WARNING: another lengthy post, but it gets juicy!
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As indicated in my first post, men and women are hardwired differently, BUT … it’s not an excuse to be used to define poor relationships. Our beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors are basically “learned,” and given the way we are socialized as men and women, it’s no wonder we have the challenges we do.
WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US … and for those of you who say that our partner’s should “know” what we want and need … every contextual situation brings with it a unique experience, and perhaps what may have been understood in a previous experience, is not so understood in the next.
When you talk about toilet seats and toothpaste, these are such trivial things to make an issue out of, yet causes stress and argument that can strain a relationship. You may have to put the seat down, but then he has to raise the seat his next trip into the bathroom, and in all my years living in the same household as a man, not once did any of them bitch about the seat being down. With regard to the toothpaste tube … get your own and let him have his fun squeezing from the middle, maybe it gives him some kind of pleasure to do so, who knows. Maybe even HE doesn’t know why he does it, but obviously it doesn’t trip him out.
Relationships are multi-dimensional, but the very core of what makes it work or not is communication, and since we communicate 7% with words, 38% with tone of voice, and 55% with body language, we give each other mixed messages all the time. At no time should we have an unreasonable expectation that our partner “know” what we are thinking or what we need, BUT … that said, I DO agree that the closer we get, and the more we understand each other (along with a keen sense of awareness), we are presented with opportunities that allow us to behave in a way that says to our partner that they matter.
With regard to all those wonderful “etiquette” comments … this too should not be “automatic thinking,” because as far back as the 70’s when women’s lib burst onto the scene, men really haven’t known how to behave with women for fear of either insulting them, or hurting their feelings. Again, we teach people how to treat us, and if women enjoy the whole concept of shivalry and having doors opened for them, and seats pulled out at a restaurant table, then this is information that needs to be communicated, not just blindly expected.
Not meant as a dig at all, but men have a “caveman mentality” that is learned quite early on. Men have been socialized to be the stronger sex, to be the breadwinners (until women came into their own), and to be the one who “fixes” everything, so it’s no wonder they go into that mode of thinking when women carry on with whatever is bothering them. Again, I don’t think it’s intentionally a bad thing, or necessarily meant in a derogatory way, but any man who cares enough for his lady will WANT to fix things so that she doesn’t continue to be frustrated.
Here’s where the problem lies … as stated several times in this thread (I believe), women just want an opportunity to “share” their thoughts and feelings with men and just have them “listen” without thinking they have to fix everything. The first time a man “got it” and responded with … “I’m really sorry that you’re having such frustrations at work, is there anything I can do to help” … I said … “thank you for just listening, and ... oh ya, let’s take a hot, steamy shower and wash away the tension” <-- classical conditioning for all you psych-types!
Again, we teach people how to treat us … don’t you think that the lesson learned for both of us at this moment was that we had reached a point in our relationship where we had a greater understanding of our needs. And no, it wasn’t all about “sex” but about understanding personal perspectives and how to be there for each other. The hot, steamy shower was a bonus for both of us, along with the intimate feelings I was already experiencing as a result of him “getting it” … and no, it did not set up an expectation that this was going to happen each and every time he “got it” … but a sweet way that in that moment spoke to the closeness we were sharing, and expanding that closeness into a more exquisite experience.
Ok, now for the “MIND ORGASM” inquiry … this goes for both sexes, so get your pen and paper ready.
There’s no question that I am passionate about “words” and love the opportunity to utilize words in a way that spill over into print bursting with delicious inuendo. I’m also passionate about intimacy and foreplay, but where so many go wrong in their thinking is believing it’s all about physical contact, when in fact it’s not. The journey can be just as exquisite as the destination, but far too many don’t take the time to explore intimacy in ways that truly enhance the overall experience.
Intimately communicating with each other also doesn’t mean “trash talk” … although in the heat of some moment and the level of fire present in your animal urges can make for an interesting experience as well, BUT … intimacy can be a look, a casual touch, and words that have no base in sexual definition at all, but can stimulate and arouse in a way that makes the foreplay inviting and exciting.
Sitting across from each other at the dinner table can be more stimulating than feeding a basic biological need. The way you eat your food, or the way you look at each other without uttering a word can speak volumes … remember that we communicate 55% with body language … but then words spoken could be as simple as … “this burger is so juicy it’s dripping down my chin” … or … “it’s fun to take the legs of this crab and split them apart” … or … I think you get the message. I know someone who, when explaining how to make a particular type of dish when cooking, utilizes words in a way that makes my thoughts wander.
An intellectual exchange of words for me is a massive turn-on, as well as simple usage of words in a way that get the juices flowing without intentionally meaning to do so. THAT’s what’s so exquisitely delicious to me … someone “tuned in” to the point of not just jumping into the sack and “getting it on” but taking that journey that builds to a crescendo where the anticipation can only be exceeded by the actual event.
We need to learn to live life juicy … and no, I don’t necessarily mean in a physical way for all you perverts going there … but in a way that allows us to totally enjoy each other in our relationships, rather than getting so caught up in “topics” and stereotypical thinking that prevent us from enjoying relationship success. We need to learn to not be so “personally defensive” and realize that we both affect each other with our behaviors, and oftentimes lack of effective communication. We need to realize that we are all “splendidly IM-perfect” and not have unreasonable expectations that promote the challenges that lead us into our steretypical thinking.
When you care about someone, it means that you respect your differences and try to achieve common ground. It means taking personal responsibility and making a genuine effort toward meeting not only individual needs, but the needs of the relationship. It means “wanting” to understand, and “wanting” to contribute in ways that make you both feel good about yourselves and the relationship, and not having unreasonable expectations that the other person automatically know what you’re thinking or feeling, or what you need.
When you make the decision to be involved in a committed relationship, make sure your motives are based on genuine and sincere intentions, and not just self-serving. There’s nothing more disheartening than to discover you’re in a one-sided relationship.
Ok, I’m done again!
Except for one last bit of research-based information …
The average orgasm is only ten seconds long. The average frequency of intercourse is once or twice a week for most couples. That equals about 20 seconds of orgasm per week; one-and-a-half minutes per month, or 18 whole ecstatic minutes each year. (Just so you know, in 50 years, that would be about 15 hours). We devote thousands and thousands of hours to fantasizing about sex, worrying about sex, daydreaming about sex, wishing for sex, planning for sex ... for 15 hours of ecstasy in 50 years.
That said … we place far too much emphasis on just the “orgasm” and it’s about time the “rules of engagement” are kicked up a notch … as well as how many times a week the average couple engages in sex, because 15 hours of orgasm in 50 years is pathetic!
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Shame really, these guys need all the advice they can get.
things, so disregard my solution to the toilet seat... your point is well taking and very passionate... and it is interesting men are as stimulated by these things as well, which I guess leads me to the question of is there really so much fundamental difference in the way women and men participate in a relationship, just that the relationship is missing this passion and this leads to the little things really adding up... (aside from the obvious physiological differences in the human species)
