Joke of The day!

mycokerewards said:

Vortexy, I remember that pic. Their was also, somewhere, where someone put a lock around a pole:

Click to expand...

A couple of years back, I was considerably not sober, I managed to lock my bike to another guy's bike.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

A couple of days later I decided to do a ride with my bike and found an A4 piece of paper staples to the seat saying "WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?"

Camel Sex

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he
noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks their Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
here on the post and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have urges'.
That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where
the girls are.'

I am not a fucking camel!!!!

OHHHHH yes you are!!!

OHHHHHHH no I'm not!!!!

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX



Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell "



"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"


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QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"




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CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."



The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.



"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.



The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."





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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."


"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"




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WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.





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ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor "assisted living apartment" .. Killing him instantly.



Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly."

Golf For Beginners

One dark and rainy night a couple are driving home when they hear a dull thud under their car. They stop and walk back a little down the road to find they have run over a badger which is lying motionless in the road. They are gutted to have hurt a wild creature and the woman starts to cry.

The man bends over to check the poor animal and finds it is still breathing and alive...barely.

He grabs it and gives it to his wife, saying "IF we hurry to the vet a mile or so away we can save it dear...but it's very cold so we must keep it warm ...put it between your legs and I'll drive as fast as I can!"

" But it's very wet and smelly " complains the wife.

"Just hold the badgers nose then dear", replies the husband.

t

timmmers said:

One dark and rainy night a couple are driving home when they hear a dull thud under their car. They stop and walk back a little down the road to find they have run over a badger which is lying motionless in the road. They are gutted to have hurt a wild creature and the woman starts to cry.

The man bends over to check the poor animal and finds it is still breathing and alive...barely.

He grabs it and gives it to his wife, saying "IF we hurry to the vet a mile or so away we can save it dear...but it's very cold so we must keep it warm ...put it between your legs and I'll drive as fast as I can!"

" But it's very wet and smelly " complains the wife.

"Just hold the badgers nose then dear", replies the husband.

t

Click to expand...

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

NavadaDucrot said:

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted..

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Lo ok at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'



The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess..'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.

Click to expand...

TQ for the contribution but check out page 31.

Guy's arguing with his wife.
She says he ain't responsible or romantic, all he wants to do is drink.

He tells her he'll cook a posh meal for her, L'escargot; Snails.

He takes the housekeeping money and sets off to buy snails. This he manages to do, buying himself a big bag, and then he heads back towards home.
On the way he sees a pub, calls in and spends the next 24 hours blowing all the rest of his cash, and the 12 hours after that asleep in a ditch.
He wakes up and curses himself; but he's still got the bag of snails, he thinks; he can try to salvage the situation.
Finally he gets home and catastrophe! He trips over the garden gate and empties the entire bag all over the path. He bends down to gather them up when he sees his furious wife at the front door.
"Where the F@CK have you been???!!!" she bellows.
The guy looks down at the snails.
"C'mon," he says, gesturing them towards the house.
"Not much further."

Hurrikane

A Sad Story

A guy was walking slowly toward the edge of the Twin Towers in New York City. He had divorced his wife, his three high school children killed in a bus crash, his parents die in an airplane crash, and now he lost his job. He turned around, and he saw a man walk toward him. So, he continued 'til he could see the end of his life right below him. The man behind him than stopped. The man talked as calmly as possible, trying his best to keep the guy from committing suicide. Suddenly, things flashed before the guy near the edge; he began to go through the things that would of prevented his tragic tragedies. He should of not fought with his wife that night, picked up his kids from school like usual that day, not force his parents past there fear of airplanes, and work harder to keep his job. He also imagined his gravestone: R.I.P. >> In Memory of >> Aaron Aldott Johnson >> 1967-2006. He was so depressed that any tiny, tiny little thing would just push him off to his lifeless death. The man, knowing what had happened to the hopeless guy, said to him to think about all of the great, positive times he had with his family and coworkers and friends. The guy breathed deeply, and started to cry so much that his tears could almost flood the streets of that city, possibly pitilessly murdering everything that had ever set foot there. The man somehow came so silent that the guy realized the man was right behind him. Now, the guy was covered with more tears and fears and sadness than in the past few minutes. Actually, to him, it felt like many years and decades have past since he got close to the edge of that tall building. He felt like he was going to die even before he jumped off the skyscraper. The man put both of his hands on both of the guy's shoulders. He said, in the most peaceful way you can imagine, "Don't kill yourself. Let me help."

a helpful guide...

This guide should only be used if you are drunk; on the other hand, it also helps on your sober days (what's that...). Always keep it handy. The instructions are easy. Read each symptom, if true, proceed to cause. After reading the cause of the symptom, continue and accomplish action successfully. Got it? Of course not. Well, good luck.




SYMPTOM:
Everything looks so clear.
CAUSE:
You are sober.
ACTION:
Get a glass of beer and enjoy.


SYMPTOM:
Beer is crystal-clear.
CAUSE:
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION::
Punch him.


SYMPTOM:
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
CAUSE:
You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION::
See if they have free beer.


SYMPTOM:
Feet cold and wet.
CAUSE:
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION::
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.


SYMPTOM:
Feet warm and wet.
CAUSE:
Improper bladder control.
ACTION::
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.


SYMPTOM:
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
CAUSE:
Glass empty.
ACTION::
Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM:
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
CAUSE:
You have fallen over backward.
ACTION::
Have yourself chained to bar.


SYMPTOM:
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
CAUSE:
You have fallen forward.
ACTION::
See above.


SYMPTOM:
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
CAUSE:
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION::
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.


SYMPTOM:
Floor blurred.
CAUSE:
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION::
Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM:
Floor moving.
CAUSE:
You are being carried out.
ACTION::
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


SYMPTOM:
Room seems unusually dark.
CAUSE:
Bar has closed.
ACTION::
Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.


SYMPTOM:
Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
CAUSE:
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION::
Cover mouth.


SYMPTOM:
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
CAUSE:
You are dancing on the table.
ACTION::
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.


SYMPTOM:
Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
CAUSE:
You have been in a fight.
ACTION::
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.


SYMPTOM:
Your singing sounds distorted.
CAUSE:
The beer is too weak.
ACTION::
Have more beer until your voice improves.


SYMPTOM:
Don't remember the words to the song.
CAUSE:
Beer is just right.
ACTION::
Play air guitar.


SYMPTOM:
Ugly woman in your sights.
CAUSE:
Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION::
Up the dosage.


SYMPTOM:
Shins and toes hurt.
CAUSE:
You've been walking into things.
ACTION::
Maintain dosage.


SYMPTOM:
Bed is bumping around.
CAUSE:
Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION::
It's too late; you made an ass out of yourself. Come back tomorrow.

A Bunny Tale


A Bunny Tale


A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you
keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown
wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my
python weally gives a thit."

subscribing for a laugh

WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD ... HE WAS THE TOP STAND-UP IN THE 70'S ...BECAUSE HE SAID THINGS LIKE ...


My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

A simple lol. hahahah

A lady walks in to a shopping mall, and buys:

1 orange
1 apple
1 coke
1 bread
1 gallon of milk
1 chocolate
1 ice cream
1 water mellon
1 magazine
and 1 grape

The shop owner askes if she is single. The lady asks: how did you know? The man says: It's just that you are too damn ugly!

A man dies and meet's St.Peter and sees lots of clocks behind him

Man: what are all the clocks for?
ST.Peter: well everyone has a clock and they move every time someone lies. See this clock it belongs to Mother Teresa and it has never moved, thats how honest she is she has never told a lie.
Man: and who's clock is that? (pointing to another clock)
St.Peter: thats John The Baptist's clock and its only every moved twice so he's only ever told two lies.
Man: so where would Gordon Brown's clock be then?
St.Peter: oh thats in God's office.
Man: WOW in God's office. whys it in there?
St.Peter: oh God is using it as fan.

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house, a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court.

Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the
young boy three coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on
the back..

The boy coughs up two of the coins, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help..

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly,
across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and Coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches
in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with The Inland Revenue.'

Women's ass size study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about the size of their asses. The results are pretty interesting.

30% of women think that their ass is too fat.
10% of women think that their ass is too skinny.
The remaining 60% of women say that they don't care about the size of their ass; they love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world!

What the Heck jo/k was that?

Sex without Marriage is illegal?

My Hi-Viz jacket is useless when I'm somewhere yellow.