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Affairs

Have A good Laugh !!!!!!!!!!


________________________________


The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,
they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

________________________________


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

________________________________


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

________________________________


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked
it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

________________________________


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought..

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and
a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

________________________________


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison
work."
 
Salesman calls at a house. A kid answers the door, no more than ten years old. He has a joint in his mouth, a whisky in his hand, and a hooker on his arm.

"Are your parents home?" asks the Salesman.

"Does it fucking look like it?" comes the reply:)


************************************************
A penguin walks into a bar.

"Have you seen my brother in here?" he asks the barman.

The barman says "Dunno, what's he look like?"

************************************************

A company that sells bees to bee-keepers is interviewing their best customer, a young man, for their trade magazine.

"So tell us, what got you interested in Bees in the first place?"

"Well, when I was a child, my grandfather kept bees. I was in his garden once when they got agitated and the entire swarm attacked me. I was in hospital for nearly a month. After that, I knew my calling."

"Fascinating. So how many bees do you have now?"

"Eight million."

"That is a lot of bees; tell us, how many Hives do you keep them all in?"

"Just the one."

"But our regular customers, with less than one million bees, use up to twenty hives! If eight times that amount are all squeezed into one hive, won't they all die?"

"Yep. Fuck 'em."

:):):):)

Hurrikane
 
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Hurrikane said:
Salesman calls at a house. A kid answers the door, no more than ten years old. He has a joint in his mouth, a whisky in his hand, and a hooker on his arm.

"Are your parents home?" asks the Salesman.

"Does it fucking look like it?" comes the reply:)

Hurrikane
Click to expand...

Hope this doesn't ruin the joke. I actually know some people who would let their children do this.
 
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station.....


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​


My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


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​


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".



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​


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started ...
5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


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​
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"


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​


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."


------------------------0------------------------

​

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
 
Life in the Office

NEW FIRM

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "May I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've just come to activate your phone lines."

***********************************

ONE DAY WHILE SCAFFOLDING

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why??" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack that you ARE!'"

***********************************

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

***********************************

BOSS WANTS TOO MUCH

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

***********************************

THE OLD BLACKSMITH AND HIS APPRENTICE

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

***********************************

THE DRUMMER

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
 
Mac Donald Spirit!

erp-badad13.jpg
 
Nice Smell

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]​
 
2 people are on a blind date in a park in the middle of the night, its as dark as a grave.
They have sex, and afterwards they talk a bit.

I love you!
I love you too!

Youre fantastic!
So are you!

Lets meet again?
Yes, every day!

I live in Imaginarytown
Yes me too!

On 5th street
Incredible... me too!

In number 143
Thats impossible... So do i?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Jenny ???
Dad ?!?!??!???!?
 
Optima said:
2 people are on a blind date in a park in the middle of the night, its as dark as a grave.
They have sex, and afterwards they talk a bit.

I love you!
I love you too!

Youre fantastic!
So are you!

Lets meet again?
Yes, every day!

I live in Imaginarytown
Yes me too!

On 5th street
Incredible... me too!

In number 143
Thats impossible... So do i?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Jenny ???
Dad ?!?!??!???!?
Click to expand...

OMG!! :laugh:
 
Optima said:
2 people are on a blind date in a park in the middle of the night, its as dark as a grave.
They have sex, and afterwards they talk a bit.

I love you!
I love you too!

Youre fantastic!
So are you!

Lets meet again?
Yes, every day!

I live in Imaginarytown
Yes me too!

On 5th street
Incredible... me too!

In number 143
Thats impossible... So do i?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Jenny ???
Dad ?!?!??!???!?
Click to expand...


That is sooo wrong :rofl:
 
:D

A dirty one :p

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
 
Vortexy said:
dr_ruth.jpg
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I couldn't understand the rest of the... OHH, now I get it.... :laugh:

So, if you wrote, hope this isn't true. No offense to some people, just my personal opinion (may take a while before you get it; it may help to reread the letter).
 
LOL Nub it is a old joke!!!!!! :)
 
NavadaDucrot said:
LOL Nub it is a old joke!!!!!! :)
Click to expand...

OHHHH..... Really?... I am actually relatively young. Don't know if that is the reason I am ignorant about this joke....
 
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Towels for those staying alone...

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Wow. Aren't they lonely. Really feel sorry for them. So, so sad.

Look on the bright side, everybody. No one to fight with, no one to argue with, no one to talk back at you, no one to nag you.... :laugh:
 
Look at the bad side.... Those are man hands and feet...... HAHAHA
 

Sheila and her husband Barry went for counseling after 37 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Sheila to
stand and unbutton her blouse, he embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, nuzzled her nipples till they stood erect and kissed her
passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow.

Her face was deeply flushed and she panted softly. Sheila shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to Barry and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Barry thought for a moment and replied, well, I can drop her off here Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesday, I play golf.' Can you pick her
up??
 
NavadaDucrot said:
Look at the bad side.... Those are man hands and feet...... HAHAHA
Click to expand...

Well, I haven't been looking at men's hands lately. Well, yeah, that is both ways just wrong.
 
Most Advanced Car Security System

erp-car77k.jpg
 
McDonalds Stories...

This one, I think, is classic...

One day, a man walked into a McDonalds and began ordering. "May I have a...uh...um...one Big Mac...a...uh...medium soft drink...and...large fries." The cashier, reflexively says: "do you want fries with that?" Now, I hear, they are say that employees are also required to say "do you want to SuperSize it?"

***************************************

A new one, I think...

Me and my two children go to the local McDonalds just down the street of my house. Since my wife had our only car, we decided to walk there. We go through the doors of the restaurant and I am about to order when I think about checking my wallet if we have enough money. And guess what happens, I only got enough money for one sandwich and my children and I were really hungry. So I asked for a Big Mac. Since we had one Mac for three people, I kindly asked the cashier to divide the sandwich evenly in three. After a minute or two, I am called and that same cashier, with a curious look on his face, asks "so, what do why do with the other half?"

***************************************
***************************************

Bet you've heard of this case...

A woman sued McDonalds for causing coffee burns on her, saying that they made the coffee too hot. She won. Wonder why they have the label, "CAUTION: HOT!!"

***************************************

Another court case you may have heard of before...

Another woman tried to sue McDonalds for making her child fat. Not surprisingly, she also won. Who remembers the above picture (post #311)? Bet he used Lyposuction or something....

***************************************

Something I believe was true...

McDonald stirrers: at first, the coffee stirrers used to have a spoon at the end, now, they have a flat rectangle. Why? Cocaine. No, they didn't put cocaine in every stirrer, but cocaine addicts used it to measure coke(no way related to my name, well, very indirectly). It was use in many court cases. So the famous name decided to change the shape at the stirrers end. Bet some of you behind your computer moniters saying, "MAN, wish they still had those old stirrers...."
 
Vortexy, I remember that pic. Their was also, somewhere, where someone put a lock around a pole:

fail-owned-bike-lock-owner-fail.jpg
 
mycokerewards said:
Vortexy, I remember that pic. Their was also, somewhere, where someone put a lock around a pole:

fail-owned-bike-lock-owner-fail.jpg
Click to expand...

LOL somehow reminds me of a friend's dad who advised him to swap his spark plugs around at night to deter thieves. Realising it's taking off the high tension lead that really disables a car my friend challenged his dad's advice, saying the thieves would still probably be able to start the car with swapped-over spark plug leads.
"Aye, " said his dad. "But they won't like how it drives."

I loved the fact his dad was ok with his car being stolen as long as the thieves had an unenjoyable getaway drive:)

Hurrikane
 
Aussie Male and Female (No pun intented)

aussie_f.jpg


and

aussie_m.jpg
 
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