Dejay's Diary

[dj.]

I havent often thought about writing a diary, but I have often thought that I wish I had.
I have a great memory fortunately, but I am aware that alot of my experiences have been lost due to bad filing by my brain.

Today, is a good day to start a diary.
Today has been turbulent, today is about having your heart ripped out and stamped on.
I ripped my heart out and stamped on it though.

This is about the meeting of rl and vl, both needing my attention.
Both needing my action.
Both having problems that needed sorting out.

It isnt a good day knowing you have issues both in rl and vl.. where does one escape too?

So to start;

My eu life.
I have recently decided to leave my soc, not such a big deal? ..well it is when you are the Master of that Soc
This means disrupting the entire soc, posting the bad news, and bracing your-self for the responses.
This means finding a new Master, and hoping everyone is happy with it.
This means telling your friends that you have shared Soc chat with for 2 years, you are leaving them.
This means posting explanations to why.

My RL
I have two horses, I keep them at 2 different locations. My mare is on loan to a smashing 17 year old that loves show jumping
My gelding I keep with me, moved him away for a quieter life.
I told her I want my mare back, I miss her dreadfully.
I had her crying on the phone.
I had her turning up at my house.
I burnt my 'toad in the hole' that I was making
Again, questions of why? when? who? what?
No joke, she cried for 2 hours.

3 weeks I thought maybe it was time to move from my Soc.
3 weeks I thought about getting my mare back.
3 weeks of deliberating

Simultaneously, I took action.

I informed my soc of my intentions.
I told my friend Id be having my horse back.
I have been accepted by another soc.
I get my horse back next week.

Moral of the story is; You only seem to hurt yourself more, by trying not to hurt others.
Those people you fear you will hurt, are actually going to be fine in the long run.
3 weeks of deliberating, is fine, I have to think things through, or was I just putting off the inevitable?
Am I a thinker or a sissy
Who knows, at the end of the day, once my thoughts have concluded,
I do take action.. eventually.

Dejay

 

[dj.]

Full Circle

I was born at Cape Corinth Dec 2004.
The Christmas Tree there scared me, well it was gigantic!
The tp scared me also.
I saw people run into it (yes I watched it) and disappear!!
I fully believed it was a death trap LOL

Even though Cape Corinth, was my birth place, this was one of the last tp’s I ever picked up!
Like I have said, I didn’t know what it was at first.
I ran off into the desert.
When a sabi ran up to me, I thought ‘Ohh look, how sweet’
It promptly killed me lol.

I must have panicked at seeing my hp lower, and also, DJ was making some rather painful noises!
Im not sure how, but I started to sweat it.
On reviving I had green glowing hands.. this freaked me out.
I asked in all chat ‘help! My hands have turned green!’

Some jokes ensued, one person said “why are noobs being born here”
Thanx for the help guys!!

So me and my green hands and red face went running off into the desert, towards Ithaca.
Jeez, I rock hopped too, didn’t know I could swim lol!

I did manage (and learnt some by myself, no ef, found ep later) to get all tp’s on eudoria, without a gun or armor.
Yes, I did get stuck at out-posts, but I always found a way out.
I became very good at concentrating on my radar, and learnt the agro range of most mobs.
At times in thick spawns I would just shut my eyes and pray I would at least die, close enough to the next tp, or a revival I didn’t have yet.

Once I found EP, I printed off a map, and continued; I picked up all revivals, and visited all points of interest. I climbed every mountain, even God Nail Rock, that was deemed unclimbed

I did this all alone, and was utterly enthralled by it..

A few weeks later, while enjoying rl and vl I went into hospital for a minor operation.
It all went horribly wrong.
The surgeon hit an artery, but was unaware of it, I was patched up and sent home.
I will not post the details, as its graphic..
5.5 pints of blood transfusion later and a major operation to save my life, I was told to take it easy.
My career with my horses came to an end.
I am glad I found eu just before this happened, all of a sudden I had a lot of time on my hands, without eu I would have been house-bound with no escape.
I did gradually get fitter of course, but I am changed without a doubt.

(full circle to be continued)

 

[dj.]

Today I joined ViaDolorosa

What a fantastic bunch of people they are.
I met them at Joat's house, many members turned up to welcome PM and I, was fantastic

Some of my ex-members from OFI still seem to be reeling from the shock of me leaving.
Its incredible really, to me.
I put so much effort into that soc, gave them 2 years of my life, did all I could, yet when I leave, its met with disdain, gossip etc.

What also strikes me is this, am I the only one that knows it’s a game?
I have grown men being pi$$ed off I left.
I didn’t cut you up in traffic, I haven’t robbed a bank, I have done nothing more than leaving a Soc in a virtual universe.
I will never truly fathom that out.

What can you do? Nothing, people have their own thoughts, their own ideas, and their own concepts. People think about things, reach their own conclusions, and deem them correct. No point me trying to convince them otherwise.

RL

No riding for the adults today, we turned the horses out and concentrated on the children.
My daughter, my friends daughter, and my friends grand-son all went down to the sand school for riding lessons on the pony’s.
We sat in deck-chairs, put the dogs on leads and sat in the sun watching the children ride.
The youngest child was 3, and he made a sand-castle, we constructed him a flag out of a stick and some rubbish lol.
At 3 years old, this was magnificent to him.
Sat in the sun and sand, was truly like a day at the beach.
Was a lovely lovely day!

 

[dj.]

Early 2005.

On being able to finally deposit.. I became UBER!!!
Yes I did!
I bought a Jester D1 and a set of Pixie.
I rocked, or so I thought.
With my powerful gun and armor I would go and show the sweaters how uber I was and shoot their mobs.
I would get screamed at of course, what wrongs with these people?

Could they not see the respect I demanded in my Full Pixie!

Bah, NooB mobs were not enough to satisfy my new status as a uber, so I went to the rig.

The first person I saw I thought ‘aha, my first victim!’
I went running up to them with full faith in my new gear, and shot them..
Nothing, did I miss?
*gulps*
I stood there feeling foolish, so said hello LOL
This very nice person said hello back, then I ran off! .. In fear!
He wasn’t even wearing armor lol and I did nothing to damage him.

I was mostly then left alone at the rig, I guess word got round that some pathetic noob in Pixie and a D1 was sight see-ing.

I climbed one of those big hills there, and simply sat down to watch the other guys there, was an Atrox that eventually put me out of my ego-deflated-misery.

So my attempt at role-playing didn’t go too well, and EU seems very good at dragging your rl personality in-game.

Now its mid 2007, my Armor,skills and guns could easily give me a nicer time at the rig, and do I?
Nope, I hate killing anyone.
Anyone that has pk’d me, cannot boast either, as they know I let them run right up to me, by the time I know they haven’t come over to chat, I have died.
Its no problem.

Although, if its plainly obvious I am being hunted, I lose my left ear etc after a shot, I will defend myself.

So, thanx to the nice people at the rig that day, and sorry to the sweaters, I had much to learn!

 

[dj.]

My thoughts of today;

I have no patience towards people that show inefficiency.
I have no patience towards people that don’t think ahead.

I love passion however;

Story.
In a pet shop recently, was only there to buy a tiny fish for my daughter.
The guy there didn’t just show me to the ‘tiny fish tank’
No
He showed me around the entire shop. He explained the feeding/breeding/living habits of all fish in that shop.
He spoke of how they would be taken care of, he spoke of breeds, tank sizes, and feed.

This is a guy that must earn a pittance working in that shop! Yet he spent an hour with me!
In all truth, I wasn’t interested in the fish, but I understood and respected his passion.
I have a lot of time for people like this.

Today.
My daughter fussed about a spider she had seen in the corner at the stables.
She came running to tell me.
I cut her off mid sentence, and said “fill these 2 hay nets with 2 slices of hay, each”
She finished her sentenced then said “ok” then “what do I do?”
Arrgggg!!
Never stop a child mid sentence, they don’t listen, their brain is already busy with what they want to say!

This to me is my daughter being inefficient, but it isn’t really, it’s me being inefficient towards a ten year old!
I got angry.
Yet the ‘fish guy’ didn’t, he managed to get his message across with no anger, he explained things in a calm informative manner.

Moral of the story is;
If you want to be a good parent, go visit the fish guy at my local shop!

 

[dj.]

Back to ‘Full Circle’

After a short stint in a soc that appeared to be full of very young individuals, I joined Old Alphas.
I haven’t mentioned this before, but this was my first on-line game, also was the first time I have met Swedish people.
I found them shocking, I still do!
But I want to make some effort to explain why.
I know now its just cultural differences.
These people are massively sociable, and keen to make friends straight away.
I am a Brit, we are more conservative, we even look at the clock before ringing someone up, to make sure we aren’t disturbing dinner!
I really love Swedish people now, and have many friends in game that are, but they need to understand, us Brits aren’t used to this level of friendliness!
Suspicious, street wise bunch we are.
It’s our problem, not yours.

Some of it may be cultural differences, I am aware some of it may be more, my own suspiciousness too.
The first time I met Petrus PM Molinus, he said to me “I look forward to your colourful chat”
I didn’t answer him.
No one knows this till now, but I was hurt, tears bristled in my eyes.
I actually thought he was being mean, ‘colourful chat/talk’ in the uk means only that you swear a lot!
He didn’t mean that, I know that now (luv ya PM!)
I am glad that I kept my thoughts to myself, and that I didn’t respond with disdain, because that man turned out to be my best friend in game.
Was a lesson to me, I have made mistakes since, I know I have.
I can only hope to improve on my ignorance.
Text only, no body language, no smile, no glint in the eye of the speaker, definitely things can go wrong.

I learnt a lot in Old Alphas, I especially learnt how to behave myself.
Rumour at the time some members left because of me.
Although 'the master' was only kind enough to tell me this, when all efforts had failed to keep me there.
I am not sure whether he was just striking out at me to be mean, or it was true?
I was troublesome in the beginning, its true.
Sometimes I was downright horrible.
Its no excuse, hang on, yes it fu8ing is! I had nearly died recently and was house-bound; I drank far more than I ever would now!
I was angry at the entire world, if a doctor can mess me up, then who can’t?

I am over that now, but I remember being very angry, my whole life had changed.

The members that left hurt me badly; well I wasn’t invited was I?
Some of these people are still in-game.
I harbour no good thought toward them. Never will, the way they made me feel.

Although! Many of my friends from Old Alphas stood by me, these people I truly cherish.
Thank-you!
Thank you for seeing me through a bad time, although you never knew, for see-ing the real person, for understanding.

The people that stood by me, became the core of Old Freelancers Inc, and became my closest friend’s in-game.
They still are.
I tried to be a Master on what I would like to see from one.
I always encouraged, was always a friend, my members happiness and wellbeing was paramount, in rl and vl…the real life part being from when I was not shown understanding.
I cared how drunk/ill/hurt/sad they were.

Always.

To be cont.

 

[dj.]

RL

Today I painted the inside of my mares stable.. Pink!
Bright girly pink!
My daughter helped me, and in record time, became pink herself!
I have pink buckets, and pink rugs, it truly is a pink palace.

I wonder if I am the only person on the planet with a pink palace for a stable?

I didn’t even ask the owner LOL

I cant say I am looking forward to seeing her tonight, I was going to ask permission, but in the event she said no.. It’s too late now lol

I think she may be surprised to see 17 perfectly normal stables, and my pink one.

VL

I did sh&t my pants today when trying to log in.
A new message popped up, one I had never seen before.

Your account is locked please contact support

Actually, absolutely full respect to ma, for sorting this out so quickly.
Even the lady on the phone said in 2 minutes everyone goes home.

Tbh, I too had been nervously looking at the clock.. and its Friday

One support case and 2 phone-calls later and my account wasn’t locked.

Maybe a hack attempt, maybe a malicious attempt by someone to get me locked?

I don’t know, I don’t care lol.. I can skill again is all that counts

Thanx ma.

 

[dj.]

VL
I spent the most part of 2005 at Raven Valley hunting Biffoids, for some reason they evolved into Maffoids.
Although, isn’t evolution supposed to improve the former species?
We evolve, we adapt, to continue to survive in the environment that we find our-selves in.
Adapt or die.

The only difference I saw was Biffoids had vests, the maffoids did not.
I am not an expert on the species of course, perhaps the changes were more than visual.
Perhaps of climate change, the Biffoids shed their garments.
I am also glad the Argonauts lost their loin cloths.
Damn loin cloths disturbed me, I couldn’t help but wonder what they were hiding..
I would even try to look, eeewww!

Anyhoo, back on topic.
In the early days, I avoided towns, my pc was not set up for the purposes of gaming, and I would ctd on coming close to one.
I coped how-ever.
If I needed auction and storage, terminals etc, I would visit Hades C.
Back then Argus was not the town you see today, it was just an sc/tp on a patch of grass.
Raven Valley is east of here, and was perfect for me to skill at this location.
After skilling on the snables there, I moved further east, to the Maffoids.
I hunted Maffs for months!!
All alone in the wilderness my skills grew, I globalled regularly, and hoffed twice on them.
This was the first time I had met Nexus, whom I share the same soc with now.
I progressed from Pixie, to Nemises, to having to shed my armor as the skill gains lessoned, to finally hunting Maffs naked.
Once they started to slow again, I finally conceded I had out-grown them.
But I will always think of Raven valley as the place where I grew up.

 

[dj.]

As previously mentioned, I did not realise I could swim, what a stupid assumption.
I had played Tomb Raider for years, and there was nothing worse than not being able to complete a level because Lara had drowned.

Where’s the key, I’m running out of time!!
Dammit!
Lara floats to the suface dead.
Looks at clock, its 3am.. Hmmm, one more attempt then!

It’s embarrassing to admit, I actually found bridges to cross the rivers on Calypso.
I may never log on again after confessing to this!
This didn’t last long obviously.
A mob finally forced me into the water, I was being chased yet again.
When new, you tire of dying 700 times a day.

I decided, no I panicked! but in my panic, I would attempt to make the other side of the water.. without drowning.
Well, to be fair, I did succeed in my quest!

More surprising to me on not drowning, is that the mob did.
I was so impressed!
I had killed my first mob!
This game would be a breeze then, if all I had to do was drown them!

The other nice surprise was seeing that my avatar swam, it was some time before I realised the time under water, and not drowning, was unlimited. So I kept DJ swimming to a minimum lol.

Feeling rather proud, I ventured back into the water to loot it *blush*
I tried, and tried.. and tried, hmmm whats wrong?
I pm’d a friend, I wish I could recall who it was (I cant) for this reason;
They didn’t laugh at me, at least not in the pm, probably laughed their socks off in real life lol.
This person explained as it wasn’t me that inflicted the damage, but the water, there-fore I couldn’t have the loot.
Quite a good way of explaining I guess.
I did click on it a few more times though.. just to be sure.

Swimming made my life so much easier, and if my next tp location could be swam to, even part of the way, I took to the rivers and seas.

So that’s how DJ leant to swim, and I will end it there, just to say also..
I hadn’t discovered Ripper-snappers at this time, but what a nasty shock they turned out to be!

 

[dj.]

Crystal Palace a few weeks ago.
Some chap dies, his aurli decides one victim isn’t enough and runs over to me.
I ignore it as I am already busy with his brothers, and his somewhat shorter, fatter pink cousin.
On dealing with these mobs, I am left alone with this one hurt mob.
What to do?
Its been a couple of minutes by now, surely the guy is on his way?
So, I make the decision to fap awhile and see if he turns up.
He took blo0dy ages!
So much so, the hurt aurli became bored of me, and wandered off.
I had already made the decision to wait for this guy, so when the mob wandered off to some other hunters, I actually tagged it, to keep it with me, and the same location so the guy could find it!
DOH!!
So a green dot finally appears on the edge of my radar, it must be him right?
He starts heading in my direction
It is him!
He kills this mob and carries about his business.
Not a word of thanks.
Did it not occur to him why I was stood there fapping!!?
It is my own fault of course, it was my decision, and I stood by what I decided.
I wasn’t looking for some gushing gratitude, at the same time, some courtesy, would have not been lost on me.
Onto last night, similar situation, this time I shoot the mob dead.
The person actually does get back quite fast, I tell them to come south.
Unfortunately, by the time they reach me, the mob has gone.
The reaction was “ffs!! Etc etc”

*sigh*

So, no reaction from doing someone a favour and a bad reaction from just minding my own business.

 

[dj.]

Full Circle cont.

In order to respect the privacy of others, and not getting banned on ef, my chapter has to be written with some discretion.
I guess If I had wanted an un-moderated journal, I could have just written this somewhere private.
Not only that, I think it best to have some decorum, especially regarding the feelings of others.

A turbulent time did occur in Old Alphas.
I grew tired of the attention of a certain individual, what started out as fun, became rather tedious, a bit over the top, and sometimes, towards the end, a little bit scary.
Not only that, this is even worse.. I found my skilling time was interrupted.
I tried to be kind, to remain friends, well that hardly ever works anyway..and didn’t.
I harbour no guilt, no real regret, I am a grown woman after all.
If I like somebody in the beginning that’s fine, but you have to get to know people over time.. and if over time, you decide something has no future, that’s fine too.
It is unfortunate for the party that will not accept they are not wanted.

Was tough for me in-game for some time.
Constant pm’s, some not too nice, distinct flavour of desperation, depression, madness.
I thought of quitting more than once, or at least starting afresh with another avatar.
But I couldn’t.
Many reasons, I was proud of DJ, I had worked hard, it would have been such a waste of time and effort.
Another reason, were my friends in-game, if I was going to start afresh, I would lose contact.
The main reason, is I don’t want to be beaten down.
I could throw my hard drive in the bin, and go back to being Debbie that rides horses.. and never be bothered again.
Then I lose something I enjoy.
So I just took what came.
Which I think of as a great cauldron of lies, gossip, and rumours.

I think I became rather desensitised in truth.
Too much he said/she said/who/what/when, I became rather blasé, as to whatever was said.
I had fought my corner, and that was it. I wasn’t going to waste any more time on the subject.
I also wasn’t going to keep defending myself against blatant lies.
Like I said, I had skilling to do.

Hence the motto of my next Soc Truth Will Prevail.
That motto, was my last word on the subject at that time.

EU does seem to have an underbelly of hot gossip, people enjoy it, not all, but its human nature, to pry, to poke, look at the magazines/papers that people buy especially if there’s a good scandal featured.

Some sort stand-off/truce occurred for a while, I remained in the soc, but I knew and felt things would not remain quiet..

To be cont.

 

[dj.]

In a shop recently.

The assistant say to me;

“would you like a bag?”

I look down at my loaf of bread, pint of milk, one tin of cat food, bag of ice, 4 Carlsberg, one carton of orange juice, 6 eggs, cheese, one bottle of coke, one bottle of Fanta and say;

“No, for although I clearly have 6 pairs of arms, and have mastered the technique of telekinesis, thus making them float home, I will not use this power!
No!
For I fully envision dropping the eggs on the way home, hence buying too much, It is a vice of mine, a day without smashed eggs, isn’t worth living!”

When, in fact..

I simply said “yes please"

 

[dj.]

Hmm no internet connection last couple of days, seems fixed now.

Tuesday, I managed to find transport to move my mare; I had to meet the lady with the lorry at 4.30pm.
I was anxious on the drive there, at the same time excited, but scared also. So many feelings, my stomach was in so much turmoil, it was a real consideration whether I would in-fact pee my pants.
My main concern was ‘would she load?’
Imagine the disappointment of finally deciding to have her back with me, telling the people concerned, finding transport.. then for my mare not to go up the ramp?

Already a nervous wreck, my phone rang. I wouldn’t risk my licence answering it, so let my voice-mail pick it up.
Flipped the phone open, put it on speaker, the voice on the other end was my friend, telling me the lorry was already there, and that they were about to load her!

Absolutely forgetting my licence this time, I put the pedal to the metal!
As I pulled into the yard, I could see my mare, she had just dragged someone over to a patch of grass.
The woman with the lorry was watching, hands on hips, I just knew she was sighing and tut-tutting lol.
A second person ran to help, and I saw my mare kick out at her (rofl)
If it was indeed possible to leap out of a moving car safely, and my car park itself, I would have done.

I ran to the woman, and tried to make a joke of “Oh I see you have met my naughty horse already?”
She didn’t look impressed, and didn’t laugh lol.
As that fell flat, I held out my hand and introduced myself.
She shook my hand really limply, ugh I hate that.
My father always says you can tell a lot about a person from their hand-shake, strong and confident, or weak and flat.
I am not sure how much truth is in that, but a hand-shake should be a hand-shake, and not be like holding a dead fish in ones hand.

Ignoring my naughty horse still giving two people behind me a hard time, I offered her payment for the lorry.
She looked over my shoulder and said “Perhaps we should wait”
Nice positive lady hey?
I gave up on her, and went over to my mare.
Within 30 seconds she was up the ramp, I did have to push her bottom momentarily, at the top, then quickly slammed the partition shut, so she couldn’t run off again.
With great relief I leapt from the ramp, danced about jumping and shouting “she got on, she got on!!”

The lorry lady still had a dead-pan look on her face, I do wonder, If I stuck a fire-work up her ass, she would still look like that?

The journey went well, and my brave little mare walked straight onto her new yard, into her new (pink) stable, and started to eat her hay without even batting an eyelid.

Interesting, my gelding that hadn’t even seen her arrive, called from his field, and she answered.
They continued to call for some 2 hours.
They haven’t seen each other since early spring; horses do not forget former friends.
When I went down the field to get my gelding in, I found him stood at the gate in a somewhat excitable mood.

Wednesday and Thursday has been spent spending time with my mare, and settling her into her new home. I have showed her the paddocks where she will graze, the roads she has to use, this morning I rode her around all the new unfamiliar country-side, and will do the same this evening, and again tomorrow morning.

So a busy time for now, but it needs to be done correctly.

The yard owner has not said anything to me concerning painting my stable pink.
In light of this, my friend intends to paint her stable purple!
I may be held responsible to leading my friends astray lol.
My other friend says the owner walked on the yard, was mid sentence, saw my stable and went “OH!”
Oh indeed.
My friend went on to reassure her that “perhaps it would fade in time”

Hope not, in any case, I have some paint left over.

 

[dj.]

Its been just a short time now since I joined ViaDolorosa, while I am happy here, my feelings are mixed.
It is hard to let go of Old Freelancers Inc, but I made a tremendous effort to. I was fully aware how easy it would be to look over Bluetails shoulder, and remain a shadow in his life, in that Soc.

I have seen and learnt from other peoples mistakes in this game.
I have seen Socs fail, but the Master in all his vanity not disband, not accept defeat, or failure.
But remain, alone, with ghost members.
People that want the control, have it for a short time, then can’t let go.
Control freaks and people that get off on power cannot lead a Soc, they want to, and try to, but will ultimately fail.
OFI didn’t fail how-ever, but on me leaving I knew to let go completely.

I find myself interested how Caliber leads his soc.
I just can’t seem to help it, can’t seem to wonder ‘is that how I would have done it/would I do this/would I have made this decision etc etc?
Being a Master for 2 years was something I did because it was an interest to me, a hobby, a worth-while challenge, and was very rewarding, sometimes hard when dealing with problems, but still something I enjoyed.
I still find the subject interesting, hence maybe watching how Caliber ticks.
This time I have the luxury however of not being directly involved but can sit back and analyse how another Leader/Soc works.

ViaD of course is much the same as OFI in being a democratic society.
At the same time how-ever, in OFI the buck stopped with me. I knew from the start too many chiefs among the Indians wouldn’t work.
Going down that road would have meant slighting an individual member, if his idea was put in the trash can.
From the start I knew I could not please all of the people all of the time.
It works for the members also, if I said yes to something the last time, they can hardly complain if I have said no at another time.
Its all give and take, some ideas suck, and members have to be man enough to accept that.
Some of my ideas sucked, or didn’t work, and I can be told with no problem.

Theres also the aspect of “the power behind the throne”
Petrus PM Molinus of course being OFI’s
No-one can work alone, every soc must have one, I am not sure?
But he was my rock to lean on, and always nudged me back on the right path.
A diplomatic suggestion, done quietly, he never says it directly, more of a case of leading me to the right decision, a subtle hint, a comment.
Done with such few words, the man has an amazing talent for getting his point across while being surrounded by 17 aurlis!

So who is it in ViaDolorosa? I think already I can make an educated guess.
Is this person now seeing ViaD from Evermans point of view, or from Calibers?
Does Caliber ever think “Is this what Everman would have done?”
Does Bluetail ever think “Is this what DJ would have done?”

Do the members from each Soc also think and judge how the new Leader is doing and compare?
I am uncertain, as I have never stepped into another leaders shoes.

I also consider my own psychology in all this, I find myself already deleting something I have written in Soc chat.
I am aware of not wanting to join this soc then smothering it with my personality.
Coming in and stamping my boots all over the soc chat and ViaD forum.
Other members may think “who does she think she is?”

I am.. A person that’s mastered their own soc for 2 years, and is making a great big effort to be lead for a change.
Everything has changed.
It isn’t easy and find myself thinking “Where do I fit in?”

 

[dj.]

RL
Friday finds me crying on the yard owner’s front door-step.
She is retiring her horse, and shipping it off to another home, a sanctuary for broken down animals and the old.
I flat out ask her “are you getting her shot?”
I know in some cases what “retirement” can mean.
She assures me this isn’t the case.
Am I assured?
Her name is Kate and is 28, lived in the same home for most of her life.

28!!!

My main concern being the shock of moving at such a great age will kill her.
The owner wont budge.
I cry, and say “she doesn’t have to go”
Lots of “why’s and but’s”
She still will not undo her decision.
She also starts to cry.
She offers to give me the animal, which is shocking.
Where is the love?

I get off the yard, before the lorry comes, I don’t want to see that poor old horse shipped off.
I saddle my own horse and escape to the country-side.
My heart remained heavy for the rest of the day.

The afternoon and I am at the dentist for a filling.
I hate the dentist, not the man himself, but the act of having dentist work.
He mentions the injection is rather big for a lower tooth.

“whoa there dentist man!! Back up!! Step away from the tooth!!”

The word injection is bad enough.. please don’t put the word ‘big’ in front of it.

I opt to have the filling without pain-killer.

Early evening, and my friend and I are eating burgers, sat on the mounting block in the sun-shine.
We have spent an hour grooming the horses, and the yard owner is having a bbq, so cooked us dinner.
We sit and chat.
I look over at Kates now vacant stable, and back at my half eaten burger.
I turn to my friend and say
“Are we eating Kate?”
We laugh, it’s a sick joke, but I couldn’t help myself.

All in all, a rather sh!t day.

 

[dj.]

Full Circle cont.

In truth, I deleted my last entry; I felt I bared my soul too much.
I don’t want to leave bits out, but at the same time, it may be too much.
I try to write with what’s on my mind at the time, I don’t even refer to my last entry to remind me where to carry on.
I want it fresh and raw, I want it to be real.

The peace in Old Alphas didn’t last long.
I agreed to stay if the person hassling me would leave, which he did.
I know now it was just a rouse.
Although, I am not stupid, he never did let go.
He had allies in that soc that would give him back power the moment he said the word.
I do wonder what he told them?
I do wonder on what manipulation he lead them?
That they believe his motives, do they yet know they were pawns in his game?

I am certain of it, he told them what they would believe, he must have done, for the truth was something very different.
I was, after-all, the object of his desire.
Which is nothing to brag about, when one isn’t interested any more.
The actions this person took, is beyond anything I have ever seen or known.

Firstly, I was promoted to 1st circle.
Again something he controlled, a new Master was promoted to run the Soc.
One we were all happy with.
The master chosen was someone I was happy with also.
Not now, I soon learnt it was just some sort of long-term game, and the new Master was an elaborate plan.
Unbelievable, even to me.

Peace ensued for a short period, until our new Master announced he was moving house and would be inactive for some time.
He offered for someone else to take over the Mastering of the Soc.
We all had a discussion, and decided I would for a 2 week period.
This is absolute fact, which Bluetail will back up, as he was involved.
Also something the current Master agreed to.

Considering the current master came up with the idea that he would be inactive, and wanted replacing, what happened next defies belief.
The person that agreed to leave me alone and leave the Soc was suddenly back in.
I logged in, and he was there!! In our Soc!
Not only that, he was kicking us all from the Soc!

Drastic measurers’ or what!?
So who voted him back to that status?
Oh, I know, hence the kicking, majority rules after all, someone did his bidding, someone kicked, so he could be voted back as Master.
I know who was 1st circle and Master.
You 2 people, can go burn in hell.
Not just for me, but for the innocent people in my soc that were kicked for no reason.
The people logging in to get a message they had been booted from their soc, that nasty surprise you 2 people are responsible for.
I know your names.
I will not forget.

The current Master, who applied for someone to take over as Master while he moved house, went on to post on Entropia Pioneers forum.
He accused me of trying to take over Old Alphas.
Hello?? You asked me too while you moved???
I still can’t fathom this out, what madness is this??
I have friends there fortunately, and the post was deleted.

None of it, to this day, makes any sense to me.
I can only think this person was manipulated in some way, I saw it first hand also.

The person that grieved me in-game went to great lengths to convince me that he intended to commit suicide.
Of course, I was to blame.
I will not divulge any more graphic content, as I have said before; I do not wish to be banned from EF.
Only to say, the pm’s I received were troubling, disturbing.
If I had known at the time to report him, I would have done.
I was naïve.

If he was sending me messages like this, I can certainly see how he affected others.

To be cont..

 

[dj.]

Full Circle cont.

The last entry was exhausting to write, was such a long time ago now, it wasn’t nice for me to remember it all again.
I questioned whether to continue.
I questioned the impact it would have not only on my reputation, but that of others.
I like a journal to evolve and develop, to think-type, I am not sure from the start I even meant to divulge this much.
It may interest others, but to me, its felt like dragging up a filthy past.
But it is interesting that something that only happened in a short space of time, was so intense.
And that at least others may learn, there is a real person on the other side of that keyboard.

Now I am glad I started.

From the moment I did, I stopped reading other peoples diaries; I did not want to be influenced by their style of writing.
Did not want to read something that would trigger a memory in me, so I would write about it to.
I wanted this, to come from my own hand, my own mind, in my own style.
How-ever I am influenced.
Not in stopping or changing my story.
I didn’t want to be influenced by pm’s, reps and comments in-game about my diary, I still wanted to complete my story, in my own way.

Today at least I was offered closure from one person who was directly involved.
Not the main culprit of course, but one of the two people, in my last post, that I wished to burn in hell.
I am influenced now, in that I no longer want this.
I have received your side of the story, and it is sad as mine.
As mentioned, I had already guessed there was some manipulation involved.
I just never knew to what extent.
I forgive you now, and offer my hand in friendship.

To Continue;

So we were all kicked.
My pm box whistled and flashed, as members wondered what was going on..AGAIN!!
There seemed to be no regard from the newly voted in Master, who was in-fact the Old master, to his members being left in the dark.
This lack of regard made me so angry.
I posted on E.P that the guy was an utter cu^t, fortunately, one of the mods toned it down.. more fortunately I wasn’t banned.
I just couldn’t bare to see nice people treated this way, booted with no explanation.
No-one knew what was going on.
As explained, was all an elaborate plan for the ex-master to regain control, helped by 2 people.

From here it gets even messier.

The OA forum was locked down, yet I had access.
Weird messages were posted for me at E.P, hidden in usual posts by this person, posts that would make no sense to an individual knowing no better.
Only known to me.
Some comments, references, co-ords to a location, that I never visited.
How sick was this?
Was the plan for him to log in and wait there, did he really expect me to turn up?
How many times did he log and spend the entire time sitting there waiting??
Jesus Wept, how sad is that?
How deep was his sickness, did his ego convince him I would surely come?

I never did.

A Fan-Story written on ** by him, the heroines name, her initials if swapped read DJ.

*sigh*

This fine fictional character had a big house on T.I, (as does DJ)
She held parties there, and was of questionable behaviour.

Was nice to read.. *cough*

Was why I wrote ‘Deadfall’

If I am going to in-fact be cast as the bitch in a story, please, I can do a better job of it.

I enjoyed writing that story, was in fact him in mind I cast as the person I murdered, and left the Atrax to eat.

Call it therapy.

To be cont.

 

[dj.]

.. and so the plot thickens.

I would not rejoin this Soc again; much effort was made to get me back, which is all rather confusing.
Had I not being labelled as a threat to the power crazed Master, so why want me back?
I do wonder how many people would have thrown in the towel by now.

Early on in my diary, I mentioned I camped at Raven Valley, the whole world knew I hunted there, so it is hardly unbelievable if someone wanted to find me, there would be a good place to start.

I was hunting my Maffs one day, when an avatar appeared on my radar, loitered about some, then ran over to me.
He seemed to be in trouble as some mobs followed him, so I asked him if he was ok, I killed the mobs and a conversation ensued.
He was a freelancer, and told me he was back in game after a long break, and that he may be looking for a soc to join.
I mentioned OA’s recruited mature adults of a certain age, and that it may suit him, to which he seemed very interested.
He asked me why I had left.
I remained diplomatic and answered I felt it was just time for me to move on.
He also asked me about the current Master, which made me suspicious, I again remained diplomatic.
I changed the subject, I asked why he was using a Jungle Stalker to kill Maff, and that it may be cheaper to use something else.
He thanked me for my advice, and added me to his F.L, said good-bye and ran off.

I watched him go, thus happened his first mistake.

A Maff killed him within 2 hits, he was wearing full Vigi.
“New Avatar” I wondered?
Crits did not exist at that time, he died that quick because he had no skills.
Why then is someone so new to the game, carrying a Jungle-Stalker?
.. and also telling me he was back after a break.
It all seemed rather odd.

Me paranoid? You bet!

I will not entirely disclose his name, but it certainly was of some interest.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Knight

Why make it so obvious, surely he should have just called himself something totally random.

His last name is found here, although again, I will not disclose it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_I_of_England

The king in question was his rl first name.

His avatar name screamed to the world it was my former Master, so obvious, I don’t know or understand why he even bothered.


I may be guilty of teasing him a bit here, I couldn’t help myself.

He asked if he could hunt with me, I said sure, and chose armax, again far east Raven.
I didn’t turn up of course.
I let him stand there at the s.c

So I pm’d him, at first to enquire why he had chosen such a name.
I really cant remember what he said, and why he had chosen it.
I then went on to inform him he had spelt the last name wrong.
He seemed embarrassed but gave some excuse or other.
I grew tired of teasing him then, and wrote
“Look I know you are, please do not contact me again”
He acted confused, wrote back he didn’t understand.
My answer “Please do not embarrass your-self further”

Withing seconds, 2 people logged off from game, one being my former master, the other being this guy, of course however, only one human did in-fact log off.

I never heard from this ava again.

 

[dj.]

Hi Cal, how’s the coffee?

Same location.

Jeez DJ you’re boring, cant you hunt somewhere different?

Yes, same sc at Raven Valley and I am approached by yet another avatar.

This time, the plan is more elaborate.

This guy is wearing no armor, no weapons, no, he’s a miner.
He chats me.
Tells me not only he is heavy with oil, but that he is stuck, he cant get back to a town, as he has to walk, its slow and tedious, and mobs keep killing him.

I offer to take his oil, I assure him I can be trusted, I will not steal it.
Of course I wont, I don’t steal, I like to help.
He trades me.
I am surprised he opted to trust me so quick.
In light of this, I take screenies, I am naturally suspicious of anyone in EU that I don’t know.
But also, with it being a rce, I document money transactions ALL the time.
Whether it’s a simple trade, a lend, any monies exchanging hands, I document it, and then back it up, I take shots with time and date/conversation also.

He gave me his oil; he did this freely with hardy any discussion.
So much so, I told him I had taken screen shots, just to protect him also.
I was concerned he trusted someone so quickly, for his own sake.

I tp’d to Zeuss with his oil.
He was now lighter so could run and we met there.
He turned up shortly after, then I handed over all his oil.
Told him gl, and went back to my hunting ground, no charge, nothing, I was just helping someone.

He had added me to his fl and would pm me when in game, wasn’t a ‘hello’ and a ‘gratz’ was more odd things.

He would ask me if I had missed him.

“Hi, did you miss me”
Me) “What do you mean?”
“Well did you miss me when gone?”
Me )“No”
“Yes you did”
Me) “No, Im not sure what you mean?”

Was so utterly weird.
The messages carried on in this way.

I tried to remain polite, in the end after 2 days, I wrote;

“Look, im just playing a game, I don’t know you, so would hardly miss you, I don’t understand what you mean, so please stop with these messages”

The answer was just as weird, he told me he was just joking??
Yeah whatever, you joke away mate, I have had enough.

Again, this avatar never logged in again.

So who was he, my instinct tells me it was the same guy that features in my diary.
So what was he hoping for?
I think he reckoned on me stealing that oil.
Keeping it.
Was probably taking screenies of his own.
Was an effort to discredit me, and why?

Because his ego couldn’t handle I left that Soc and wouldn’t come back.
Couldn’t understand that my friends came with me, even accused me it was ‘my charm’ that got them there.
That I manipulated them.
I didn’t of course, the guy was just mad.
He was convinced, utterly, that I was not as I seemed.
He called me ‘wild’
Well im not.
Its scary, but I just think now, he wanted to think of me that way.

I am actually rather sensible, I have a quick temper, but it’s the only flaw in my personality.

I’m nothing special in fact, just rather normal.

I do think he waited at that sc for me to turn up.
I do think his effort to discredit me failed.
I do believe then he tested to see how I behaved towards another man chatting me up.

I also believe any man reading this will think ‘no-way’
I also believe that any woman reading this, that has been hassled, will totally think ‘yes way!’

What-ever anyone believes, does not much matter.
At the end of the day, this is what happened.

 

[dj.]

RL

Oscar in the bog

One day I was hacking through the country-side, it was winter, and a grey wet day.
This was a rout I had gone many times, but this time, where some of the hedge-row had died back, I spotted an opening into some woods where I had never been before
I decided to investigate; it’s nice to ride somewhere new after-all.
We proceeded down a small hill, and soon the tree’s thinned out, and I realised it wasn’t much of a wood at all.
The area inside was quite open, was eerily silent in there, and not much grew, I thought at the time ‘what a strange place’.
We were on flat ground now and some 20 metres from the foot of the bank we had come down.
Oscar seemed to stumble, which is usual for him, he’s quite clumsy at times.
I kicked him on to tell him to pick his feet up, he seemed to stumble again!
“Oscar! What are you doing!?”
I leant over his shoulder to look down at what the problem was.
To my horror we were in very deep mud, well up to his knees now.
OMG I completely panicked seeing that.
I tried to turn him back, roughly pulling on my left reign and kicking hard, I shouted at him “Back-up, back-up!”
He tried, but he couldn’t, he lurched forward, we sank even deeper, and then again, it was like riding a roller-coaster, sat on this large powerful animal lurching forward with great leaps.
The leaps themselves were not getting us forward much, he was attempting to go up, to leap out of this predicament.
I was precariously unseated by this time, and was lying up his neck, holding on for dear life.
Then everything stopped.
My entire body was on that neck, my head resting just below his right ear.
I looked down, and around at my surroundings.
To my great horror, I realised I was very close to the ground now. My horse had completely sunk!
Roughly four feet in front of us, I saw a small island, my horse must have been attempting to reach it, but failed.
I took the reins and gently slipped from his neck onto my belly, flat out I slithered across the mud and reached for the weeds growing on the island.
It was muddy ground still, but to my relief I didn’t sink, it was more solid.
I stood up and surveyed my surroundings.
The island itself was no more than maybe eight feet in diameter, that’s a rough guess, but it was small.
To the right of this, was boggy again, but for only a short distance, I could see a way out.
It would seem it was only the way we had come was the worst of it.
Although, none of that mattered right now, it was too late, the mistake had been made, and now I may be responsible for killing my horse.

I looked at Oscar, and my heart broke. I couldn’t see most of him.
His entire back end had sunk, I could see the bottom of his saddle and my stirrups were lying on the mud.
His shoulders were visible but not his front legs, even worse, I could see two front hooves sticking out before him. The mud must have pushed his front legs up, into a most unnatural position.
If you can imagine a rearing horse, this was now the position Oscar was in, but in mud.

The look in his eyes was hard to bare, and he was completely still, he just stared at me, he knew he was stuck, and had given up.
I began to pull on the reigns and scream at him “Get up! Get up!”
I pulled and I screamed, he wouldn’t budge, and made no effort to.
I could also see he was continuing to sink!
I screamed at the sky “someone help me!” I screamed for help, I became hysterical in the knowledge I was alone, not only in the country-side, but had left the usual bridle-way.
I was alone, and no-one would come or hear me.

The only other option was to leave Oscar and run for help, this would take some time, perhaps an hour before I could get back.
By which time he would be dead, suffocated slowly, this isn’t how I had envisioned my friend leaving the world.
I decided I couldn’t leave him, even more astonishing I decided I would rather die with him, than leave him, like I say, I was hysterical.
It was a sad state to be in, and I fully believed we would both be dead very soon.
I wasn’t going to leave him, and when the time did come, I would have waded back out, in some desperate attempt to hold his head up from the mud.
Fear did grip my heart, I was petrified.

The only other option was to sit on that island and watch him sink, until nothing was left, the reins slowly being tugged from my hand.
My options were limited, my imagination going into over-drive, although the situation was very real and dangerous.
My hysteria reached a new level, I grew furious at Oscar for giving up, how dare he just lie there!
He was cold and stuck and sinking, but I grew extremely angry.
I began to pull on the reigns horribly and not in the way The British Horse Society may have endorsed!
I swore wildly, screamed wildly, told him to “Fuc&ing Move!!”
I yanked on the reigns, the bit banging against his teeth, I pulled, I screamed, I swore, I cried

What happened next was nothing short of a miracle.
With a great big ‘PLOP’ sound he came flying at me.
I have no idea how this was physically possible.
Still can’t fathom it out.
He didn’t thrash around wildly to become unstuck, and then drag himself to that island.
No, he seemed to just ‘explode’ out of that bog and at me!
There was no warning, where did that power come from? As said, his hooves were at an awkward angle, lying below his head.
It was so unexpected and sudden I was thrown back-wards, for one horrible moment there was a second when I thought I was going to fall back-wards into the bog!
The island was extremely small, there was not much room for one very large animal, and me.
He swung round, my arms waved wildly as I tried to regain balance, was like trying not to fall into a swimming pool.
I regained my balance, and found my self looking at his bottom. He stood looking at where I had spotted the way out earlier.
He too now assessing the situation, I totally trusted him not to get back into that bog.
Oscar was loose now, I had let go of the reigns when he came flying at me, and was thrown.
But he didn’t panic now, he was looking at the far bank.
I couldn’t get to his head, there just wasn’t room!
From his bottom I screamed “Jump!”
Then again “JUMP!”
Thus happened the 2nd miracle, He did !!
I again was almost knocked back into the bog as his back legs launched himself from the island.
He jumped clear, and stood now on the opposite bank, snorting and frightened. He didn’t run away though, he waited for me.
I was still crying but a lot happier “omg Oscar, you did it, you actually jumped!”
Took me awhile to reach him, I jumped to, sank a bit, found something to grab, got up, jumped again, trying to aim for anything that looked solid.
He waited, reigns loose hanging from his head.
I reached him, and hugged him, and told him how sorry I was for my mistake.
I climbed back on him, and got him back to the yard, he was horribley cold, thick mud covering his body.
His bottom is higher than my head, and I am 5’ft 6inches tall. I estimate he had sunk some 5ft.

The next day I went to see the estate manager, to warn him, and ask him to cordon off that area.
He knew about the bog, more disturbing, is that last summer when trying to clear that area, they had lost a JCB, it had sunk, that is some indication on how deep it is.

I feel lucky Oscar didn’t die, but tremendous guilt I put him there in the first place.

Oh, and miracles can happen.

 

[dj.]

The deleted Chapter

Around the time of discovering EU, so many things were going wrong in my life.
The hunting season had started here in Britain.
I know it’s a controversial subject, but I am neither pro or anti hunting.
Some people feel passionate about hunting, some people are passionate anti-hunting campaigners, and some are saboteurs. Some people don’t get involved, but just hate what they see as ‘a cruel sport’.
Well my view is, I don’t like seeing anything killed, yet I eat meat.
Also, I’ve seen first hand what a hound does to a fox, its quick and its kind..its also more natural to be killed by a predator.
Foxes and hares are fast, faster than a hound, not a greyhound, but this isn’t hare-coursing I am speaking about. This isn’t something I have taken part in.
The foxes caught are usually the slow old, sick foxes, that are beyond hunting efficiently for themselves, but find Farmer Jones hens a far easier target.

So I find I am a self-confessed hypocrite.
Lets face it, if I am sat on a horse, own horses, and 2 dogs, then I love animals.
I love foxes too, I think they are beautiful animals, I see them all the time when hacking through the country-side.
So when a fox is caught when hunting.. I look the other way, I hate it, and have to say, so do most of the other lady-hunters.
So why go?
I love the thrill of it, its fast and dangerous. The hunt flat out gallops through the country-side, jumping logs/fences and hedges, crossing rivers and streams.
I only recall falling off once.
Ive been drunk many a time by noon, as the riders pass around the hip-flasks full of whiskey, would be rude to say no
The whiskey is traditional of course, but we all need it, its dutch courage (ohhh, I just realised what that saying means, am I insulting the dutch using that, or does it mean something else? Anyhoo, old saying here, so no offence to the Dutch)
No-one, well me, wants to be jumping a 4 foot barbed wire fence completely sober!

So anyway, as my eu career was starting, there I was one day hunting for real and Oscar, my gelding, receives an injury.
Something has sliced through his back leg, he can’t walk on it, and there’s blood everywhere.
A little crowd gathers, all of a sudden everyone’s a vet with an opinion.
One guy in all his wisdom announces that it would be better not to move my horse, but call a vet to this location, and have my horse shot.
I told him to “Fu^k Off” I was crying by this time, so stood there pointing down the road crying and screaming it.
Then I told all the other people stood there with an opinion to do the same.
Why? I felt my horse was traumatised enough, I know for a fact, a group of people all talking at once around him didn’t help. My horse of course, didn’t understand what was going on, all he knew was that he was in pain.

I took my hunting stock off (its like a tie, but wider and white, its part of the hunting ‘uniform’) and tied it tightly around his back leg.
Then on 3 legs I dragged him hobbling down the road, for miles, back to where our transport was located.
The driver then drove him straight to an equine clinic.
A lot of treatment ensued, the short story is, my horse had sliced his tendon, which had then haemorrhaged and collapsed in on itself.
No leg, no horse, so that was the end of his career, and maybe even his life.
In the very near future, I was to become ill also. So what a fine pair of invalids we made together.
I’ve already spoken about me being ill, so wasn’t riding, and as it was, my gelding was unridable.

A full year stable rest was advised for him, if after a year, the tendon hadn’t or couldn’t heal, he would be shot.
An entire year, everyday I would have to go into that stable, change bandages and care for him.
As time went on, his confinement depressed him, and I was his target for his frustrations, many a time, I was bitten and hurt, I would cry, but didn’t have the heart to tell him off.
An entire year did pass; DJ continued in vl to grow at Raven Valley, Debbie continued to look after Oscar.
Early 2006 the vet was called yet again, I needed a verdict, it was time.
Oscar was on the verge of killing me being confined, him and myself could not go on like this any longer.
The news was good, the tendon would never be the same again, and his hunting career was over, but his leg would be good enough to use for gentle exercise.

Then began a long road of getting him fit again, getting back in the saddle, riding him again.
We got fit together, I hadn’t ridden much either, had been licking my own wounds for an entire year also.
All my physical scars had healed, but my mental ones hadn’t.


My real life relationship suffered horribly.
I totally blamed him that I could have died, I remember him stood at the ambulance doors, he was clutching my moccasin slippers to his chest.
He looked frightened; I hated him for that, truly.
I hated him for a very very long time, for giving me a look like that.
Did he not think I was frightened enough, without having my fear confirmed in his eyes?
I hated that hospital, and all the doctors, was a doctor that had messed up in the first place.
I blamed him because I told him something was wrong, and continued to as I got weaker, he didn’t know what to do, just thought it was the after-affects of the first minor operation.
I had such hatred in my heart, although, looking back, I was so angry at the entire world, I took it out on the person closest to me.
I dumped him more than once.

The more I hurt, the more I skilled in-game, I loved the escapism.
The blue skies, I could be alone if I chose, I didn’t have to think, just shoot
I put off social engagements more than once; my friends began to nag me about it.
One close friend I just completely broke contact with.
I got sick of her parties; it was a regular thing in my life once.
Like taking turns, on whose house do we go to for a bbq/drinks for this week-end.
Sometimes it would be my turn, I loved them at the time, and loved being the hostess.
But then everything changed, and I didn’t care anymore.

Nope, I just skilled, looked after Oscar and just about ignored the rest of the world.


From me being ill, and then Oscar, getting back in the saddle again, on a horse I had nursed for over a year, I felt that day as the sun shone riding through the country-side, we had both come full circle.

That of course not being the end of my entire story of ‘full circle’ but a rather significant time in my life.

tb cont..

 

[dj.]

The 17th of this month see’s me going away for a week.
I leave on the Friday, only to return by the following Tuesday.
I hated being away from home in truth.
This year at least I took my 2 dogs, as last year also saw me returning early because I missed them
I absolutely hate leaving them in kennels, they don’t know where they are, do they?
They don’t even know I am coming back for them.
As far as they understand is that I am not there, and they are in a strange place.
The kennel-woman told me on returning that the 2 dogs would not come in out of the rain, but just sat by the fence waiting..and waiting.
For me no doubt.
I feel awful about this, so refuse to try kennels again.

One year I tried leaving them at home, my neighbour offered to care for them, she lives just next door so.
I have a garden in which I built a dog-run, it’s a gated off area in which they can be contained, and used as a toilet also.
They can be let out many times a day quite safely here, yet when I returned home, I found doggy-doo’s on my kitchen floor.
My dogs are very well trained, and must have been absolutely desperate to have had to resort to doing this.
So quite clearly she didn’t let them out, or even clear up after them.
I won’t be asking her again.

Boredom brings me home.
I can’t sit and do nothing; I can’t relax, not in the usual way anyway.
I need to be busy.
Home life see’s me up every morning and caring for the horses, I am out in the fresh air, grooming, riding, mucking out etc.
The after-noon’s means cooking and house-work, playing EU.
The evenings are sat in front of my pc, again playing eu, browsing the forums etc.
But then, I feel I have earned the right to sit on my ass after such a busy day.

After 2 days of sitting around on holiday, I could feel the on-set of cramp threatening, especially in my calves.
I walk such a lot normally, walking the horses out to each of their paddocks, walking around the yard; riding also strengthens and exercises my back, arms, and legs.
To then sit on a beach, by the pool, lye around reading, it doesn’t bode well with my mind or my body.

I am old enough to be set in my ways, and don’t mind being so.
I love my routine at home, love my life..why escape it by going on holiday?
I have everything here.
Of course how-ever, I have to consider my little girl.
It’s her that wants to go play on the beach, and swim in the pool.
It’s her that wants to (rightly so) visit new places.

I would prefer a city break in truth, where I can walk all day and see the sights.
Being anywhere in or near the country-side is like a bus-mans holiday for me.

So for her I make some effort, I take her away and spoil her rotten.
In truth, I’m amazed I lasted till Tuesday, I was quite fed up by Sunday!
I have considered taking a laptop away with me, but then again, it wouldn’t be fair on her either.

The weather was dire, so was the food, I can’t be eating crap like burger and fries.
So who goes on holiday and actually loses weight? Me lol.
I tried to find nice restaurants, there just didn’t seem to be any in that area.
We thought we had found a nice fish restaurant, I envisioned oysters with a bottle of sauvignon blanc.
How-ever when we sat down, I noticed the window-shelf next to me was dusty and dirty, then spotted broken glass on it!
I promptly walked out.

So some mistakes made by me, I should have researched the area a bit more for things to see and do, places to eat etc.

Ahh well, live and learn!

 

[dj.]

Have to touch on a previous topic, because of some comments I have received.
All nice comments though.
But feel I must clarify.

I don’t feel bad at having redrawn into my cave, my ‘safe spot’
More of a case I chose to.
I got to a point where I was just about fed up with everything.
My friends, my life, getting ill, my horse, my V.L, everything was a hassle.
Everywhere I turned; it sucked, in one hit.

Had a reputation for being quite wild when I was younger, people would nag me to come to parties etc.
“Please come, you will liven it up”
Then I got older.
Occurred to me, these were not my friends at all, I was just the performing monkey.
So there comes the pressure, doesn’t matter how you feel, you have to be the lively one, at all times.
It also occurred to me how demanding friends were.
“lets do this, lets do that, go here, go there etc etc”
Some women need to chat, the same person would call me 3 or 4 times a day, I cant do that, I cant just ring to chat, has to be a purpose.
I would really feel like saying “we only just talked 2 hours ago?”

I began withdrawing or getting pissed-off before I got ill, conversations would be like this;
Come over this weekend?
No, I cant I have Jess
She can come?
No, but if I drive, I can’t drink.
You can stay
I cant, I have dogs.
Bring them with you
Ok, will think about it
Nothing to think about, it’s all settled then.

So take a hint, I didn’t want to go, but the social pressure and nagging from friends made me think “Ok, you are selfish enough to ignore I plainly don’t want to go, but you persist anyway?”

The Hunt Balls were fun too, I could dress in a ball gown, pearls round my neck, champagne in one hand, tuxedo clad fella in the other
But then it grew from one a year, to 2, then 3, and “are you coming?”
The sponsors and the fundraisers that had seen you at the last ones would be on your case to attend the next one.

The birthdays, the anniversaries from friends, been a bridesmaid twice now lol, the family and everything else you have to attend, the Christmas lunch, the weddings, the births etc etc etc. Out every week-end.

One day I just went;

STOP!

Actually, this is what I want to do;

Have a nice bath, with bubbles and blue salt, read a book, drag my hair into a pony tail, doesn’t matter whether I tie it in scrunchie or a pair of knickers, get into my pj’s, all clean and smelly from perfume and talc, open a beer, put some candles on, turn the lights down, sit in my nice Ikea computer chair, and just chill out killing some argo’s.

NOW THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO DO.

This isn’t about ignoring social obligations, it’s because you feel obligated to do them.
Don’t feel you are doing something wrong, just because you don’t want to do it.
Don’t buckle to what others think you should be doing, just because they are doing it.

I am happier now, I keep my friends at arms length, and the nagging has stopped.
That person above has stopped ringing me incessantly 4 times a day, Thank-God!
I now choose when I go out, want to go out.
I really don’t need someone that clings on to me, go find some other mate to cling on to!
I concentrate on my daughter and my horses, my family life etc now.
I am far happier than I was before, with-out everyone wanting a piece of me.

No-one pm me with ‘I now realise I am ignoring R.L’

I don’t think you are!

I think you have just discovered what’s important….. and that’s you.

 

[dj.]

For dinner last night, I made ‘Oops’
This is an extremely easy dish to make and preparation is minimal.

Gas mark 6
Time to cook; not sure

Ingredients;

1 large Italian salami and cotto ham pizza
1 Forum, any forum will do, this time I chose EF.
1 Daily Mail newspaper.

Method;

Pop the pizza in the oven.
Go sit on your as$ browsing the forum.
Make sure to start losing all track of time, this is vital to the dish.
Once entire forum is read, leave pc.
Wander over to the sofa and read the paper.
Make sure to become engrossed in some 2 page story.
After some time, it may occur to you that you smell something.
Be sure to ignore this! If properly engrossed in the news-paper you will.
Much much more time later, be sure to remember what that smell must be.
Utter something like ‘oh crap’ then leap from the sofa.
Retrieve your pizza from the oven.
Does it now look like pizza? No? Then Oops is cooked to perfection.
ENJOY!

 

[dj.]

Birthdays/Balloons

Was my daughter’s birthday today!

!!Happy Birthday!!

Coincidentally, it’s my friend’s daughter’s birthday too.
So we decide on a picnic hack.

I am not sure how it was decided that I should carry all the food, but that’s what ultimately happened.
Another friend lent me a back-pack hamper, full of plates, cups, cutlery etc, adding to this weight was cake, sweets, drinks and all sorts of junk food.
Mounting my horse wasn’t a problem, because I had actually forgotten to put it on!
Sliding it on from there, and tightening the straps were fine, but getting off my horse made me almost fall back-wards.
Then riding with it just wasn’t comfortable at all!

We decided as we all had birthday hats on, the horses should wear them too, oh and maybe some balloons!
We tied the balloons to their manes, with much bother, as you can imagine, horses and balloons don’t normally mix well.
Balloons are fiddly things, and we kept dropping them, which would result in the balloons blowing about the yard and under the horse’s feet.
Was more than one moment in which I just grimaced, and said a quick prayer.
The party hats gave us some grief too, was some rearing and stomping about, some snorting.
2 horses absolutely refused to wear them in between their ears, so we had to put them on the forehead.
Finally, all hats and balloons were in place. We were tacked up and ready to go!

We had just left the yard when one of my daughters balloons made a break for freedom.
Of course, had to be me riding next to her.
The liberated balloon wandered down the pony’s shoulder, onto the floor, and under Oscar. *sigh*

Me “omg, wheres the balloon?”
My friend “its.. right.. by.. Oscars..feet”
She really did say it like that, slowly with a pause between each word. The mood of the moment was “no-one speak, or move!”

This was the first time anyone of us had considered what would happen if a balloon actually burst.
So now here we are about to find out what a loud bang directly under a horse will do.
Well we know horses, and now I was imagining squashed cake, un-mounted crying children, and news-paper headlines;

“Woman dies in riding accident”

Further down the paragraph would be something like “They tied balloons to their horses, how stupid can anyone be?”Im leaning over Oscars shoulder now, looking for the balloon and I am swearing, the word ‘sh!t’ was beaten to death lol as I just continually muttered it.

Me “where is it now”
My friend “right by his hoof!”
Me “Oh No!”
Even worse..
My friend “omg hes starting to kick it”
Me “more swearing”

Then it happened!

BANG!!

No-one died LOL

My friend’s horse momentarily brought his head up shocked and wide-eyed, ears pricked.
Oscar? Didn’t care one iota.
We collapse in much relieved laughter; I’m patting Oscar and telling him what a good boy he is.
One liberated ex-balloon (not of its former glory now) lying broken in bits, we continue.

We are all paranoid about our balloons now, we also now realise the numerous hedgerows and over-hanging branches now offer a new threat, what with some being quite thorny.

Every time we need to ride through a gap in trees, round a fence etc, we forget our riding skills.
Everyone focuses on the balloons!
Steering goes completely out the window, as we forget the reigns and attempt to move twigs and branches, or just cover the balloons with our hands.

Oscars birthday hat had slipped, it was now irritating his left ear, so he was trying to shake it off, every time he shook, the balloons went ‘bop bop bop bop’ as they rebounded off his neck.
This of course would distract him from his irritated ear, now he would be more concerned about what was bopping against his neck!

We finally reach our picnic spot, and it is a proper place, with tables and bins etc.
We all manage to sit and eat/drink while all having a horse in one hand, tethered to a lead rope.
The horses loved it!
They mostly grazed while we ate, but would nose about the table occasionally, plates of cake and drinks would go flying.
All the horses had some cake, and potato chips, and some sweets.
I had brought candles for the cake, but they wouldn’t stay alight.
But kids are kids and easily pleased, so I told them to pretend they were lit, to make a wish, and then pretend to blow them out.
Both children were happy with this.

Picnic over we tidied up, I didn’t want to ruin my friends hamper with chocolate covered plates, so we got the horses to lick them clean LOL.
I may wash them.
Then we all stood on the table in turn, to mount.
The hack home was just as fun, and we got some strange glances from passer-bys in our birthday hats (on top of our riding hats) and balloons.
One man even sang ‘happy birthday’ to the children, we all clapped when he had finished.

We groomed our horses and gave them even more treats when we got home.
I thought Oscar looked so wonderful in his decorations, I left them on when I turned him out into his field.
My friend did the same with her horse.
Those decorations stayed on until I brought them in tonight, was quite a sight, passing their field and seeing two horses still in birthday hats and balloons.
Was a great day, both children loved their picnic. And I can’t remember ever laughing as much as I did today.


(pic, im taking it, so not in it, Oscar, big bay foreground)

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

 

[dj.]

Wow my life got so busy!!
So much going on at the moment I am exhausted!
It’s such a nice exhaustion though!
Getting my mare back proved to be a life changing experience, more than I had anticipated.
Back to full circle, almost then.. quite by accident, how strange is that?
She was so connected to absolutely everything, she was pushed away also by me, as everything went pear shaped.
The more I became involved in EU, the more everything dissolved.
Everything was dissolving, hence becoming submerged in EU.
All connected, all becoming disconnected.
Everything no matter how unconnected.. was connected.

Nothing was forgotten, just filed away, until I was strong enough to deal with it again.
Nothing can be buried, it just cant.. you have to deal with it.

Too ill, confidence destroyed, Oscar shattered and broken. My mare put on loan..nice time then, to work on my hand-gun skills.

Head buried, while my body fixed itself.
More so, and longer, my head.
Don’t leave the house you may die.
Don’t ride you may die.
Don’t fly you may die (still not over that one)

Nearly dying makes you fear death.
Don’t believe the stories that people just get braver, start bungee jumping, give up work, and become adventurous, second chance and all that.
That’s all bull.
Actually you become rather jumpy, you feel frail.. you realise how easy it would be to die.
Be gone.

I actually feel I am over that now, maybe for some time in fact.
Last weekend I went out on a hack through the country-side, was riding my mare.
We reached a wide open space, a stubble field that had been harvested, was vast.
She saw this space and reared/bucked/reared/bucked/reared/bucked.
So I let go of my reigns.
Not physically, that’s just terminology for ‘I let her go’
I let her gallop.
The absolute sheer speed of this horse took my breath away, and I shouted words to the effect of ‘oh my fu&ing God!!!’
I felt out of control, the wind in my face, my jacket blowing behind me, my friends left for dust.
My thoughts were ‘If you stumble at this speed, I’m dead’
Ahh too late now!!
I had no choice but to just get on with it.
The other choice? Fall off and die also lol.

I didn’t die of course, and I didn’t fall off.
In-fact I am a very good rider, and now is the time to stop fearing things that may happen.
I have to stop a bad experience from messing up the rest of my life.
Living in fear, isn’t living at all.

So today I jumped again..finally after 2 years.
From someone watching I received a massive compliment.
He said he couldn’t fault me, and I was a talented rider.
Am embarrassed, to even add it to my diary, feels like blowing my own trumpet.
Was horribly embarrassed at the time also, and just turned away.

Even so, it meant the world to me, not only knowing I could jump again, but someone saying I had done well.

No-one but me, will know how I felt approaching that first jump today, after 2 years of not jumping.
A life not lived, is death in itself.


My brain wants to go back to work.
I am haunted by thought I should work.
I have an ideal life, but I am ashamed by it, so many women work..I feel I must also.
I feel also, I must achieve something.
Soon I go back to working with horses again.
This week I have set things in motion.
My friend and I are going to go into business dealing (buying and selling ponies)
I don’t want to get involved with the horse market, that’s more complex.
Adults are too specific, they want a horse for a specific job, ie, show-jumping, dressage, hunting etc.
Catering for children I feel will give me a much larger scope, bigger market also.
We buy; we school, bring the pony on, then sell.
Profit margin being paramount of course.

There is no other job worth considering really.
I love being outdoors, love being around the horses, have the knowledge and experience, and time..
Also, I want to be my own boss.. naturally.
I am just waiting on securing a trailer and we are set!

So, much change recently, life’s great hey?

 

[dj.]

Weekend in Paris!!

Weekend with my best friend in-game PM!!

Diary entry can wait, for now some pics.. enjoy!!


http://www.photodump.com/djJaguar

 

[dj.]

I’ve totally lost the flow of my diary recently, not that it matters much.
Let’s see past few weeks..
Put down plans to go back to work, was lots to sort out there.
Went to Paris, lots of fun there!
On returning had to secure payment on horse-trailer, sort out insurance, towbar, licence plate etc.
Picked up trailer.
Had lessons in said trailer, and holy crap how hard is it to reverse!!?!!
I have serious neck-ache!!
Many times I gripped my steering wheel and screamed RAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Damn thing.
Anyhoo, business all set, advertising started yesterday.. am waiting for the phone to ring now!

I have less time for eu due to current circumstances, but that’s been fine too.
Actually its been great.
Ive lost half a stone in weight, drink way less, smoke way less.
I feel fitter than I have felt in about three years.. as long as I have played eu oddly lol.

I still manage to play most days however, mainly evenings now though. Though my bed-times have got earlier, I just can’t keep up the pace of my daily routine and be tired atm.
It is physically impossible to work with my horses and not get enough sleep.
Everything remains fun though, my day time routing and my evening pursuits.
Oh and I’ve actually read 2 books lately, something else I haven’t done for 3 years lol.
What 2 books have I read?
Oh God, I cannot help but admit.. both were the first 2 in the Harry Potter series lol.
There you go, I blame my child for leaving them around the house, on picking the first one up, I couldn’t put it down after the first few pages, they are very entertaining to read!

Gossip on my new Soc ViaDolorosa.

There isn’t any.
Caliber is a lovely guy, period.
I haven’t really time so far to get to know all my soc mates, I really only know PM, Cal and Wormie the most.
All seem great though, they must be, they wouldn’t be in ViaDolorosa other-wise!
There is plenty of time to get to know the rest though, I am not planning on going anywhere, and ViaDolorosa will be around till the next ice-age.. probably.

Im lost in game at the moment, probably because I have everything focused on rl atm, so no focus in eu.
Im actually bored of hunting, and mining in truth.
I have been crafting lately, but I only do it for kicks, which means I start to fiddle with the quality/quantity slider, and it gets expensive then!!
Which is why I like it I think, I have a gambler in me busting to be let loose!
Gambling Rocks, I love it!!
See? I need help lol.
I need to step away from the slot machine, and find a new challenge, I still love playing, but it seems that hg has been glued to my hand for almost 3 years.

In-fact, I still want to hunt, but what and where?
Im pig-sick of atrox/warriors/longu/argo/nec etc.
Maybe something completely different is needed.
I have tried ditching the nice gear and taking a step back, hunting feffs and lower level mobs, but that becomes frustrating.
Or maybe I should just go camp Raven Valley again and live off Maffs lol. Do they drop anything nice?
Had a plant off one once, woopy-doo!

Anyway, Ive done it again, found myself in a rut, I get bored too easily.
Moving Soc was a new era, kept me excited for a while, now I just need to give my career/job in eu a kick up the ass.
Guess I could help some NooBs out, tp runs etc, or maybe team with people I don’t normally team with.
The South Africans I met during the WOF were fun to hunt with, less skilled than me (sorry guys lol) but refreshing all the same.
Made a nice change to save someone from a umbranoid, made me feel all uber and helpful LOL

People I normally hunt with can look after themselves, and if they die it’s just hilarious and inconvenient, rather than a major hiccup.
“It was a crit OK?!”
“My fap jammed”Hehe.
So normally, theres no point teaming if the mob is not a challenge.

Also, the maddx4 has spoilt me considerably, even deciding to skill melee for a while wears off when it seems so slow to kill a mob.. I soon pull my hg out.

BUT.. we will see, I just need to get creative!

 

[dj.]

One day after adverts went out for our new business..

I log into EU at 2.30pm, by 3pm not only do I receive the first phone-call from a customer.. I also hoffed...TWICE!!

So now I am back at work, and my own boss.
Am doing a job I love and one I have most knowledge about, no learning the ropes.

We managed to complete the schooling and exercising of eight horses today, have 2 in stock to sell, and looking to buy more, have two possible(s) to train on for next week
I would say it’s all going rather well.
After working all day with my business partner, we worked 9.5 hours, without food or a break.
I have there-for decided we should set a lunch-break at 1pm for half an hour.
Ohh I am also thinking of setting a time for stopping work, as we start at 9am, seems sensible we have a time to clock off.
Although!
I also fully believe we should utterly work our asses off to get this business up and running to be a success, so am reluctant to declare we all go home by 5pm!!
As for now, the lunch break is a necessity, we had little energy by the early afternoon, were utterly worn out by 6pm.
So some food/drink will be beneficial.

The day is structured, I plan what needs to be done the day before, in time, it will be the week before, but I only started this week lol.

So am now wondering how people manage to play EU, have a clean house, do their laundry AND work!
How is it possible??
My house is looking untidy already.
I am too tired to cook, although have made some attempt but have had 2 take-away’s already this week.
I had time for everything before returning to work, but now it’s impossible.
I guess some men have wives to cook and do the house-work?
I’m not being sexist, but it must be true?
I have to do it all now, be a mother, taxi-driver, cook, cleaner, carer, everything! And still work.
Am I supposed to return home from work now tired, and NOT play EU but do all the cleaning and catching up in the evening?
Go to bed when all the chores are done?
Then in the morning go straight to work?
Is that the life for a working woman?

I do wonder.

The men, they go to work, they come home, and they expect a cooked meal, and a tidy house, clean clothes in the wardrobe?
Do men expect all that, and to then sit on their asses all night, because they have worked, they see their evenings as a time to relax.
What about the working woman?

I’m sure a lot of married men do help.
Hope so!
I would be interested to hear on how other women cope with working and keeping a tidy house, send me a pm.
Not so many women play eu though, would the eu time in the evening be replaced by house-work then?
I can’t see how it can be done at any other time then, if one is at work all day?

New life, new routine I guess, in time I will figure out how to be more efficient and to fit everything into one day.

 

[dj.]

Jeez, one week in work and I’m slacking already lol.
I ignored the phone this morning and didn’t get up till 11am.
Luckily my business mate had a hangover from the night before, and was in no fit state to care.
I certainly made up for it tonight though, had to do some follow up work on the pc, so missed out on shooting argo’s.
The entire time thinking ‘I want to play’
I had previously started a hunt, logged off half-way through.
So am haunted that DJ is still stood there with lots of unused ammo.

I’ve no time to switch off at the moment and relax, if part of my business is buying and selling, there’s no time to waste on coming home, I have a pc sat here, so can still browse the net for stock.
I need so much more also.
Uniforms have to be sorted with our company name, more adverts need doing, contacts and suppliers are needed.
I really really really really want a time to finish work!!
But I can’t yet, not unless I want to invite failure.

Our latest investment was a little sh&t yesterday.
Bucked my daughter off.
Was rather funny, she hit the sand, somersaulted on to her feet, flung out her arms wide and went ‘ta-daa!!’
She leapt back on, and the naughty pony reared up.
My daughter fortunately sat that, but I asked her to dismount.

I approached this pony which then reared in my face, and boxed out at me.
So I mounted it haahhahah!!!!, it still managed to rear with me on it.
I am afraid I had to take my whip to it.
Well, I won’t excuse this, I know what I am doing, it’s not cruel.
No way I hurt it, ever seen how hard a horse can kick another?
Was just shock tactic, a reminder, like the race-horse, the jockey isn’t hurting the animal, just to spur it on, to urge.

He’s naughty, I quite like his spirit actually, but I can’t have him being dangerous and killing a child.
This pony passed a vetting before being sold, I know for a fact it isn’t because it has back problems, or health issues.
He really is saying ‘k, I’m bored of working now, get off’

So he was told off, and then worked again, taken back to the yard and given a feed and some treats.
Today we took the same pony out again, child on his back. He was good as gold.
What a lovely little man he is!
The lady I bought him from, may have bended the truth about him some, which is fine, she obviously didn’t have the balls to get on his back to deal with the bucking and rearing.
So in her case, his little tactics did pay off. She was probably so horrified at this, that she dumped him in his field without trying again.. something I am sure my little man would have quite chuckled at.. as he then resumed grazing.

My house remains tidy (again)
I am uncertain how this came about lol, think I may have just turned into super-woman lol.
Oh wait, I know, I was late for work this morning.. Dammit lol.
Was late because my lazy-ass stayed in bed, then I tidied before leaving.
*hangs head in shame*
Plan B, when work is paying well, employ a cleaner.
OR..increase profit margin and have messy house.
Ok, plan B then lol.

Change of subject.
I had a nightmare the other night, not sure if I’ve mentioned this yet, I don’t like to read my diary back.
OMG I should then lol, maybe I am just repeating myself LOL.
Ive always had some issues.
Well I have covered some in my diary.
Most phobia's though are being left behind. The latest is claustrophobia and flying.
Working on those 2 atm, but doubt claustrophobia will ever truly leave.

Spiders;
Had a dream one was walking up my arm, for once I didn’t wake screaming, flailing from my bed, waking the entire street.
It didn’t wake me at all, on remembering it the next morning I didn’t even feel bothered.
Today there was a spider on one of the horses, and I flicked it away.
I am unsure why this phobia is dwindling.
My flying phobia; My therapist said it came from no-where (it truly did) maybe you will wake one-day and it will be gone.
Hope so.

The spider dream wasn’t my nightmare btw, this was;

I was lying in bed, hadn’t fallen asleep yet. In all truth though I was in that state where you start to doze.
Was still aware of things around me, street-lamps, the wind, the clock etc.
Something growled in my ear, then again.. then once more.
Each growl was louder, more menacing.
Like this;

Grrrrr
GRRR!!
GRRRRRR!!!!

It seemed menacing, was frightening.
I screamed ‘Go Away!!’ and kicked out, actively kicked out, I was awake and on my left side, my right leg kicking out at the source of the noise.
Also have to admit this, even if it makes no sense. I even shouted ‘don’t be silly!’
OMFG, ‘don’t be silly?’
There’s some menacing ‘something’ growling at me and I shout that?
Anyhoo..
I hit nothing but air? Was nothing there.
It did stop however.
Was truly disturbing.

In the morning, it took me ages to pull myself together, I sat on the edge of the bed for ages, goose bumps all over, I felt rather unsettled at the previous night.
Felt unsettled all day.

On my way to school about 2 weeks later;
Was a normal morning, same mad rush to do the ‘school run’.
Every mad mother running late behind the wheel of a car, trying to beat all the other mad mothers on their way to school lol.

My daughter from the back seat said to me;

‘Mum? Something was growling in my ear last night’