Fishface
Old Alpha
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- May 26, 2008
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For what it’s worth, happy Valentine’s Day.
It’s one of my least favorite holidays. I think whoever invented it was probably not married. In fact, I’m in favor of doing away with the holiday forever.
Sound pretty harsh? Let me explain:
Valentine’s day is not a true holiday.
Everyone knows that for it to be a true holiday, it needs to be paid. On Christmas, I get paid even if I don’t work that day. And if I do work, the pay comes out to double-and-a-half. Now that’s a holiday. On Thanksgiving, I get paid on the holiday, and on the day after, to boot. Again, another true holiday. On Valentine’s Day, if I have to work, I get…nothing. Both at work, and again when I come home.
“Hi, baby. I know I had to work today, but I’m home now. You wanna sneak off somewhere together?” No. It’s not going to happen. You might as well go take a cold shower now and get it over with.
Nevermind her birthday, anniversary, mother’s day, or the little thoughtful things you did during the year for no reason whatsoever. You blow Valentine’s Day and you are in the doghouse.
You have to buy gifts for someone that you already have.
It’s a strange thing. When you are dating, you want to impress her with your thoughtfulness. You want to let her know that you care. You are young and stupid enough to think that expensive gifts or fancy dinners are important in life. And in the process, you win her over. But now you already have her. Why do you have to keep buying expensive crap every year? I mean, seriously. When we were dating, I never saw her without her makeup. I never had a date with her where she wasn’t wearing some amazing perfume. When I would come in the room, she would stop what she was doing and come over to me and tell me how much she missed me. That all stopped with “I do”. What gives? How come I am expected to continue the pre-marriage ritual every year, but she doesn’t have to. Load of crap if you ask me.
Valentine’s Day Sex Sucks
Let’s face it. We are married. We have sex all the time. But Valentine’s Day sex sucks. I mean, think about it. We are going to have to get a babysitter. It’s going to have to be someone who is single, and not dating. That means that they will already be in a bad mood. Then we are going to have to drop the kids off with them and try not to make eye contact, because we know and they know that it is Valentine’s Day and we are going somewhere as a couple. And they are not. Then we will have to go to a packed restaurant and wait for an hour and a half until we get seated. The waiter will be in a hurry to get us out of there. The food will be slapped together, because they are going to be packed. And then out to a movie or something. Again, packed full. Loud. All the young single guys wondering if they are going to get lucky tonight will have all of their peacock feathers out and trying to make a good impression on their date. We’ll get out late. We have to pick up the kids. We’ll finally get home, but the kids are packed full of sugar, due to the sheer evility of the babysitter who is sitting home today with the kids while we are out “having a good time”. They won’t go to bed until they have had a proper beating. We will finally get to bed somewhere after midnight. Exhausted. And we’ll end up having a “quickie” and go to sleep.
I say, hell with it. We can have sex any day of the year.
The platitudes don’t cut it
Let’s face it. Every year you hear someone talk about the over-commercialization of different holidays. “Make Christmas a craft,” they tell you. “Spend Thanksgiving telling people how thankful you are”.
Valentine’s Day is no different. “You don’t have to buy her expensive gifts,” they say, “Show her your love by doing the dishes. Vacuum the floor. Clean the bathroom.”
Yeah, right.
“What did you get me for Valentine’s day?” she will ask you.
“I cleaned the bathroom.”
“And you bought me a….?”
You’re toast, man. She’s going to be talking to her friends and they will say “I got a dozen roses.” “I got a diamond.” “I got a day at the health spa.” and she will be saying “He cleaned the toilet for me”.
You’re a dead man.
Now I had a plan back in my younger years. We were engaged to be married, and I said that I thought it would be very romantic to be married on Valentine’s Day. I mean, what better expression of love can you give someone than to marry them on the one day of the year that is set aside for lovers? No dice.
“You honestly expect me to get married on Valentine’s Day?” she said.
“Sure,” I told her. “It would be a beautiful thing.”
“You must think I’m stupid,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“Well,” she said, “There are only a certain number of holidays during the year. Some of them involve gifts and some do not. Valentine’s Day involves gifts, and so does your anniversary. I’ll be damned if you will trick me into combining the two of them and gyp me out of a gift-giving-holiday every year.”
So it’s not like it’s just an accidental cultural phenomenon. This whole Valentine’s Day thing is a well-planned female conspiracy. I figured that out one year.
Well, I say that I figured it out, but really she let it slip.
She said, “Now you know that if you forget Valentine’s Day you have to hear about it until next Valentine’s Day.”
And I said, “Is that some sort of Women’s Code?”
And she said, “Yes. You didn’t know?”
So anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you don’t screw it up too bad.
It’s one of my least favorite holidays. I think whoever invented it was probably not married. In fact, I’m in favor of doing away with the holiday forever.
Sound pretty harsh? Let me explain:
Valentine’s day is not a true holiday.
Everyone knows that for it to be a true holiday, it needs to be paid. On Christmas, I get paid even if I don’t work that day. And if I do work, the pay comes out to double-and-a-half. Now that’s a holiday. On Thanksgiving, I get paid on the holiday, and on the day after, to boot. Again, another true holiday. On Valentine’s Day, if I have to work, I get…nothing. Both at work, and again when I come home.
“Hi, baby. I know I had to work today, but I’m home now. You wanna sneak off somewhere together?” No. It’s not going to happen. You might as well go take a cold shower now and get it over with.
Nevermind her birthday, anniversary, mother’s day, or the little thoughtful things you did during the year for no reason whatsoever. You blow Valentine’s Day and you are in the doghouse.
You have to buy gifts for someone that you already have.
It’s a strange thing. When you are dating, you want to impress her with your thoughtfulness. You want to let her know that you care. You are young and stupid enough to think that expensive gifts or fancy dinners are important in life. And in the process, you win her over. But now you already have her. Why do you have to keep buying expensive crap every year? I mean, seriously. When we were dating, I never saw her without her makeup. I never had a date with her where she wasn’t wearing some amazing perfume. When I would come in the room, she would stop what she was doing and come over to me and tell me how much she missed me. That all stopped with “I do”. What gives? How come I am expected to continue the pre-marriage ritual every year, but she doesn’t have to. Load of crap if you ask me.
Valentine’s Day Sex Sucks
Let’s face it. We are married. We have sex all the time. But Valentine’s Day sex sucks. I mean, think about it. We are going to have to get a babysitter. It’s going to have to be someone who is single, and not dating. That means that they will already be in a bad mood. Then we are going to have to drop the kids off with them and try not to make eye contact, because we know and they know that it is Valentine’s Day and we are going somewhere as a couple. And they are not. Then we will have to go to a packed restaurant and wait for an hour and a half until we get seated. The waiter will be in a hurry to get us out of there. The food will be slapped together, because they are going to be packed. And then out to a movie or something. Again, packed full. Loud. All the young single guys wondering if they are going to get lucky tonight will have all of their peacock feathers out and trying to make a good impression on their date. We’ll get out late. We have to pick up the kids. We’ll finally get home, but the kids are packed full of sugar, due to the sheer evility of the babysitter who is sitting home today with the kids while we are out “having a good time”. They won’t go to bed until they have had a proper beating. We will finally get to bed somewhere after midnight. Exhausted. And we’ll end up having a “quickie” and go to sleep.
I say, hell with it. We can have sex any day of the year.
The platitudes don’t cut it
Let’s face it. Every year you hear someone talk about the over-commercialization of different holidays. “Make Christmas a craft,” they tell you. “Spend Thanksgiving telling people how thankful you are”.
Valentine’s Day is no different. “You don’t have to buy her expensive gifts,” they say, “Show her your love by doing the dishes. Vacuum the floor. Clean the bathroom.”
Yeah, right.
“What did you get me for Valentine’s day?” she will ask you.
“I cleaned the bathroom.”
“And you bought me a….?”
You’re toast, man. She’s going to be talking to her friends and they will say “I got a dozen roses.” “I got a diamond.” “I got a day at the health spa.” and she will be saying “He cleaned the toilet for me”.
You’re a dead man.
Now I had a plan back in my younger years. We were engaged to be married, and I said that I thought it would be very romantic to be married on Valentine’s Day. I mean, what better expression of love can you give someone than to marry them on the one day of the year that is set aside for lovers? No dice.
“You honestly expect me to get married on Valentine’s Day?” she said.
“Sure,” I told her. “It would be a beautiful thing.”
“You must think I’m stupid,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“Well,” she said, “There are only a certain number of holidays during the year. Some of them involve gifts and some do not. Valentine’s Day involves gifts, and so does your anniversary. I’ll be damned if you will trick me into combining the two of them and gyp me out of a gift-giving-holiday every year.”
So it’s not like it’s just an accidental cultural phenomenon. This whole Valentine’s Day thing is a well-planned female conspiracy. I figured that out one year.
Well, I say that I figured it out, but really she let it slip.
She said, “Now you know that if you forget Valentine’s Day you have to hear about it until next Valentine’s Day.”
And I said, “Is that some sort of Women’s Code?”
And she said, “Yes. You didn’t know?”
So anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you don’t screw it up too bad.
