Svetlana
Poster Girl
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2005
- Posts
- 3,419
- Location
- Seattle, USA
- Society
- The Jaded Crown
- Avatar Name
- Ragnarok Svetlana Valhalla
Silly Jokes + Crazy Quotes
- Thread starter ultimababe
- Start date
ultimababe
Elite
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2005
- Posts
- 4,276
- Location
- Bedfordshire
- Society
- Peaceful Torture
- Avatar Name
- ?????????????
Wolf said:
I got 10
I R teh braineh l4ss
Store Wars
For those of you that like Star Wars and Organic food.
http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html
Quite funny and really well done.
For those of you that like Star Wars and Organic food.
http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html
Quite funny and really well done.
Dash Smashing
Citizen
- Joined
- Jan 30, 2005
- Posts
- 1,573
- Location
- Toronto, Ontario, Canada
- Society
- Origin Of Symmetry
[br]Click to enlarge[/br]
Striker Nabi
Alpha
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2005
- Posts
- 500
- Location
- Ontario, Canada
- Society
- Freelancer
Here's one that made me laugh and some people can relate to 
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date !!!! drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date !!!! drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
Wolf
Prowler
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2005
- Posts
- 1,081
- Location
- Buffalo, New York
- Society
- The PACK
- Avatar Name
- Tyr 'Wolf' Fenris
I think we need a good laugh....
...but, I've got nothing....except this.
http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf
I didn't find this btw...Dogg did. I just hijacked it cause he's too shy to post...lol.
...but, I've got nothing....except this.
http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf
I didn't find this btw...Dogg did. I just hijacked it cause he's too shy to post...lol.
Last edited:
V
ViagraFalls
Guest
There's a monastary where monks are carrying out the tedious task of manually copying old scrolls and texts. A new young monk walks up to the aboot and tells him was thinking about some of it all, and came up with a potential flaw. What if, over all those years, one of the monks made an error while copying? And since the monks were copying off of copies, that mistake would be published everywhere?
The abbot strokes the long beard on his chin and agrees that potentially, yes, the scenario is plausible. He suggests he runs down to the ancient dungeons where the original manuscripts are kept, so they can be compared.
After two hours, no sign yet of the abbot, so the young monk decides to venture down the catacombs and look for him. When approaching the library dungeon, he can hear a soft thumping sound. As he rounds the corner, he is surprised to see the aboot bashing his head into the wall.
"Oh most wisest of monks, what troubles thee?" the young monk asks. The abbot looks at him with sad eyes and bashes his bloodied head into the wall again: "IT SAYS CELEBRATE".
The abbot strokes the long beard on his chin and agrees that potentially, yes, the scenario is plausible. He suggests he runs down to the ancient dungeons where the original manuscripts are kept, so they can be compared.
After two hours, no sign yet of the abbot, so the young monk decides to venture down the catacombs and look for him. When approaching the library dungeon, he can hear a soft thumping sound. As he rounds the corner, he is surprised to see the aboot bashing his head into the wall.
"Oh most wisest of monks, what troubles thee?" the young monk asks. The abbot looks at him with sad eyes and bashes his bloodied head into the wall again: "IT SAYS CELEBRATE".
ultimababe
Elite
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2005
- Posts
- 4,276
- Location
- Bedfordshire
- Society
- Peaceful Torture
- Avatar Name
- ?????????????
Retired Man Passes The Time
Working people frequently ask retired me what I do to make my days interesting. Well, the other day I went into town to a shop in the High street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a copper writing out a parking ticket. I said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres. So I called him a piece of dog dirt. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more he wrote. I didn't care, I' come by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.
Working people frequently ask retired me what I do to make my days interesting. Well, the other day I went into town to a shop in the High street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a copper writing out a parking ticket. I said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres. So I called him a piece of dog dirt. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more he wrote. I didn't care, I' come by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.
K
Kerham
Guest
Forbidden to minors
A gay goes to Heaven. Saint Peter, somehow reluctant to let pass such individuals, tells him: "Listen up dude, you got some sexual habits which we don't tolerate here. Given the fact you were a very kind person while living, we will let you here, BUT, if you try anything on some male around, here, than we will have to expell u to hell".
Minutes later, the newly enetered, stumbles upon a bent archangel and do the thingie. He is expelled to hell, and he is escorted by an angel. They arrive in hell, everywhere is heat, huge fires and all. The angel tells the man: "you will stay here 3 month. if you stand aside from ur habits, u will be allowed back to heaven".
3 month after, the angel comes back in hell to check the man's conduite. When he arrives there, all the hell is cold, no fire under cauldrons, no nothing. He stumbles upon a devil, frightened and cold, with a terrible flue, in a corner. "hey, what are you doing here? where are all the fires? and where is that convicted one, i want to check his conduite?".
the devil: "you know what, dude? u try to bend down to light the fire with that happy man around, ok?"
A gay goes to Heaven. Saint Peter, somehow reluctant to let pass such individuals, tells him: "Listen up dude, you got some sexual habits which we don't tolerate here. Given the fact you were a very kind person while living, we will let you here, BUT, if you try anything on some male around, here, than we will have to expell u to hell".
Minutes later, the newly enetered, stumbles upon a bent archangel and do the thingie. He is expelled to hell, and he is escorted by an angel. They arrive in hell, everywhere is heat, huge fires and all. The angel tells the man: "you will stay here 3 month. if you stand aside from ur habits, u will be allowed back to heaven".
3 month after, the angel comes back in hell to check the man's conduite. When he arrives there, all the hell is cold, no fire under cauldrons, no nothing. He stumbles upon a devil, frightened and cold, with a terrible flue, in a corner. "hey, what are you doing here? where are all the fires? and where is that convicted one, i want to check his conduite?".
the devil: "you know what, dude? u try to bend down to light the fire with that happy man around, ok?"
ultimababe
Elite
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2005
- Posts
- 4,276
- Location
- Bedfordshire
- Society
- Peaceful Torture
- Avatar Name
- ?????????????
VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Company Policy: Effective from January 2006
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Company Policy: Effective from January 2006
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
ultimababe
Elite
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2005
- Posts
- 4,276
- Location
- Bedfordshire
- Society
- Peaceful Torture
- Avatar Name
- ?????????????
Seven Dwarves go to Rome. (18+ Warning.. language)
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Holy Father.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting,
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Holy Father.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting,
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"
ultimababe
Elite
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2005
- Posts
- 4,276
- Location
- Bedfordshire
- Society
- Peaceful Torture
- Avatar Name
- ?????????????
Tests. (18+ Warning.. language)
Private schools vs. State Schools
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensive schools in Britain. The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.
Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.
Private schools vs. State Schools
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensive schools in Britain. The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.
Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.
MATHS TEST FOR STATE SCHOOLS
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Damon pimps 3 b**ches. If the price is £40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's £500 a day coke habit?
3. Crackhead wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?
4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If hiscommon law wife spends £33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?
6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds
to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Damon pimps 3 b**ches. If the price is £40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's £500 a day coke habit?
3. Crackhead wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?
4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If hiscommon law wife spends £33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?
6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds
to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?
MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)
School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________
1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?
2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutantes, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?
4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?
Name________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)
School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________
1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?
2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutantes, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?
4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?
raven69
Alpha
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2005
- Posts
- 529
- Location
- Ketchikan, Alaska
- Society
- cB crimson blades
- Avatar Name
- harry RAVEN jackson
lmao i had one friend do one crazy thing in the elavator
it started out he left his cousins place in a apartment building and a guy got on the elavator at the 8th floor and my friend let one rip really load and then said
"Uh Oh i think a nugget came out on that one"
and there was a long pause and then he asked the Guy
"will you check my pants and see if there is anything in there and if it stinks?"
and the guy looked at him funny and wanted to get out of the elavator cause i guess it really stank.
when they got to the first floor the guy went running out of the elavator and my friend went running after him yelling
"i thought we were friends why wont you do that for me?'
and he had his pants half way down also while running out of the elavator
i thought tha twas pretty funny i was just laughing my ass off when i seen that out in the street almost didnt want to say he was my friend lol
it started out he left his cousins place in a apartment building and a guy got on the elavator at the 8th floor and my friend let one rip really load and then said
"Uh Oh i think a nugget came out on that one"
and there was a long pause and then he asked the Guy
"will you check my pants and see if there is anything in there and if it stinks?"
and the guy looked at him funny and wanted to get out of the elavator cause i guess it really stank.
when they got to the first floor the guy went running out of the elavator and my friend went running after him yelling
"i thought we were friends why wont you do that for me?'
and he had his pants half way down also while running out of the elavator
i thought tha twas pretty funny i was just laughing my ass off when i seen that out in the street almost didnt want to say he was my friend lol 
SIBUK
Alpha
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2005
- Posts
- 586
- Location
- Bolton, England
- Society
- Coat Killers
- Avatar Name
- Mr Cyborg SIBUK Commando
Best joke ever...
President Bush is sat in his office when suddenly the defence secretary bursts into the room.... 'Mr. President..' he says, 'We just got word that three brazilian men got killed in iraq'. Bush hears the words and he puts his head in his hands and starts to cry.. 'Oh my god!, ohhh my god!!, ohhh nooo dear god!!! ' he crys... the defence secretary says to him 'But Mr. President, Ive never seen you so upset about such a thing before, what is wrong??' and Bush says 'How many is a brazilion??!?'
President Bush is sat in his office when suddenly the defence secretary bursts into the room.... 'Mr. President..' he says, 'We just got word that three brazilian men got killed in iraq'. Bush hears the words and he puts his head in his hands and starts to cry.. 'Oh my god!, ohhh my god!!, ohhh nooo dear god!!! ' he crys... the defence secretary says to him 'But Mr. President, Ive never seen you so upset about such a thing before, what is wrong??' and Bush says 'How many is a brazilion??!?'
Geek joke...
How to shoot yourself in the foot? (Which language is right for you...)
Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.
BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.
BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.
dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets.
Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was anticipated.
Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.
Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.
How to shoot yourself in the foot? (Which language is right for you...)
Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.
BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.
BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.
dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets.
Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was anticipated.
Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.
Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.
Does that mean Im normal? 
Tigerman
Edward Lorenz
- Joined
- May 19, 2005
- Posts
- 2,813
- Society
- Imperial Dreams
Now thats kinda shooting yourself in the foot?
This, is not a joke, but an actual event which is really what make it fun.
There was a big bank robbery in norway and as part of solving the crime, the cops made a deal with a dodgy finance guy to help them solve it.
As smart as he was, he recorded everything he did and said himself, in addition to the police doing it.
The result of the operation was that the "snitch" was exposed buy the robbers and a torpedo shot him in the foot.
When he then feels that everything has gone to far and that the cops seem not to honor their part of the deal, he calls them.
He says he has everything on tape and that if they dont honor their deal, he will go to the media and make hell for the cops.
The cop on the other end then responds "Well, that is kinda like shooting yourself in the foot, isnt it?"
The line then goes quiet, before the "snitch" says "Well, actually I have BEEN shoot in the foot".
The copper then goes "Uh, hehehehe. That might not have been the best example, haha".
This conversation was also taped and played on the news..
This, is not a joke, but an actual event which is really what make it fun.
There was a big bank robbery in norway and as part of solving the crime, the cops made a deal with a dodgy finance guy to help them solve it.
As smart as he was, he recorded everything he did and said himself, in addition to the police doing it.
The result of the operation was that the "snitch" was exposed buy the robbers and a torpedo shot him in the foot.
When he then feels that everything has gone to far and that the cops seem not to honor their part of the deal, he calls them.
He says he has everything on tape and that if they dont honor their deal, he will go to the media and make hell for the cops.
The cop on the other end then responds "Well, that is kinda like shooting yourself in the foot, isnt it?"
The line then goes quiet, before the "snitch" says "Well, actually I have BEEN shoot in the foot".
The copper then goes "Uh, hehehehe. That might not have been the best example, haha".
This conversation was also taped and played on the news..
This is old but since it's so Fridayish...
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
ultimababe
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Chinese Proverbs: Revised
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.
Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts. [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.
Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts. [/font]
ultimababe
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Returning home late...
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted." [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted." [/font]
ultimababe
Elite
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- Feb 28, 2005
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- Bedfordshire
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- Avatar Name
- ?????????????
Signs of an affair by computer..
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer:
1. Lately they sit at the computer naked.
2. After signing off, they always have a cigarette.
3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
5. They've gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
6. They makes sarcastic remarks about your 'software'.
7. Lipstick on the mouse.
8. During sex they scream 'A-colon backslash enter insert!'
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
10.The fax file is filled with pictures of someone else's behind [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer:
1. Lately they sit at the computer naked.
2. After signing off, they always have a cigarette.
3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
5. They've gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
6. They makes sarcastic remarks about your 'software'.
7. Lipstick on the mouse.
8. During sex they scream 'A-colon backslash enter insert!'
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
10.The fax file is filled with pictures of someone else's behind [/font]
ultimababe
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Blonde's Revenge
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. [/font]
ultimababe
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probably because they taste funny 