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Silly Jokes + Crazy Quotes

yep.. hehe

btw ult i like your jokes..

i got another one

A man walks into a resturant and says "Waiter waiter, theres a fly in my soup" and the waiter replies "Dont worry sir, the spider on the roll will get him"

HAHAHA
 
This link is for you who heard the myth that we swedes are shy and not very outgoing. I think that myth is wrong. This is an example of how layed back a swedish news broadcast can be.

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/anchorfart.html

The women says:

- Now its over for this week, but you see us on monday again. Bye bye!
*natural sound here*
- Oh no! Oh God, what have I been eating. Lord Jesus, UFF.

I love the part where she kind of shakes the whole thing off afterwards :laugh:

p.s. Maybe im sick but she is so qute when embarassed. I would die and not be able to laugh in that situation :love:
 
Lord of the Tings

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]
 
Pregnancy Q&A

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy
 
..........................
 
For those who said i was racist read it said sorry fi anyone is offended i jsut thought its funny. A mexican friend actually told me taht joke and we both laughed at it, i have nothing against any race dont see the problem of posting a joke taht made me laugh alot. and thansk for bad repping me on other threads jsut for that.. sometimes u just dotn have to take everythign so seriously and think everything/everyone is trying to make fun of another race.
 
Sorry I didn't read the entire thread so there may be some repeats. This is my list. My stable of sure fires. Prepare to groan

1.How many horses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-2, but they have to be really tiny horses

2. how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- 1, but the lightbulb really has to want to change

3. what do you get when you mix a dyslexic with an insomniac and a philosopher?
- A guy who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog
 
Money isn't everything!
It can buy you a bed, but not sleep
It can buy you a clock, but not time
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge
It can buy you a position, but not respect
It can buy you medicine, but not health
It can buy you blood, but not life
It can buy you sex, but not love

So you see; money isn't everything. It often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you this because I am your friend. And as your friend, I want to ease your pain and suffering....So give me all your peds and I will suffer for you!!:saint:
 
(im the biggest fan of corny jokes) why couldnt the pirate get into the movies?

Becasue it was rated ARRRRRRR!!!!! :eek:
 
more of a riddle than a joke but...

what weighs more a pound of gold or a pound of feathers?

give up?

the pound of feathers, gold is measured by the troy system which has a 12oz lb as apposed to feathers of the good old 16oz lb.
 
just a little joke

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
 
sob said:
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
Click to expand...

haha my god that deserves a star
 
US made barometar
 
- man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The
bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a
beat,
says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry,
here,
the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the
door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops
him
and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye
dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks
for a
drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"The second man
replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so.
They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-
second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
 
First post and 11 videos to break the ice...

As the title says 11 hilarious and shocking videos I've gathered from the last week. Enjoy or be shocked... and give me a warm welcome ;) Hilarious vids >> Webcam singing goes wrong - The wedding slapper dance - Wedding couple runs into door - Check out my new scooter - LSD Jumping - Mama mama I'm an Idiot! Shocking vids >> Bloody skate crash - Woman attacked by Bull Rollercoaster accident - 5 car crashes in 55 seconds -Granny gets run over by her own car
 
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
 
Why wasnt Jesus born in Ireland?
Because they couldnt find three wise men or a virgin.
 
Two muffins are in an oven when one muffin looks at the other and says
"Man it is hot in here."
The other muffin says "Holy shit a talking muffin !"



I love stupid jokes, the stupider they are the funnier this one never ceases to crack me up when someone tells it right. I would call my sense of humor strange. :D
 
One of those days when

You've blown 200 - 300ped hunting and no global, let alone a hof..

Mined for hours and only found some tiny lyst...

Been hunting the same mob, in the same area for days and an orange suit shows up and bam gets an ATH with his first shot..

Then this is for you..

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/o-._.-.0.-._.-o/fucktheshit.wmv

Who does the dude in the purple head band remind you of?
 
I know its an urban legend but ...

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =2 pi sqr root (l /g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel Prize for physics.
 
Lockheed Martin Questionnaire

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Lockheed Martin Tactical Aircraft Systems
AIRCRAFT - SPACE SYSTEMS - MISSILES


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First Name____________________ Initial____ Last Name_______________________

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Altitude______________________ Password, Code Name, Etc.___________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

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7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this Lockheed Martin product:

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this one formed in my mind in the bathroom, while brushing teeth, gave it right to my gf


me: what's the difference between my tool for reproduction and the rainforrest?

gf: hm, dunno...

me: none at all, coz both are massive, bushy, and noone knows how long they'll keep standing
 
Funniest entropia quote...

The funniest quote I ever seen in entropia was:

[GOD] I need a mentor!



Sorry 'bout that GOD, no offence ment at all. ;)
And I can fully understand the need of it, for both you (when you were a noob), and for your namesake since the world turned out as it did...


/Pepper
 
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