Joke of The day!

Vortexy

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Vortexy
God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river.
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said,
"In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said
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YOUR GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!
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"What's a headache?" :laugh:
 
I don't know either .... :scratch2: tell me :D




(hehe good one ;) )
 
In a similar vein:

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact. 'Mary, Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have
lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then pretty much sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.'

'Oh, Fred! You surely must be in heaven!'
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" Not exactly.......
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I'm a rabbit in Suffolk! "
 
*A blonde was terribly overweight,
So her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly
For 2 days,
Then skip a day,
And repeat this procedure
For 2 weeks.
*
**
**
*The next time I see you,
You'll have lost
At least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned,
She shocked the doctor
By losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!"
The doctor said,
"Did you follow my instructions?"*
*

The blonde nodded...
"I'll tell you though,
I thought I was going
To drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger,
You mean?",
Asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping!!!!!!!!!" :laugh:
 
Poncho walked into a bar and spies a very large jar on the counter.
He sees it's filled to the brim with bills and he guesses that
there must be thousands of dollars in it.







He waved to the bartender and asked. "What's with the jar?"
A Thingos Presentation © Whimsical & Wacky Wits - Compiled for your personal enjoyment by Pat -Compilation Copyright © wack
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,
you get all the money."
A Thingos Presentation © Whimsical & Wacky Wits - Compiled for your personal enjoyment by Pat -Compilation Copyright © wacky
Poncho certainly wasn't going to pass this up.







"What are the three tests?"
A Thingos Presentation © Whimsical & Wacky Wits - Compiled for your personal enjoyment by Pat -Compilation Copyright © wack
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.









So Poncho gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
A Thingos Presentation © Whimsical & Wacky Wits - Compiled for your personal enjoyment by Pat -Compilation Copyright © wacky
"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:








First - You have to drink that entire bottle of pepper tequila,
The whole thing, all at once...
and you can't make a face while doing it.










Second - There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.








Third - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs
who has never reached orgasm during intercourse.
You've gotta satisfy her in every way."






Poncho is stunned. "I know I paid my $10,
but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
I'd have to be nuts to drink a bottle of pepper tequila,
and then do those other things.."








"Your call," says the bartender,
"but your money stays where it is."
A Thingos Presentation © Whimsical & Wacky Wits - Compiled for your personal enjoyment by Pat -Compilation Copyright © wacky wit
As time goes on and Poncho has a few drinks,
then a few more,







"Where ez zat tequila?"
A Thingos Presentation © Whimsical & Wacky Wits - Compiled for your personal enjoyment by Pat -Compilation Copyright © wacky wits.
He grabs the bottle with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.






Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
A Thingos Presentation © Whimsical & Wacky Wits - Compiled for your personal enjoyment by Pat -Compilation Copyright © wacky wit
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.





They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming,
the pit bull yelping and then silence ..

Just when they think Poncho surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped
and large bloody scratches all over his body.


A Thingos Presentation © Whimsical & Wacky Wits - Compiled for your personal enjoyment by Pat -Compilation Copyright © wacky wits.


"Now, where's the old woman
with the sore tooth?"

:laugh:
 
:rofl: :D

I GOT ONE I GOT ONE :yay:


A n00b gets onto an hangar and sits next to The Nun in the front seat. The n00b looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.

The Nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at CP. When the Hangar starts again, the pilot says to the n00b, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The n00b of course says that he'd love to know, so the pilot tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight The Nun goes to the Church's hideout at PA mall, floor 3 #3, to pray to Lootius. "If you went dressed in Angel armor and some glowing powder," says the pilot, "You could tell her you were Lootius and command her to have sex with you."

The n00b decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to Anshe's bank, borrows money, then to the OgiMini's renting service to rent an Angel and then to PA mall, floor 3 # 3 and waits for The Nun. Right on schedule, The Nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the n00b jumps out from the Lykke Wooden Chest from the floor in front of the alter, in Angel armor and glowing with the Angel Helmet of Lootius. "I am Lootius, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The Nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The n00b agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with The Nun.

After the n00b finishes, he rips off his Angel Helmet and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the n00b! "

The Nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the Pilot!"



------------------------

Moral: n00bs are so easy to scam ... :rolleyes:
 
muhahaa :laugh:

-Zap
 
theres always the joke about the viagra eye drops
....... they make you look hard

:D lol
 
More nun jokes...

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. She carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.
:rolleyes:
 
LMFAO best joke ever
:rofl: :D

I GOT ONE I GOT ONE :yay:


A n00b gets onto an hangar and sits next to The Nun in the front seat. The n00b looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.

The Nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at CP. When the Hangar starts again, the pilot says to the n00b, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The n00b of course says that he'd love to know, so the pilot tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight The Nun goes to the Church's hideout at PA mall, floor 3 #3, to pray to Lootius. "If you went dressed in Angel armor and some glowing powder," says the pilot, "You could tell her you were Lootius and command her to have sex with you."

The n00b decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to Anshe's bank, borrows money, then to the OgiMini's renting service to rent an Angel and then to PA mall, floor 3 # 3 and waits for The Nun. Right on schedule, The Nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the n00b jumps out from the Lykke Wooden Chest from the floor in front of the alter, in Angel armor and glowing with the Angel Helmet of Lootius. "I am Lootius, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The Nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The n00b agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with The Nun.

After the n00b finishes, he rips off his Angel Helmet and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the n00b! "

The Nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the Pilot!"



------------------------

Moral: n00bs are so easy to scam ... :rolleyes:
 
Priests deserve some fun too...

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.

The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."
 
[...]
As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.
:rolleyes:

lmao :laugh:
 
Not quite a joke but a killer :)

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEWFGWFD5ww[/YOUTUBE]​
 
joke

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

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Keep the tip..
 
Lykke Soc leader for Church of lootius calls a Soc meeting at the Soc Convent, after talking about Skills Mobs and there loot and achevements for the week Lykke asks if there is anything to be added to the CoL minutes for this week...Tor raises his had and says 'there is a big case of Gonorrhoea in the convent'. Lykke with a big smile replies' thats fantasic news im so sick of the Chardonnay'....
 
:rofl: @ it all.

But GuNOiL, I have NO clue what your joke is about :scratch2: ... only know Chardonnay :D

okeoke .. here's one more then ...


The head Nun of the Church of Lootius called all 100 Nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting.

"Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms."
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

"A condom!" said the head Nun.
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it was used!"
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it had a hole in it!"
1 Nun "Oh no"
99 Nuns "He, he"

:naughty:
 
:rofl: Lykke - loving the jokes lass :laugh:
 
Seems like it is nun jokes fever... :laugh:
 
Seems like it is nun jokes fever... :laugh:

well, you know me ;) I can't help it :D

LET'S GET MORE JOKES! (also including cats, clowns, tits and other normal joke-stuff :silly2:)
 
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEET - WOMAN

ANALYSIS
ELEMENT : Woman
SYMBOL : W02U
DISCOVERER : Adam
ATOMIC MASS : Accepted as 55Kgs but known to vary from 45-225 Kgs
OCCURANCE : Copious quantities in all urban areas with trace elements found in most places
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES :
1. Surface is usually covered in powder or painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes for no reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied gently to selected points
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES :
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and most precious stones.
2. Absorbs quantities of expensive substances.
3. Explodes spontaneously without warning and for no reason.
4. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
5. Activity greatly increases with saturation in alcohol.
6. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES :
1. Highly ornamental - especially in sports car.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.
TESTS :
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when discovered in its natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
 
Small joke animation

Click on thumbnail to see animation ;)

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Moral of the story : Make sure before acting
 
Hm .. but is that a joke .. or only a scientific truth !!! :wise:

:laugh:
 
Lol.. this is true Lykke. So in that case, here's another :D

Answerphone instructions

Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
 
Another Priest Joke

The Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets
up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately,
it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball, and comes across this
little guy with a huge lump on his head and the golf
ball lying right beside him. "Goodness!!!", exclaims
the golfer, and he proceeds to revive the poor little
guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught
me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant
you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything
from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly.",
and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun
thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy,
and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll
give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great
sex life."

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing
on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for
his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little
guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun replies,
"I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that
for you," says the leprechaun, "and might I ask how
your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention
it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out
a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you," says
the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well,
maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored
and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer replies,
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish."
 
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:
Sir, did you call for me?
Bob replies: No, what do you mean?
She says: You must be new here; let me explain. It´s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me. Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: Sir, did you call for me?
Bob replies: No, what do you mean?
The Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me. The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: May I help you?
Bob says: Here is your card and key back. You can keep the £500 joining fee.
Receptionist: But Sir, you´ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...
Bob replies: Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.
 
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEET - WOMAN

ANALYSIS
ELEMENT : Woman
SYMBOL : W02U
DISCOVERER : Adam
ATOMIC MASS : Accepted as 55Kgs but known to vary from 45-225 Kgs
OCCURANCE : Copious quantities in all urban areas with trace elements found in most places
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES :
1. Surface is usually covered in powder or painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes for no reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied gently to selected points
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES :
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and most precious stones.
2. Absorbs quantities of expensive substances.
3. Explodes spontaneously without warning and for no reason.
4. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
5. Activity greatly increases with saturation in alcohol.
6. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES :
1. Highly ornamental - especially in sports car.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.
TESTS :
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when discovered in its natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.


C.O.S.H.H. REGULATIONS 1988
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEET

CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
Substance: Man
Symbol: M+ (Free radical most desirable)
Discoverer: Eve
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 65 Kg, but there are known isotopes ranging from 55 Kg to 115 Kg
Occurrence: Large quantities in urban areas, with traces found in most other areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface normally covered in grease and fur oxidase except at apex of specimen
2. Surface liable to tarnish, stain and attract dirt.
3. Pungent or stale odour.
4. Usually inert, but correct stimulus can promote a reaction.
5. Yields if pressure applied in the correct manner, explodes under strain.
6. Bitter if used incorrectly, sours with age but can sometimes be sweetened up.
7. Found in various grades, ranging from virgin grade to base material, but pure specimens hard to find nowadays.
8. Not one of the ‘noble elements’ (usually found in combination with Woman).

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Great affinity to alcohol (ethanol).
2. Capable of liberating quantities of expensive substances if treated correctly.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a female.
4. Softens and wilts when soaked in hot water, greater rigidity at cooler temperatures.
5. Insoluble in liquids, especially inert after saturation in alcohol (athough this state is preceded by an initial and noisy period of increased activity).
6. The most powerful money producing agent known to woman. High valency - capable of multiple bonds with Woman.

COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental - especially during Match of the Day or Formula One racing.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

TESTS
1. Pure specimens turn pale and shrivel when discovered in the natural state.
2. Behaves erratically when placed alongside a superior specimen.
3. Localised expansion and rigidity when excited.

HAZARDS
1. Dangerous in inexperienced hands - unpredictable when activated
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen (great care must be taken when handling multiple specimens).
3. May induce swelling if suitable handling precautions are not taken.

CONTAMINATION PROCEDURE
1. If contaminated, the services of a skilled lawyer must be sought.

:D
 
Ok, Ive got this one... Remember Its just a joke! :D Also see below It to see my attempt at balancing things out ;)

a little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
she runs to her mum and says: "mummy today at school we learnt how to count. well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! it's good, innit?"
"yes, darling, very good." answers the mom.
"is that because i'm blonde?" she asks.
"yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." the mom says.

next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. all the other girls only went as far as d, but listen to me: a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k! it's good, innit?"
"yes, darling, very good." answers the mom.
"is that because i'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"yes, darling it's because you're blonde." the mom says.

next day, she returns from school and cries: "mummy, today we went swimming. well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" she proceeds to flash her impressive 36d at her mummy.
"is that because i'm blonde, mummy?"
"no darling, it's because you're 25."

Balance joke .... :

a blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. he rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "what's up?" he says. "i'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

he rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "daddy! daddy! uncle ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

the guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.

"you rotten bastard", says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!"
 
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