Vortexy's Diary

Thursday, May 4, 2006

It seemed that after the 61k Falx Stalker, general loot sux though globals are still ok. Sold my Ep-41 for TT + 270.. woo hoo!

It just dawned me that selling items through EF is quite a hassle (on time and venue to meet). This creates frustration on the few miserable items that we 'sold' via the selling thread. Note to self : Sell only big margin items via EF. Small margins.... TT it.


House Fire

A blonde's house is on fire so she runs outside to use
a payphone to call for help. She gets the 911 operator,
and gets transferred to the firehouse. "Mr. Fireman,
my house is on fire you have to help me!" The Fireman
replies, "Yes, yes Miss, how do I get to your house?"
The blonde pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's
the house that's on fire." Realizing he is now talking
to a blonde, the fireman comes back with "No Miss, how
would you like me to get to your house?", to which the
blonde replies, "Duh, big red truck."

Bad day

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Friday, May 5, 2006

Been losing peds at crafting lately. Maybe should return to what I do best... HUNTING!

On a lighter note, materials for crafting semes to be shooting up. Might pack up my MF-210 (L) and OF-211 (L) and go mass mining.

Even with the sale of my EP-41, due to purchase of ores/minerals, ped card dropped to 3 digit.

Old man and Umbrella


An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him now he was feeling



"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"



The doctor considered this for a moment, and then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him.



"He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."



"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.



Dumfounded, the old man replied, "No."



The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"



"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear!"



"That's kind of what I'm getting at ………… " replied the doctor

Saturday, May 6, 2006

Damn.... lost tonnes of peds to crafting as the return rates were like 60% only (after including materilas worth percentage). All in all, this week alone lost 1k to crafting and 1.2k to hunting. Down to my last 100 peds.

Today went to limna to try my luck again and lo and behold, Morg got the esto 2.9k 30 metres away from me. Only consolation was a ESI.

All in all, lost 2k peds this week. Got 5 ESI and bought some items though.

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For Women Only
A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see
a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only".
Since they were without their boyfriends or parents,
they decide to go in.

The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to
them how it works. "We have 5 floors...go up floor by
floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you
can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor
has signs telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign
reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The
friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the
next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here
have it long and thin."

Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move
up to the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the
men here have it short and thick." This was still another
disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors
left, they move on to the next floor.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the
men here have it long and thick."

The women get all excited and are just about to go in
when they realize that there is one floor left. Wondering
what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor,
where the sign reads, "There are no men here. This floor
was built only to prove that there is no way to please
a woman."


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Laughter The Best Medicine

Amazon Explorer

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon
surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself,
"Oh God, I'm screwed."

The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are
NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash
in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief.
Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily
looking at 100 angry natives...

The voice booms out again, "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."


Creation of Adam

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad
news. What do you want to hear first?"

Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."

God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain.
You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply
to work one at a time."


Rear Ended


A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while
stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big
semi. Furious, the guy in the passenger seat throws
his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back
to the truck and starts banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing
there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue
your ass, Buddy!"

The truck driver, being a truck driver, laughs and says,
"Suck my dick!"

The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes
get real big and his face just lights up. He runs back
to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't
believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Looks like most of my friends are concentrating on one field (meaning selling out their other skills). Some are into crafting, some into mining, etc. For the moment I will still do all three.

Crafting is not as good as when I first started.

Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to
show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of
the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through
the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot
is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot
is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with
huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react;
thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling
up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among themselves and looking desperately
to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane
starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are
becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the
airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane
lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief
and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days
the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna
get killed!"

Thursday, May 11, 2006

My newest disciple, Corwin has certainly made me proud. Just after 2 days he has reached 15%! With another new axe that I gave him... looks like the sky is the limit.

His socmates (Jurai Blood members) have been giving him some stuff too! Anna gave him some armor parts and my recent disciple that graduated , Governator Chang brought him for hunts. Damn I miss Jurai Bloods.

Stick Humour

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Laughter The Best Medicine

Stick Humour II


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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

My new disciple really made me proud. Less than a week and he is already 42%! Hope to get more like him.

Other than that crafting is making me loose like 300 peds a day. After 150 tries, I discovered that full quantity is better than full condition at my present skills.

Accountant

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells
him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant
says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman
replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says,
"No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too
crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says,
"Ok, I'm a prostitute." The accountant replies, "No,
that is still too crude. Try again." They both think
for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken
farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming
have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" The
woman answers, "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last
year."


Holy Golf


Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing
golf. Moses stepped up to the tee and drove a long one.
It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward
the water. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water
parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long
one directly toward the same water. It landed directly
in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the
water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped
it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the
ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming
traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and
hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof
of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down
the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward
the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it
hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and
onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a
very large bullfrog jumped upon the lily pad and snatched
the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped
down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed
over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped
the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful
hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing
with your Dad."

Strange Floater

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her
one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him
into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed
a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with
water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity;
surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't
mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to
chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the
best of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this." Pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
down town last fall and I found this little package.
It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and
it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is
working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

My wish was granted. Got two new disciples (Karl and Virus) which I am confident are long time players. Woo Hoo!

Corwin Corey atm is now 53% and got his first global last night. On a Furabura! Looks like my third ME item coming up soon (I think by this week!)

The Statue


A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard
her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she
dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just
pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered
the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it
so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue -- not even later
that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the
morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass
of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood
like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody
offered me so much as a glass of water."

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Disciples
Man. My disciple Corey is really shooting it off! 63% as of early today. Loaned him a set of 2A plates for those 'slightly tougher mobs. The other two (Karl and Virus) each got a set of armor and an opalo to start them off.

Hunting
Unfortunately hunting these days are not globaling for me. With the current lag of 500ms to 700ms (used ping -t mindark.com and ping -a mindark.com) at my area the last few weeks made it worse. This made me to concentrate more on crafting.

Real Life
Financial problems are knocking at the door again. sigh... Need to strike a big lottery then all my problems are solved (or a ATH so I can withdraw ) Workload loading up too. NExt week gotta go outstation. So wont be on Monday & Tuesday. Instead will be soaking up at the spa of the hotel...


Copies
The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to console
him after the attack on the Pentagon:
"I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But
in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we
have copies of everything."

Headless
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Married Mans Confession - 18 sx

This married man goes to confession and he tells the
priest, "I had an affair with a woman...almost." The
priest says, "What do you mean almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together
is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near
that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50
in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says
his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses
for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over
to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money
in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it
and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

Friday, May 19, 2006

Wow, things are pretty bad at EU. Broke even in crafting, lost like 200 peds in hunting and 20 peds in mining. This rate will be losing all the stuff that I had gained to date.

Bought myself a vigi set from EF; just waiting to collect it and pay for it too. Hope with this vigi armor completes my need for bot/pvp armor and mob - ghost.

Was thinking whether a further deposit would 'change' my current luck. To date only USD 10 was my capital. Will test this deposit theory when I REALLY am out of peds.


Jet Fuel

A couple of drinkin buddies who are airplane mechanics
are in the hanger at JFK airport in New York; it's fogged
over and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything
to drink?" The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you
can drink jet fuel and that will give you a buzz." So
they decide to try the jet fuel, they get trashed and
have a good old time like only drinkin buddies can do.

The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid
to sit up for fear his head will explode from the awful
hangover he's going to have. He gets up and feels good,
in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER!

The phone rings and it's his buddy. The buddy says,
"Hey how are you feeling this morning? I'm actually
feeling really good!" The buddy says, "Me too! I feel
great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover...we
ought to do this more often!"

"Yeah, we could but there's just one thing...." "What's
that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No...Why?" "Well, DON'T,
'cause I'm in PHOENIX!"



Shy Guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful
woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering
up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you
for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No,
I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar
is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed
and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry
if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student
in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What
do you mean, $200?"

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Had to rejoin Jurai Blood due to some problems that they are facing. Will rejoin BAHQc again once it is solved. Anyway will be offline till next Wednesday. Till then, good luck to all of you there.


Tarzan Introduction

Tarzan is swinging from vine to vine in his jungle until
he spots a beautiful girl. He swings over to her and
introduces himself. "ME TARZAN, KING OF THE JUNGLE!,
WHAT YOU NAME?"

The girl responds, "Hi, I'm Jane."

Tarzan asks, "WHAT WHOLE NAME!".

She replies, "!!!!".



Eggin Him On

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm
boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken
coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored
one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the
colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Somethings are always not what it seems.

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The same goes to JB. I am not there to take over as permanent leader but to solve it for you guys. TEMPORARY will take the role (if get enough vote that is) then solve the Sin Vs Al & Phaser issue.

Anyway, hope thos JB memebrs reading this will remain calm till we get the leadership thingy sorted out.


Plane Crash

A passenger jet looses all of its engines and the passengers
know they Are going to crash. There are three women
sitting next to each other in one of the rows. The
Italian woman opens her purse and begins pinning money
all over her clothing. The other women ask why and
she says that when the rescuers begin searching the
crash site they will see the money and rescue her first.
The Jewish woman begins putting on all of her jewelry,
saying that the rescuers will see the gems and rescue
her first. The black woman begins taking off all of
her clothing. The two other women ask why she is undressing.
She says, "Everybody knows the first thing they always
look for is the black box."

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Well, tried to reason with Sin but he insisted on his way. Since he was appointed by Treatz, I let it be. Returned to BAHQ cadets.

Tarzan

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for
25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for
sex. Jane, a reporter, came to African in search of
this legendary figure. One day, deep in the wilds,
she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously
thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in
awe for awhile. Finally, overcome by this display of
animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered
herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass,
Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked
her in the crotch really hard. In pain, she screamed,
"What the hell did you do that for?". Tarzan replied,
"Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

Needs

A few months after his parents were divorced, little
Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing
her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this
several times. One day, he came home from school and
heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom,
he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his
room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed,
started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need
a bike! I need a bike!"

The Mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his
new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly,
non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though,
as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making
life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the
forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared
up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing
her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their
feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer
stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked
by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head
yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and
whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his
head no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor
later asked the farmer what that was all about. The
farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible
tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.'
The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and
I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked
up for a year.'"

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Had to work today due to some function that my organisation was having. As usual, after the opening I sneaked back to office to play PE. They only need me for the opening and closing as the invited speakers weregiving their paper throughout.

Anyway logged in and met Fallen Angel (fellow socmate). We went hunting ambus and basically loss. We hunted like 100 - 200 ambus and not even 1 global. The nearest was a 30 pedder. I was using amped MK II and amped marber bravo while he was using amped 2875 and amped camo jungle (thus resulting in the high cost of decay and ammo). It was fun though.

Now the update on my disciples. Woo hoo!

• Corwin Corey (my prized student) - 80%

• Karl Che Lin - 6%

• Frankie Franklon Meng - 2%

• Md Virus - 1%

Last month was a good one. All 4 out of 4 recruits are active disciples.

Scotsman and the Egg

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived
next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and
each morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen
had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about
to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the
egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told
him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the
hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said,
"In my family we normally solve disputes by the following
actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it
takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls
and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever
gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found
his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took
a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and
kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman
fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony
for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's
my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the fucking
egg."


Missing Goat

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across
this big hole. "Wow . . . that looks deep." "Sure does
. . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it
is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and
wait . . . no noise "Man. That is REALLY deep . . .
here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there.
Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-
sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . .
. and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey
. . . over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie.
Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker
in, it's GOTTA make some noise. The two drag the heavy
tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes
from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a
goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward
the two men, then right past them, running as fast as
it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what
they've just seen . . . Then, out of the woods comes
a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey . .
. you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did!
Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", say the farmer,
"That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained
to a railroad tie.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Wow... guess there are a lot of jerks out there in EU (as in real life). I was trading with my disciple at Cape Corinth when a guy (U****u) came and start cursing at my disciple. He could have just went the other way or strafe sideways. sigh.... Then when Apathy and me confronted him, he just called us morons, stupid, etc. I remembered the nick Ub***u like a year ago was in either sweat or items trading actively in noob stuff. So I mentioned that I knew he started from trading sweat and till now have a coat and all. Then.. all of a sudden he started accusing me a liar. What an immature player. Then when we (Apathy and I) said that it is not nice to call others names and all, he kept repeating like a broken record player that we are morons and liars. Every word we said (about him calling others names), he will retort with liar or moron. Grow up man. Gotta talk to my friend Karl Van Hungus who is the general of his soc. Maybe he can talk some sense and maturity into him. Really spoiled my mood and my disciples today.

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed
there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something
was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill,
you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with
the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Uber bad...

That is what I can say about the loot these days. (or maybe I need to depo more?).

Been busy with work and some 'programmes' that my organisation is organising. So loggin into PE like 5 - 10 minutes then log off for 1 hour and so on. Got a PM from a would be disciple but he never show up at the 'designated place and time'. He must have been busy too.



WHAT A WIFE SAYS...AND MEANS


The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Phew... office event was over. Now can concentrate back on EU. Disciples are showing progress except for virus. The rest are currently

• Corwin Corey - 83%

• Frankie Franklon Meng - 24%

• Karl Che Lin - 13%

Nice... Hopefully my next ME item will be a nice one.

Saw two domes at Wolverine Hope? Think this is MA's new 'land' for sale.

Dumb and Dumber


AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received
a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
who's lacking intelligence.

---------------------------------------------------

With a Little Help from Our Friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting
to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside
his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting
pleas to come out and give himself up.

---------------------------------------------------

What Was Plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts.

---------------------------------------------------

These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-
day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy
last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a
classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

AND

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for
three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School
principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-
tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-
intelligence" policy.

---------------------------------------------------

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause
of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month
- a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention
alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said
the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and
stole my new security system..."

---------------------------------------------------

For the Main Course

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing
46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad
tongs.

---------------------------------------------------

The Getaway

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked
for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the
take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and
worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.

---------------------------------------------------

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked
into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding
from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give
him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed
had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the
man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with
a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire
in to try and find the missing brain.

---------------------------------------------------

Have I Got a Deal for You!

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
badly enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist
flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the
would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next
vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples
and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis
to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore
mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to
the moon also available." Authorities believe that
the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars.

---------------------------------------------------

Too Well-Educated

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an
MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three
people. "There are too many business grads out there,"
he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may
not have happened."

---------------------------------------------------

Did I Say That?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the
words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man
shouted, "That's not what I said!"

---------------------------------------------------

Ouch, That Smarts!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise
when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded
in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed
the loot down the front of his pants as he was running
out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around,"
said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion
taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's
charred trousers in custody.

---------------------------------------------------

Are We Not Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you
idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

---------------------------------------------------

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

Saturday, June 3, 2006

Wow... now it is 2am at Malaysia. Just came back from a round of KTV and still wide awake. Anyway my fellow disciples are moving forward (especially Franklon) while our friend virus has some work to do in real life. Below are the latest progress :-

• Corwin Corey - 86%

• Franklon - 43%

• Karl Che Lin - 17%

Anyway had a nice hunt of bots with Fallen my socmate. Loot sux except for a consolation GSI. Was hunting estos and allos all day but no luck. Saw allo and esto HOFed but was not me. Oh well... maybe next time. Wierd thing is saw a Settler shin HoF for 1.7k. Would have been nice if it was me.

Randy The Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went
to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping
he could get a special rooster - one that service all
of his many hens and when he told this to the market
vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster
for you". "Randy here is the horniest rooster you will
ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting
him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little
pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to
do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into
the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen
like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many
feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his
way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went
in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one
and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried
out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy
continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same
manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw
Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in
the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging
out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing,
look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself.
I warned you my little buddy".

"Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

Sunday, June 4, 2006

Hunting today was not as good as yesterday where the armax gave me a ESI + couple of 20 pedders. Today was only a couple of 9 pedders and some no loot. Though lost in hunting, manage to break even in crafting (strange huh? )

Franklon showing good progress. from 40+ yesterday to 56% today. And a BIG gratz to Bruud for getting that ATH. He deserves it man.

Flame, Knuckles and I was at Cape Corinth when another 'small baby' with the nickname E***A started yapping away saying things like 'dick in your virgin c**t' and so on. This really disturbs the usual 'peaceful' ambience at Cape Corinth. Wonder if we could ban these type of childish players?

Johnny Falls in Love

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-
year-old students. Taking him aside after class one
day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school
work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly
that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my
own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll
use a rubber!"

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Dying in anticipation on what will I get for my next ME (third item) . First was an Alpha BLP ME (which I sold for tt + 50) and second was the enblade-4 ME (also for tt + 50).

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Franklon seems to be on hyper drive! Only two weeks and already that high. Should be getting two items before month end. Woo Hoo!

Married Mans Confession

This married man goes to confession and he tells the
priest, "I had an affair with a woman...almost." The
priest says, "What do you mean almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together
is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near
that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50
in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says
his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses
for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over
to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money
in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it
and you said it was the same as putting it in!"


Bottle of Champagne

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne.
She takes the first glass and pours it down the back
of her skirt. The bartender looks amazed as she pours
another glass and again tips it down her skirt.

Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your
drinks down your skirt?"

"Well," the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery
and this is the only asshole I'm sharing it with!"

Laughter, The Best Medicine

The Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood is minding her own business and
walking through the forest. All of a sudden, the Big
Bad Wolf jumps in front of her and screams, "Little
Red Riding Hood, I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!!!!" Little
Red Riding Hood jumps back in fright and yells, "OH
NO!!! ARE YOU GOING TO EAT ME WHOLE????!!!" "Nah",
says the wolf, "I thought I'd spit that part out."



The Hussein Family

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of
the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention
of American authorities.

Among the brothers: Sooflay .................the restauranteur
Guday....................the half-Australian brother
Huray....................the sports fanatic Bejay....................the
gay brother Kuntay & Kintay..........the twins from
the African mother Sayhay...................the baseball
player Ojay.....................the stalker / murderer
Gulay....................the singer / entertainer
Ebay.....................the
internet czar Biliray..................the country music
star Ecksray..................the radiologist Puray....................the
blender factory owner Regay....................the half-
Jamaican brother Tupay....................the one with
bad hair:

Among the sisters: Pusay....................the 'loose'
22 yr old Lattay...................the coffee shop owner
Bufay....................the 300 pound sister Dushay...................the
clean sister Phayray..................the zoo worker
in the gorilla house: Sapheway.................the grocery
store owner: Ollay....................the half-mexican
sister: Gudlay...................the prostitute:

More will no doubt be discovered.


Clintons Dog

President Clinton was walking along with a beautiful
dog. A gentleman came up to the President and said,
"What a lovely dog!"

The President responded, "Thank you very much. I got
it for Hilary."

To which the gentleman said, "Nice trade."


Wash Room


A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the
mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor
of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door,
it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament
suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.
The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding
the importance of what a woman says, the man let his
curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and
immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still
curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle
breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world! The button marked
"PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied
a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't
resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed
for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was
in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied,
"Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed
the "ATR" button which stands for utomatic Tampon Remover...
Your penis is under your pillow!"

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Today's my daughter's Bday. After office gonna go grab her a nice cake with her favourite cartoon character on it. Weeeee....

Anyway today was a good day. Broke the dry spell of Hof by getting this..

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

OK. Disciples update. So far three are heading the lead.

• Corwin Corey - 88%

• Franklon - 80%

• Karl Che Lin - 22%

Annual Physical

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All
of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith
said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you
at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship
with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have
poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up
in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof*
the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes
off."

"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's
wife.

"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically
he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of
his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the
bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light
goes off?"

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

Monday, June 12, 2006

Wow! The EP-41 is a very lethal weapon. Consume only 1 ammo more than MK II but it deals like 15 and above dmg more. I am impressed with this new toy! Makes killing goki alpha and iltumatrox easier. HIGHLY recommended for those killing big mobs.

As for disciples... Franklon on overdrive. As of today below are the stats :-

• Corwin Corey - 88%

• Franklon - 85%

• Karl Che Lin - 22%

Snowstorm

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a
while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted,
they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of
blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one
bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you
sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping
bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning
to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He
unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and
put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping
bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep
when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very
cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another
blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo
cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister,
I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where
no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend
we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your
own fucking blanket!"

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Met Mindbuster with his Nemesis armor at Cape Corinth and finally decided to be a 'Premium Member'. Donated a small sum and he promised to get it done soon. True to his word... Voila!


Crafting been bad again. Lost all my Hof $$$ to crafting. Dumb me...


Employment Ads

Between the lines of Employment Ads:

Advancement Opportunity

-Shit job

Entry Level

-Really a shit job

No Experience Necessary

-The mother of all shit jobs

Administrative Assistant

-Shit job with a title

Ground Floor Opportunity

-Shit job with a company that will file bankruptsy within
a year

Progressive Company

-Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team Player

-Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with
rabid personalities

Upbeat Personalities

-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor
use the drug/alcohol rehab benefit within the first
year

Word Processing Skills Essential

-There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome
in your future

Public Relations Receptionist, Professional Appearance
Important

-$20K a year job that requires a $100K a year wardrobe

Pleasant Telephone Manner

-Be the voice of 1-900-SEX-SUCK

Earn Up To $300/Hour

-Be 1-900-SEX-SUCK

Salary Range $24K to $32K

-The Salary is $24K

BA Required, MA Preferred

-Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary

Civil Service

-The job was filled from the inside 6 months ago

Women/Minorities Encouraged

-White males need not waste a stamp

Outstanding Benefits Package

-Health Insurance

Tons of Variety

-We took all the heinous tasks no one else would do
and rolled them into one job

Top Notch Communication Skills

-Telemarketing

Beautiful Offices in Attractive Locale

-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames
match the carpet

Secretary

-Women only job with the responsibilities of management
and the wages of a migrant worker

Executive Secretary

-The most powerful person in any company

Dedicated

-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours per week until
we force you into early retirement

Salary Commensurate

-We'll pay you whatever the Hell we feel like

Salary Negotiable

-We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive Salary

-We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job...
Period!

Competitive Starting Salary

-Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant Atmosphere

-A staff of pod people

Professional Atmosphere

-Zombie pod people

Fun, Creative Atmosphere

-Pod people from Hell

Dynamic Atmosphere

-Zombie pod people from Hell

Gal Friday

-Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it

Self Starter

-Open to broad interpretation, since no one really knows
what this means

Friday, June 16, 2006

OMG 5 globals in a day.. my best global streak ever! Today is my lucky day. Can go back home with a big smile.

Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he
is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me,
can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon,
hovering 30 feet above this field. "

"You must be an engineer", says the balloonist.

"I am", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told
me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are,
or where you're going, but you expect me to be able
to help. You're in the same position you were before
we met, but now it's my fault. "

Happy Father's Day!

No matter how much fun Pe/EU is, it cannot match the fun/joy I get from playing/spending time with my daughter.



I remember daddy's hands folded silently in prayer,
And reachin' out to hold me when I had a nightmare.
You could read quite a story in the callouses and lines,
Years of work and worry had left their mark behind.

I remember daddy's hands , how they held my momma tight,
And patted my back for something done right.
There are things I've forgotten that I loved about the man,
But I'll always remember the love in daddy's hands.

Daddy's hands, soft and kind when I was cryin',
Daddy's hands, hard as steel when I done wrong.
Daddy's hands weren't always gentle,
But I've come to understand,
There was always love in daddy's hands.

I remember daddy's hands, workin til they bled,
Sacrificed unselfishly just to keep us all fed.
If I could do things over I'd live my life again,
And never take for granted the love in daddy's hands.

Daddy's hands, soft and kind when I was cryin',
Daddy's hands, hard as steel when I done wrong.
Daddy's hands weren't always gentle but I've come to understand,
There was always love in daddy's hands.

(A Capella)
Daddy's hands, soft and kind when I was cryin',
Daddy's hands, hard as steel when I done wrong.
Daddy's hands weren't always gentle but I've come to understand,
There was always love in daddy's hands.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Dead poor till the last pecs. Had to sell my EP-41 to make ends meet (that was a brutal gun man ).

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Hope with the sale I can buy more ammo and go back HoFing.


After Shave

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves
— the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to
slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't
put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in
a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and
put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like."


Wings and Halo

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing
her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks
in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's
shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man
screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to
fasten the halo. "I do not want to go to heaven",
she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."
"You don't want to go there", he replies. "They !!!!
and sodomize you down there" "I don't care", she answers.
"At least I already have holes for that."


Yankees Fan

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she
is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their
hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little
girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and
says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are
not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why
pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"

"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red
Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone,
"That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You
don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron,
what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I had my first robot signal find yesterday. What a rush! Too bad no beacon or else would have been better. Got some globals here and there but not much to shout about.

On a lighter note, Franklon is 96%! I can almost feel my ME item coming up soon.

Nuns and Blindman

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that
they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns
decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their
habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the
project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?",
calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice
from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding
that no harm can come from letting a blind man into
the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the
man, "where do you want these blinds?"


Nuns Confession

At a church one day, the nuns are lining up to go into
confession. The first one goes up to the priest and
says: "Bless me father, for I have seen a man's penis"
The priest agrees that this is a sin, but tells her
to splash her eyes with the holy water, and all will
be forgiven. The next nun comes up and says: "I have
sinned as well father... I've touched a man's penis"
The priest says that this too can be forgiven, and that
she should wash her hands with the holy water. The priest
then looks over at the next two nuns in line, and sees
them fighting to see who will go next. He gets up and
asks them why they are fighting. The fourth nun replies.
"Well, there's no way that I'm drinking that holy water
after she sat in it"

Friday. June 23, 2006

Weeeee! Finally my Gold Card arrived. Looks like any ordinary Credit Card. At least now I can log off with the assurance that it should be safe. But with the current loot received lately, maybe I wont have anything left on the avatar...


Dennis Rodmans Tattoos

Dennis Rodman picks up a woman in a bar, and they eventually
end up going back to his hotel room. He removes his
shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on
his arm he has a tattoo that reads, "Reebok". She
thinks that is a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis
says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the
tattoo and Reebok pays me for the advertisement." A
bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed
on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual
tattoo. Finally, he takes his underwear off and she
sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps
back with shock and says, "I'm not going to do it with
a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to
say "ADIDAS".

Women Bashing

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then
God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About
5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-
law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts
of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said
the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! Second guy:
"You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to
get laundry done for free.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too
late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't
know son, I'm still paying!"

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding
ring, and suffering.




125 THINGS NEVER TO SAY DURING SEX

1) is it in?

2) that's it?

3) you've got to be kidding me.

4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?

5) do I have to pay for this?

6) do I have to call you tomorrow?

7) oh momma, momma!

8) oh dadda, dadda!

9) you look better in the dark.

10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.

11) I thought that goes in the other hole....

12) don't tell my husband/wife.

13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the
girl says it) .

14) this sucks.

15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...

16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...

17) I think you might get the job for this.

18) damn! is that all you know what to do.

19) did I tell you, I have herpes?

20) now we must get married.

21) hurry up, the games about to start.

22) I'm hungry.

23) I'm thirsty.

24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.

25) are you trying to be funny?

26) can I have a ride home after this?

27) are those real?

28) by the way, I want to break up.

29) is that smell coming from you?

30) haven't you ever done this before?

31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly)
.

32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?

33) you're so much like your sister....

34) your mom's cute.

35) what's your name again?

36) do I have to be here in the morning?

37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!

38) but you just started!!

39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should
know!!

40) don't touch that!!

41) can we order a pizza?

42) I think my dad is listening at the door.

43) smile for the camera, honey!!!

44) take off that damn monkey glove!!

45) get your hand out of there!!

46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!

48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!

49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!

50) Fire one!

51) God, that is small!!

52) hold on, let me change the channel...

53) who smells like fish?

54) is it O.K. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?

55) your best-friend does it much better.

56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.

57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.

58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.

59) can I borrow 5 bucks?

60) what the hell noise was that?!

61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.

62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)

63) you know, you're not really attractive.

64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.

65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!

66) stop interrupting me!!

67) I have to take a shit.

68) did I leave the iron on?

69) your breath is funky.

70) (start singing Green Day) .

71) is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep
going....

72) its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.

73) god I wish you were a real woman.

74) why can't you ever shave your legs?

75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your
dog....

76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.

77) your breast milk is like my mom's....

78) you're hairy!!

79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.

80) is it O.K. if I never see you again?

81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?

82) don't make that face at me!

83) all of a sudden I have a headache.

84) you're boring.

85) I like your tits.

86) suck my dick, bitch.

87) how much do I owe you?

88) How come we each have a penis?

89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll
kill me!

90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this) .

91) just use your finger, its bigger.

92) does your family have to watch?

93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.

94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!

95) can you hold this sandwich for me?

96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.

97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.

98) my mom taught me this.....

99) how cute... peach fuzz!

100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!

101) should I ask why you're bleeding?

102) this is my pet rat, Larry....

103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who
can!

104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!

105) I was once a woman...

106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?

107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!

108) is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?

109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!

110) you wanted me to use a condom?

111) you're no better than my brother!!

112) mooooo!!

113) Fire in the hole!!!

114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.

115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.

116) O.K. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!

117) you ever see basic instinct?

118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?

119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.

120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?

121) you got boogies showing.

122) (start reciting the 10 commandments) .

123) I think I just shit on your bed.

124) of course I don't love you.

125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-I-n-t.