In medias res:
First part of chapter 1 is not good, why take it out on the northern koreans? Its meant to be science fiction so free yourself entirely from todays eath... I would cut it out and start with the "My name is Alexander..."
its a planet almost 2 times smaller than earth
maybe half the size would be a better expression
your writing style is too clinical, but war is dirty, living in PA is dirty, especially when you got no Peds on the card, sweating is dirty, i hope you get me. Explain the inner fight between your will to make it and the ugly work you got to start with, try to get people hooked with describing all those unfullfilled dreams a sweater has, describe what sweaters think and talk. They dont dream about hunting spiders (yet) they dream about "just" Orthos, just Camp Phoenix, things that can be achieved sooner or later, show what it means to be a bloddy beginner, how grateful sweaters are about the bubbles and the healers, how sick they are about the PA tp chatter, how important it is to advance in the world by collecting tps, but what a challenge this actually is for a newbie. stuff like this...
when you talk about your first days chapter 2 of part 1 theres nowhere mentioned how this new life moved you, even as a Calypsian youre human after all, and even if not, your audience is human after all, you need to hook them with something they can identify with. What feeling is that first gun in your hand in an environment that hostile like Eudoria to a newbie? You set a goal like sweating 5k sweat and you get smacked and smacked again, its frustrating, but sooner or later you sell the sweat and get the ped, so there is value in this hard work.
The pvp4 scene and even the part you write about WoF damn man you are no robot. Things moved you, one can read that, but in the first parts you fail to deliver this to the reader
Ah the Korss 400 part, there is a first expression of emotion, like: "Get lost damn it, i am hunting!" (go go go) A drone incomming and you hate it, life is hard enough without it, now another drone charging at you. Dont write that you shout that youre pissed off, the reader needs to learn what this actually means. How can it piss you off in one sentence and next sentence you behave like Clint Eastwood in high noon? The missing link is anger, show them how the new threat kinda "disturbs" your flow of hunting, how it makes you angry, how your will is battling that anger and suddenly, how you get cold -> cool and calculating and shoot the shit out of the tuna can. And finally when it drops the warm golden wave of success washes over you.
Its all meant to be ups and downs, like you go to snables they kick your ass, no matter what you carry on hunting them and you struggle and struggle and finally you master them, same goes for the orthos west mound scene
and for any other mob as well. You most certainly remember the name of your first rocket launcher, so log back on and check auctions for the name, not much work in it... just a matter of consistency
Dont bore the reader with useless chats like the one that starts with : Wazap Conte? what we got there is a chat between 2 people with totally different experiences, first one lost 1k ped hunting the other one is quite succesful. 2 totally different states of mind, one cant stop to grin, one is close to raise the gun to his own head. Theres potential in it, but it needs to pop into the readers mind. You just mention your good hunts, still there are always days and weeks that beat the shit out of you, explain them, express the "ups and downs", the "its dynamic".
The WoF battle against the americans, all odds against you, still you kick ass, your loot is great, its an emotional roller coaster again. If you mention WoF dont bore me with your HA on your Korss (i know what a Korss 400 A104 means in the hands of a newbie, so why dont you devote an own chapter to it, praise it, its most certainly something worse to be mentioned).
If you start a thought or scene you need to end it and if it ends just in a stupid joke, this is still more exciting to the reader than your freakin stats on the korss and an emotionless statement about your healthy pedcard. What does it mean to you and anyone else to be a winner OR looser in a WoF-match? What i mean is: If i read in the newpaper that there was a soccer match between dunno Kuwait and Uganda its like in 1 ear and out the other. But to have a personal report of a player of one of those "outsider" teams and its about all or nothing, like in a qualifier match, you need to nail that situation, the reader needs to know what it means to you, if it means nothing to you just cut it out, it wont mean anything to me either. If you can achive it to make it interesting it doesnt matter anymore how good or bad the fame of your team is. You as well as the reader can take this fight personal.
Chapter III cut out the RxUnit scene (or put it to another place) WE ARE IN WOF! And you guys are on a roll, its all about emotions again! Actually this is the best part so far because, youre so overrun with emotions you even start to decribe it emotionally. WE WON! WE ARE IN THE SEMI FINALS
- The battle
to write a battle scene is actually the hardest thing to do for a writer, even if you have participated. In battle scenes the preassure of emotion turns ugly, even the reader must be stressed to the last. In the last WoF finals i was in dome 17 where Sweden, USA and Romania fought that battle royale. Someone mentioned in the open that he just got hit for (i think it was) 88.9dmg and he had 89hp (something like this), those scenes are dramatic, i as the reader or witness remember those scenes, combine them with what usually happens in Dome 17 (total wipeout after total wipeout of the hunters, not the mob) and you get an idea of how much luck this this youngster actually had. It suddenly gets special, interesting and therefore worth writing and reading.
But from here on the text gets better and better, you changed perspective, one can read that you "discovered" the inner world. You suddenly value it, you did not before when describing the Orthos or PA scenes. But you have to, to show that only an iron will brought you this far. Every succes get way more valueable to the reader, if he knows what struggle everyday life is.
Whatever you write make the reader a witness, he peeks over your shoulders, he also feels what you feel. If you always aim at making the reader identify with the maincharacter you can get a great novelist, actually everybody can. Cut out all zero-sentences and scenes, things that do not belong to the plot, and if you do set a foundation with them, something that seems to mean nothing for now, but gets critical later.
I got no time to discuss the whole book, but i hope this is of help!
