Jack Daniel's
- Thread starter Faustian
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Lugzan
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Faustian said:BUMP IT UP!
JD in da house!
Yea I'm half toasted, and your point would be?
ever seen a movie called Scent of a Woman ?
J.
Faustian
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Viper81883
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"My tapeworm tells me what to do!"
studley
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Lugzan said:
i have, al pacino, great actor
MudKicker
HERES MUD IN YER EYE!
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Lets get back ontopic shall we!!! 
Friday I went to the bar and drank Jack `n Cokes with a shots of Jack chasers for about 2 hrs, needless to say, had to go back when I woke up to have mores!!!.....after I located my pants, that is.....
Friday I went to the bar and drank Jack `n Cokes with a shots of Jack chasers for about 2 hrs, needless to say, had to go back when I woke up to have mores!!!.....after I located my pants, that is.....
MudKicker
HERES MUD IN YER EYE!
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Faustian said:I didn't have a single drop to drink last night and I feel like shit
Hmmm...Kk...Lets analyze this real quick....*DIDNT* drink=feels like shit...as to *DID* drink=feels like shit....May as well have drank.....
Faustian
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A man is, ultimately, the sum of his accomplishments.
A man is, ultimately, the sum of his accomplishments.
Each culture, of course, has a different idea as to what rates as an accomplishment. Muslims, for example, put a tremendous amount of stock into making a pilgrimage to Mecca, while generations of Frenchmen have taken great pride in not tripping over their discarded rifles while fleeing the Germans.
The subculture of avid drinkers, living as we do by our own set of rules and priorities, has an entirely different idea altogether, to the degree that our notion of a goal worth achieving may well appear bad behavior or even a criminal offense to the parent culture.
I think it a sad sign of the times that, in this age of entrenched nannyism and political correctness, a person is more likely to be judged by what he refrained from doing than what he actually did. It’s no longer important that you climbed the mountain, but rather how many boulders you didn't “accidentally” dislodge and let roll down on the less daring hunkered in the valley below.
Fortunately, imbibers have historically been immune to popular opinion, so hence this list. If you manage all forty before you take a barstool at St. Gabriel’s Pearly Gate Lounge, you may feel secure in the fact that you’ve lived a rich and full life, even if only the boys and girls down at happy hour think so. And when you do belly up to that big open bar in the sky and the bartender asks: “What sort of life did you lead?” you can look him right in the eye and say, “Gabe, baby, I’m glad this is eternity, because I’ve got a helluva lot of stories to tell.”
1.) Open and close a bar. ♠
Find one that opens its doors before noon. Stake out a comfortable seat and hunker down. Resist informing the bartender of your tremendous plan, as this will cause him to pour waves of pre-celebratory shots and you won’t survive happy hour. Pacing is everything. Watch the crowds come and go, watch bartenders rise, reign and fade while you remain like a cagey Methuselah. From that day forward, within the walls of that bar at least, your name will be legend.
2.) Go on a bender. ♠
I don’t mean a weekend binge. I’m talking a full-bore, hooch-bent, screw-work hoolihan. Dangerous, yes, but so is getting out of bed in the morning. True benders have gone the way of the snap brim fedora, which makes them all the greater currency in the world of drunks. It won’t be easy. You must start drinking the moment you wake up and carry on until you go under. Then start over again. In your grandfather’s day you had to drink two weeks straight before you could officially declare yourself on a proper jag, but that’s when a mug of beer cost a nickel. These days four straight days and nights will give you all the bragging rights you need.
3.) Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.
For some this is a typical evening, the rest will have to try harder. Unplug the phone, don’t answer the door and get down with your bad self. Stock up on ice, gather mixers if you need them, crack the seal and, inch by inch, take that proud bottle down. Take your own sweet time. Near the bottom you will discover a rich inner landscape you thought a barren desert. Explore it.
4.) Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd. ♠
Cast aside your fear of public opinion, march to the center of the room’s attention and boogie down. You don’t need a partner, you don’t even need music, do a happy jig to the beat of your own drum. Of course, it helps to be really really drunk.
5.) Spend a night in the drunk tank. ♠
While getting captured by the Man goes against the most primal of drunkard instincts, if you’re putting your time and liquor in, it’s going to happen. Make the most of the experience. Pretend you’re Cool Hand Luke. And don’t refrain from telling your friends: Among drunks, the real ones anyway, a night in the tank is a very large feather in the drinking cap.
6.) Get drunk on the grave of your hero.
Wait until the cemetery closes for the night, then slip over the fence with a bottle of something strong. Prop your back against the gravestone and tell your hero how much he inspired you, how he changed your life, revel in the fact that your inspiration is only six feet of hard-packed earth away. It’ll be the greatest one-sided conversation you’ll ever have. Then pass out. Let the groundskeeper be your alarm clock.
7.) Buy a crowded bar a round.
For no reason at all. Jump up on a barstool and shout it loud: “A round for the house! On me!” Make sure you have a good toast ready, because, for once, they’ll all be listening.
8.) Embark on an impromptu road trip. ♠
Out of the blue, propose a trip to Las Vegas, New Orleans, Jack Kerouac’s grave or, for the love of God, the Two-Headed Cattle Museum. It doesn’t really matter where, the joy is in the journey. There’s nothing like a sudden burst of irresponsible freedom to shake up your worldview. It will be an adventure you’ll never forget or get tired of talking about.
9.) Get 86’d from a bar. ♠
There are generally two types of drunkards in the world: Those that get 86’d a lot and those who never do. If you’re the latter, you’re missing out on a very special feeling. A man with any character at all must have enemies and places he is not welcome—in the end we are not only defined by our friends, but also those aligned against us. So choose the type of bar you loathe. Get remorselessly smashed on tequila. Let your lizard brain do your talking. Splash the kerosene, drop the match and watch the bridge burn. Few sentences in the English language bespeak a mysterious dark side than: “I’m not allowed in there. And, quite frankly, I don’t blame them.”
10.) Extravagantly overtip a bartender.
The next time a bartender is especially kind or proficient, lay a massive tip on her. I mean, massive. You must be relatively sober or they’ll discount the act as drunken foolishness. Say something smooth like, “You’re the best of your kind,” drop the bomb, and—this is important—walk out of the bar without another word. With this single act of unexpected generosity, you will restore a bartender’s faith in humanity and give your own self-image a healthy boost.
11.) Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink. ♠
You always wanted to do it. You’ve enviously watched your smooth friends do it. Now it’s your turn. The fear is nowhere proportionate to the risk to your ego (she’s out of your league, remember?), yet it still requires a certain amount of courage. It’s akin to sticking your hand down into the garbage disposal. The thing isn’t going to turn on by itself, but still...
12.) Conspire an afterhours at your favorite bar. ♠
I’m not talking about them letting you have a quick one in the back while they’re cleaning up. I’m talking about drinking until the sun creeps through the shut blinds. It takes a lot of time and tips to earn the privilege, but there’s nothing quite like it.
13.) Make your best friend a perfect martini.
I mean perfect. Employ the proper utensils and the highest-end liquor you can afford. Follow an old-school recipe and take your time. You know how a handmade present from a child always warms the heart of a parent more than the most expensive gift? Same deal. Just a little something for all the times your pal bailed you out. And after your friend has enjoyed your sublime creation, make yourself one, you magnificent bastard.
14.) Buy, build or steal a home bar. ♠
Put the well right in your home. Outfit it with many sparkling bottles, accruement and tools. Sit on your barstool with a grossly over-poured cocktail and think: “This is my bar. No one can cut me off, no one can kick me out, none but the floor can announce last call.” You’ve been a sharecropper long enough. Get your own plot of land.
15.) Get carried home by your drinking buddies. ♠
In the company of friends you can trust, get fantastically loaded to the point you cannot stand, nevermind walk. Let them brace you from both sides and carry you homeward. Sing like an Irish uncle. Swear love and fealty to your human crutches. These are the bonds that never break.
16.) Get drunk with your father. ♠
Getting loaded with the man who brought you into this world is one of the most deeply mystical experiences a human being can manage. If you can’t get your father to commit, find an elder you respect.
17.) Fight a good fight. ♠
Samuel Johnson said “Every man thinks meanly of himself for not having been a soldier, or not having been at sea.” Men who go to their graves without ever getting into a fistfight undoubtedly feel the same way. How many times have you gone home thinking, “Damn, I should have clocked that asshole.” Next time, do it. Swing first, swing hard, and make sure you’re in the right. You may not win, but at least you were in there swinging. Fear of losing a fight never stopped Bukowski and neither should it stop you.
18.) Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.
Make a pilgrimage to the headwaters. Follow the river that’s fed you joy to its source. Stand amongst the vats and barrels and absorb the knowledge that this is the spring from which the good times flow. Drink as many free samples as they’ll give you. It might mean a trip to Dublin or Tennessee, but from that moment on you can gaze into your glass and think, “Lad, I met your mother.”
19.) Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle. ♠
You’ve spent plenty of time railing against the dying of the light, this time welcome its birth. With a shot.
20.) Sit in on an A.A. meeting. ♠
Not all accomplishments are rum and games. File this under the heading of facing your fears. Just as Jonah found enlightenment in the belly of a beast, so will you. You may come to look at it as a sober examination of the safety net (or trampoline, as the case may be). You may view it as a cautionary trip to hell. Either way, you’ll never have to wonder again.
21.) Hit a dozen bars in one night. ♠
Make like Marco Polo. Instead of eating one lousy apple, take a bite out of a dozen exotic fruits. Chase the ever elusive good time. A rolling stone gathers no bar tabs.
22.) Try at least one hundred different drinks. ♠
Too often we drunks get trapped in a rut, forgetting there is a wide and golden world of forgotten cocktails, strangely-hued beers, mysterious liquors and wines from places we cannot pronounce. Explore the world from your barstool. One need only thumb through a bartender’s guide to realize how wide that world is. And when you return to your rut, and you probably will, you’ll appreciate just how good home can be after months on the road.
23.) Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.
An effortless task for Europeans, a broad leap of faith for we colonials. Return to the land from whence your blood sprang, sit down to drinks with those your bold forefathers left behind. And for godsakes, don’t order a Bud.
24.) Juice on the job. ♠
You will never comprehend just how pleasurable the workaday grind can be until you bring your old chum alcohol along. You don’t have to get boss-punching drunk, just sneak enough to loosen up that tight harness. It’ll make you wish you worked for a drinking magazine.
25.) Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.
Do it up like F. Scott and Zelda before they went crazy. Realize that this is one of the precious few times you can get swizzled in front of your better half and she’ll think it’s wonderfully romantic.
26.) Give a hobo twenty bucks. ♠
Make him promise he’s going to spend it on hooch. It won’t be a hard sell. Twenty bucks is the price of a crappy shirt to you, to our alley brethren it’s a gift from the gods.
27.) Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.
It could go down at the company picnic, the Christmas party, or maybe, if you’re really going after Accomplishment #24, right at the office. It’s tremendously cathartic. Years of stress and bitterness will drop from your shoulders and for the first time, after you’re done unloading, you will see your employer as an actual human being. You may very well get fired, but hey, if you’re angry enough to go berserk on your boss, you need to get a new job anyway.
28.) Send a friend a bottle of good liquor. ♠
Apropos of nothing and don’t tell him it’s coming. Attach a card reading: “Tonight the drinks are on me.” He will never forget it. There is no better feeling than unexpected free booze.
29.) Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.
A bar must own a certain amount of character to carry the big jar. Maybe you’ve seen one. A jar large enough to hold Jay Leno’s head, populated with slightly off-color eggs floating in a murky fluid. You always wondered what they tasted like and it’s time to find out.
30.) Go on a fishing trip with your pals. ♠
Ensure you bring enough beer and liquor to paralyze the nation of Liechtenstein. Fishing tackle is optional. Drink near a body of water (you don’t actually have to come in contact or even see the water, but it should be nearby), then, when night falls, build a huge campfire. There is nothing more conducive to male bonding and rampant drinking than a campfire. Trust me, strip clubs come in a distant second.
31.) Eat the worm.
It’s a cliche, but so are strippers at a bachelor party. It must be done. The last thing you want to do is mutter a half-hearted lie to your grand kids when they squeal, “Gramps, did you eat the worm?”
32.) Learn at least one traditional drinking song. ♠
Ethnically fractured and mixed as we are, we colonials have lost the art of the booze ballad. Watch a European football match on television and first thing you notice is the fans know one hell of a lot of songs. All we Yanks can manage is the “Na-na-na” song and chants of “De-fense!” Sure, we all know the words of Ring of Fire by rote, but what of The Pub with No Beer, My Lip Is on the Cup, and Drunk Last Night, Drunk the Night Before? Also, there’s nothing like a table of drunks bellowing an unidentifiable song in unison to scare the bejesus out of the bar staff.
33.) Steal some booze. ♠
Against the law? Sure. A hell of a rush? Absolutely. Of course, not getting caught is very important. Plan well. Nothing tastes quite so sweet.
34.) Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.
So much money for so little booze. We’ve spent our lives learning the art of getting the most stagger out of the smallest investment. We’ve heard rumors of those insanely expensive bottles, but they might as well sell them on Mars. Out of spite, you’ve probably told yourself: “Screw that—booze is booze. What’s it gonna do, get me five times drunker?” In a better world, maybe. Depending upon the sensitivity of your palette, however, you may come to understand that the rich really do have it better than us. And when I say better, I mean they can afford better booze.
35.) Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story. ♠
You don’t have to finish it. Very few do. The point is, the very act of starting an autobiography means you think you’ve lived an exciting enough life to deserve one. Strive for that day.
36.) Try absinthe.
Do the full ritual with the spoon and sugar. Drink enough to feel the full effect. Stroll the path that Hemingway, Van Gogh, Degas, F. Scott, and myriad other geniuses spent their lives pounding flat. Just don’t cut your ear off.
37.) Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends.
Without a doubt the finest drinking movie ever put to celluloid. Make sure there’s plenty of booze on hand because you’ll want to drink along.
38.) Work at least a week as a bartender. ♠
You’ll never fully understand the drinking culture as a whole until you’ve spent some time on the supply side of the wood. The empathy it will lever into your psyche will change your bar behavior forever.
39.) Make your own beer, wine or moonshine. ♠
There are fewer finer feelings in the world than to nurture booze from it’s humble, evil-tasting origins to something you can get hammered on. Just expect to repeat these words over and over again when you go mad on the blood of your creation: “I made this! Me! And now I’m drinking it! Woo-hoo!”
40.) Go to your place of worship loaded.
Not so loaded they’ll finger you as a walking incarnation of Demon Rum, just enough to make the droning sermons lip-bitingly hilarious. It’s often said that liquor can bring you closer to God, so just think how close you’ll be when you’re hammered in his house.
A man is, ultimately, the sum of his accomplishments.
Each culture, of course, has a different idea as to what rates as an accomplishment. Muslims, for example, put a tremendous amount of stock into making a pilgrimage to Mecca, while generations of Frenchmen have taken great pride in not tripping over their discarded rifles while fleeing the Germans.
The subculture of avid drinkers, living as we do by our own set of rules and priorities, has an entirely different idea altogether, to the degree that our notion of a goal worth achieving may well appear bad behavior or even a criminal offense to the parent culture.
I think it a sad sign of the times that, in this age of entrenched nannyism and political correctness, a person is more likely to be judged by what he refrained from doing than what he actually did. It’s no longer important that you climbed the mountain, but rather how many boulders you didn't “accidentally” dislodge and let roll down on the less daring hunkered in the valley below.
Fortunately, imbibers have historically been immune to popular opinion, so hence this list. If you manage all forty before you take a barstool at St. Gabriel’s Pearly Gate Lounge, you may feel secure in the fact that you’ve lived a rich and full life, even if only the boys and girls down at happy hour think so. And when you do belly up to that big open bar in the sky and the bartender asks: “What sort of life did you lead?” you can look him right in the eye and say, “Gabe, baby, I’m glad this is eternity, because I’ve got a helluva lot of stories to tell.”
1.) Open and close a bar. ♠
Find one that opens its doors before noon. Stake out a comfortable seat and hunker down. Resist informing the bartender of your tremendous plan, as this will cause him to pour waves of pre-celebratory shots and you won’t survive happy hour. Pacing is everything. Watch the crowds come and go, watch bartenders rise, reign and fade while you remain like a cagey Methuselah. From that day forward, within the walls of that bar at least, your name will be legend.
2.) Go on a bender. ♠
I don’t mean a weekend binge. I’m talking a full-bore, hooch-bent, screw-work hoolihan. Dangerous, yes, but so is getting out of bed in the morning. True benders have gone the way of the snap brim fedora, which makes them all the greater currency in the world of drunks. It won’t be easy. You must start drinking the moment you wake up and carry on until you go under. Then start over again. In your grandfather’s day you had to drink two weeks straight before you could officially declare yourself on a proper jag, but that’s when a mug of beer cost a nickel. These days four straight days and nights will give you all the bragging rights you need.
3.) Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.
For some this is a typical evening, the rest will have to try harder. Unplug the phone, don’t answer the door and get down with your bad self. Stock up on ice, gather mixers if you need them, crack the seal and, inch by inch, take that proud bottle down. Take your own sweet time. Near the bottom you will discover a rich inner landscape you thought a barren desert. Explore it.
4.) Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd. ♠
Cast aside your fear of public opinion, march to the center of the room’s attention and boogie down. You don’t need a partner, you don’t even need music, do a happy jig to the beat of your own drum. Of course, it helps to be really really drunk.
5.) Spend a night in the drunk tank. ♠
While getting captured by the Man goes against the most primal of drunkard instincts, if you’re putting your time and liquor in, it’s going to happen. Make the most of the experience. Pretend you’re Cool Hand Luke. And don’t refrain from telling your friends: Among drunks, the real ones anyway, a night in the tank is a very large feather in the drinking cap.
6.) Get drunk on the grave of your hero.
Wait until the cemetery closes for the night, then slip over the fence with a bottle of something strong. Prop your back against the gravestone and tell your hero how much he inspired you, how he changed your life, revel in the fact that your inspiration is only six feet of hard-packed earth away. It’ll be the greatest one-sided conversation you’ll ever have. Then pass out. Let the groundskeeper be your alarm clock.
7.) Buy a crowded bar a round.
For no reason at all. Jump up on a barstool and shout it loud: “A round for the house! On me!” Make sure you have a good toast ready, because, for once, they’ll all be listening.
8.) Embark on an impromptu road trip. ♠
Out of the blue, propose a trip to Las Vegas, New Orleans, Jack Kerouac’s grave or, for the love of God, the Two-Headed Cattle Museum. It doesn’t really matter where, the joy is in the journey. There’s nothing like a sudden burst of irresponsible freedom to shake up your worldview. It will be an adventure you’ll never forget or get tired of talking about.
9.) Get 86’d from a bar. ♠
There are generally two types of drunkards in the world: Those that get 86’d a lot and those who never do. If you’re the latter, you’re missing out on a very special feeling. A man with any character at all must have enemies and places he is not welcome—in the end we are not only defined by our friends, but also those aligned against us. So choose the type of bar you loathe. Get remorselessly smashed on tequila. Let your lizard brain do your talking. Splash the kerosene, drop the match and watch the bridge burn. Few sentences in the English language bespeak a mysterious dark side than: “I’m not allowed in there. And, quite frankly, I don’t blame them.”
10.) Extravagantly overtip a bartender.
The next time a bartender is especially kind or proficient, lay a massive tip on her. I mean, massive. You must be relatively sober or they’ll discount the act as drunken foolishness. Say something smooth like, “You’re the best of your kind,” drop the bomb, and—this is important—walk out of the bar without another word. With this single act of unexpected generosity, you will restore a bartender’s faith in humanity and give your own self-image a healthy boost.
11.) Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink. ♠
You always wanted to do it. You’ve enviously watched your smooth friends do it. Now it’s your turn. The fear is nowhere proportionate to the risk to your ego (she’s out of your league, remember?), yet it still requires a certain amount of courage. It’s akin to sticking your hand down into the garbage disposal. The thing isn’t going to turn on by itself, but still...
12.) Conspire an afterhours at your favorite bar. ♠
I’m not talking about them letting you have a quick one in the back while they’re cleaning up. I’m talking about drinking until the sun creeps through the shut blinds. It takes a lot of time and tips to earn the privilege, but there’s nothing quite like it.
13.) Make your best friend a perfect martini.
I mean perfect. Employ the proper utensils and the highest-end liquor you can afford. Follow an old-school recipe and take your time. You know how a handmade present from a child always warms the heart of a parent more than the most expensive gift? Same deal. Just a little something for all the times your pal bailed you out. And after your friend has enjoyed your sublime creation, make yourself one, you magnificent bastard.
14.) Buy, build or steal a home bar. ♠
Put the well right in your home. Outfit it with many sparkling bottles, accruement and tools. Sit on your barstool with a grossly over-poured cocktail and think: “This is my bar. No one can cut me off, no one can kick me out, none but the floor can announce last call.” You’ve been a sharecropper long enough. Get your own plot of land.
15.) Get carried home by your drinking buddies. ♠
In the company of friends you can trust, get fantastically loaded to the point you cannot stand, nevermind walk. Let them brace you from both sides and carry you homeward. Sing like an Irish uncle. Swear love and fealty to your human crutches. These are the bonds that never break.
16.) Get drunk with your father. ♠
Getting loaded with the man who brought you into this world is one of the most deeply mystical experiences a human being can manage. If you can’t get your father to commit, find an elder you respect.
17.) Fight a good fight. ♠
Samuel Johnson said “Every man thinks meanly of himself for not having been a soldier, or not having been at sea.” Men who go to their graves without ever getting into a fistfight undoubtedly feel the same way. How many times have you gone home thinking, “Damn, I should have clocked that asshole.” Next time, do it. Swing first, swing hard, and make sure you’re in the right. You may not win, but at least you were in there swinging. Fear of losing a fight never stopped Bukowski and neither should it stop you.
18.) Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.
Make a pilgrimage to the headwaters. Follow the river that’s fed you joy to its source. Stand amongst the vats and barrels and absorb the knowledge that this is the spring from which the good times flow. Drink as many free samples as they’ll give you. It might mean a trip to Dublin or Tennessee, but from that moment on you can gaze into your glass and think, “Lad, I met your mother.”
19.) Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle. ♠
You’ve spent plenty of time railing against the dying of the light, this time welcome its birth. With a shot.
20.) Sit in on an A.A. meeting. ♠
Not all accomplishments are rum and games. File this under the heading of facing your fears. Just as Jonah found enlightenment in the belly of a beast, so will you. You may come to look at it as a sober examination of the safety net (or trampoline, as the case may be). You may view it as a cautionary trip to hell. Either way, you’ll never have to wonder again.
21.) Hit a dozen bars in one night. ♠
Make like Marco Polo. Instead of eating one lousy apple, take a bite out of a dozen exotic fruits. Chase the ever elusive good time. A rolling stone gathers no bar tabs.
22.) Try at least one hundred different drinks. ♠
Too often we drunks get trapped in a rut, forgetting there is a wide and golden world of forgotten cocktails, strangely-hued beers, mysterious liquors and wines from places we cannot pronounce. Explore the world from your barstool. One need only thumb through a bartender’s guide to realize how wide that world is. And when you return to your rut, and you probably will, you’ll appreciate just how good home can be after months on the road.
23.) Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.
An effortless task for Europeans, a broad leap of faith for we colonials. Return to the land from whence your blood sprang, sit down to drinks with those your bold forefathers left behind. And for godsakes, don’t order a Bud.
24.) Juice on the job. ♠
You will never comprehend just how pleasurable the workaday grind can be until you bring your old chum alcohol along. You don’t have to get boss-punching drunk, just sneak enough to loosen up that tight harness. It’ll make you wish you worked for a drinking magazine.
25.) Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.
Do it up like F. Scott and Zelda before they went crazy. Realize that this is one of the precious few times you can get swizzled in front of your better half and she’ll think it’s wonderfully romantic.
26.) Give a hobo twenty bucks. ♠
Make him promise he’s going to spend it on hooch. It won’t be a hard sell. Twenty bucks is the price of a crappy shirt to you, to our alley brethren it’s a gift from the gods.
27.) Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.
It could go down at the company picnic, the Christmas party, or maybe, if you’re really going after Accomplishment #24, right at the office. It’s tremendously cathartic. Years of stress and bitterness will drop from your shoulders and for the first time, after you’re done unloading, you will see your employer as an actual human being. You may very well get fired, but hey, if you’re angry enough to go berserk on your boss, you need to get a new job anyway.
28.) Send a friend a bottle of good liquor. ♠
Apropos of nothing and don’t tell him it’s coming. Attach a card reading: “Tonight the drinks are on me.” He will never forget it. There is no better feeling than unexpected free booze.
29.) Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.
A bar must own a certain amount of character to carry the big jar. Maybe you’ve seen one. A jar large enough to hold Jay Leno’s head, populated with slightly off-color eggs floating in a murky fluid. You always wondered what they tasted like and it’s time to find out.
30.) Go on a fishing trip with your pals. ♠
Ensure you bring enough beer and liquor to paralyze the nation of Liechtenstein. Fishing tackle is optional. Drink near a body of water (you don’t actually have to come in contact or even see the water, but it should be nearby), then, when night falls, build a huge campfire. There is nothing more conducive to male bonding and rampant drinking than a campfire. Trust me, strip clubs come in a distant second.
31.) Eat the worm.
It’s a cliche, but so are strippers at a bachelor party. It must be done. The last thing you want to do is mutter a half-hearted lie to your grand kids when they squeal, “Gramps, did you eat the worm?”
32.) Learn at least one traditional drinking song. ♠
Ethnically fractured and mixed as we are, we colonials have lost the art of the booze ballad. Watch a European football match on television and first thing you notice is the fans know one hell of a lot of songs. All we Yanks can manage is the “Na-na-na” song and chants of “De-fense!” Sure, we all know the words of Ring of Fire by rote, but what of The Pub with No Beer, My Lip Is on the Cup, and Drunk Last Night, Drunk the Night Before? Also, there’s nothing like a table of drunks bellowing an unidentifiable song in unison to scare the bejesus out of the bar staff.
33.) Steal some booze. ♠
Against the law? Sure. A hell of a rush? Absolutely. Of course, not getting caught is very important. Plan well. Nothing tastes quite so sweet.
34.) Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.
So much money for so little booze. We’ve spent our lives learning the art of getting the most stagger out of the smallest investment. We’ve heard rumors of those insanely expensive bottles, but they might as well sell them on Mars. Out of spite, you’ve probably told yourself: “Screw that—booze is booze. What’s it gonna do, get me five times drunker?” In a better world, maybe. Depending upon the sensitivity of your palette, however, you may come to understand that the rich really do have it better than us. And when I say better, I mean they can afford better booze.
35.) Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story. ♠
You don’t have to finish it. Very few do. The point is, the very act of starting an autobiography means you think you’ve lived an exciting enough life to deserve one. Strive for that day.
36.) Try absinthe.
Do the full ritual with the spoon and sugar. Drink enough to feel the full effect. Stroll the path that Hemingway, Van Gogh, Degas, F. Scott, and myriad other geniuses spent their lives pounding flat. Just don’t cut your ear off.
37.) Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends.
Without a doubt the finest drinking movie ever put to celluloid. Make sure there’s plenty of booze on hand because you’ll want to drink along.
38.) Work at least a week as a bartender. ♠
You’ll never fully understand the drinking culture as a whole until you’ve spent some time on the supply side of the wood. The empathy it will lever into your psyche will change your bar behavior forever.
39.) Make your own beer, wine or moonshine. ♠
There are fewer finer feelings in the world than to nurture booze from it’s humble, evil-tasting origins to something you can get hammered on. Just expect to repeat these words over and over again when you go mad on the blood of your creation: “I made this! Me! And now I’m drinking it! Woo-hoo!”
40.) Go to your place of worship loaded.
Not so loaded they’ll finger you as a walking incarnation of Demon Rum, just enough to make the droning sermons lip-bitingly hilarious. It’s often said that liquor can bring you closer to God, so just think how close you’ll be when you’re hammered in his house.
T3h_plonker
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meh bourbon is for pussys who cant handel real whisky
i know jd isn't a real bourbon (but it's close)
irish brands are nicer
also i think suthern comfort is a nicer coctail whisky than JD
i know jd isn't a real bourbon (but it's close)
irish brands are nicer
also i think suthern comfort is a nicer coctail whisky than JD
Faustian
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T3h_plonker said:
I preffer Jack Daniel's Single Barrel. But it's a bit pricey for every day drinking.
It's been years sense I had Southern Comfort, perhaps I'll try it again one day.
And just a little info I found on what makes Bourbon, Bourbon in the US. Hell I didn't even know there was such federal standards
I learned something new today Viper81883
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Faustian said:I preffer Jack Daniel's Single Barrel. But it's a bit pricey for every day drinking.
It's been years sense I had Southern Comfort, perhaps I'll try it again one day.
And just a little info I found on what makes Bourbon, Bourbon in the US. Hell I didn't even know there was such federal standards
wow. i didnt know that either.
Viper81883
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1.)Open and close a bar.-Never had the chance yet.
2.)Go on a bender.i've done 3 days, but i was soberish by noon so i had to start again, not full on bender
3.)Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day. Done this a number of times.
4.)Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.Never done this one. have done it at parties but typically it was a couple of us.
5.)Spend a night in the drunk tank. Been as close as humanly possible without doing it. there is no closer than sitting in the handcuffs in the cruiser and bein smooth lipped enough to explain to the officer that you are not drunk, in public, underage, on a military installation, while smelling like tequila.
we all know there is no hiding of tequila breath. But i was given the gift of gab.
6.)Get drunk on the grave of your hero. Buddy and i were by Kerouac's grave while hammered and decided to go buy a pack of lucky strikes and sit up all night in some hole in the wall greasy spoon diner (kinda in honor of him). I have no idea when or wear it was, just some time during the early summer of '04. lots of chemically induced road trips, several of which we wound up in cemetaries.
7.)Buy a crowded bar a round. We have done this after a pub concert, but we usually did well in tips that night and wanted to show the love to the fans.
8.)Embark on an impromptu road trip.At least 6 a couple of which were simply for going places to get musical inspiration. ended up being great for writing inspiration too.
9.)Get 86’d from a bar.- Done it. my buddy is in jail for the place burning down later that night. he wasnt there.....didnt do it, but is in jail for it. we are fighting that shit right now. He was with us all night abt 10 miles away. But after that i beat the holy fucking shit out of the bartender that testified it was him when he knows damn good and well it wasnt.
10.)Extravagantly overtip a bartender. Did this once. Being underage and at a bar sucks....so when a pretty girl decides to sell me a rum and coke and talk to me......well i had to give her a nice tip. She took good care of my buddies everytime they went to drink and the one time i came too....she did a good job.
11.)Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink. Did this a couple times in Tech school (military upgrade training)
I actually got a couple numbers that way. and these girls were indefinately out of my league by the looks of things.
12.)Conspire an afterhours at your favorite bar. Only done this once. and it wasnt a bar, it was more of a club, but we walked out around 8am
13.)Make your best friend a perfect martini.
Since i dont drink martinis, i am not 100% sure of how good they were, but i made a round for a couple friends and they loved them.
14.)Buy, build or steal a home bar. we built one at my aunts....and my best friends. so we have a great bar at any point in time. My friends is party central and there is always over $1k USD worth of alcohol in the house.
15.)Get carried home by your drinking buddies. I've had to be carried to the car then to the house....does that count?
16.)Get drunk with your father.My father doesnt drink. He did enough of that in the 80's to get diabeties. But i have drank with my uncle, who very much helped raise me and is like a father figure.
17.)Fight a good fight.been there....done that....and if it weren't for my buddies i woulda likely died. i hit a guy, he pulls a knife, my buddy hits him with a chain *i was drunk and have no i-fucking-dea where the chain came from* his other buddy pulls a pool cue and my other buddy catches him in the nose with a fastpitch....an 8ball. we left soon thereafter.
18.)Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor. made it to the jim beam distillary and my fave hops microbrewery.
19.)Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle. we have done this numerous times while camping
20.)Sit in on an A.A. meeting. sat in on one with a relative. he was court ordered to attend. it was actually kinda sad.
21.)Hit a dozen bars in one night. never done this one. made it to 9 one night.
22.)Try at least one hundred different drinks. i'm sure i'm close to this. hell i've come up with at least 20 on my own. the benefits of having hundreds of liqours, wines, schnapps, whiskeys, cremes and tons of other stuff.
23.)Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.
I have traced my ancestors arrival point to america. Turns out my family owns part of the land they settled. I Have spent many a nights by a roaring bonfire with a few buddies, even have some amazing smoke effect pictures.
24.)Juice on the job.I can actually be arrested and kicked out of the military for this one. lol havent quite pushed my luck. i have shown up drunk *also a jailworthy offense* but never drank on the job.
25.)Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.
Never had the chance.
26.)Give a hobo twenty bucks. I have bought a hobo alcohol. had heard him askin for money for it earlier and didnt have the cash on me. so i went in and got him a bottle of irish rose. i thought he was gonna cry.
27.)Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.
I typically tell my boss how i feel anyways.
28.)Send a friend a bottle of good liquor.Have several times bought friends a handle of Jegg or JD. not expensive liqour but still a handle is big, around 40$ and always appreciated.
29.)Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.
Never tried one. had a pigs foot. it was horrible
30.)Go on a fishing trip with your pals.
done this one twice. we are tryin to plan another before i deploy
31.)Eat the worm.
sadly enough never had a tequila bottle that had a worm. always jose or tequila reserva.
32.)Learn at least one traditional drinking song.
never had a leader to teach me one lol. even though i'm the youngest of my crowd, i am the eldest acting and kinda the decision maker, and we haven't had an "experienced" drinkers guidance or even heard any songs in a bar. kinda sad.
33.)Steal some booze.yes. it is very sweet indeed.
34.)Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.
Never done it on a single bottle. never found one in a shop that was very expensive. have however put a full check on a trip to the class 6 *military liqour shop* was one hell of a party and made money by charging a 5$ cover charge *alcohol included*. not many drank.
35.)Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story. Mine is called philosophical ramblings. lol a very thought provoking raw, handwritten book.
36.)Try absinthe. .....one day.....one day.
37.)Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends.
I have to say, i've never heard of the movie. will look into it.
38.)Work at least a week as a bartender. have been a bouncer, and helped the girls tend the bar, but never was a bartender aside from basic draft beers and straight shots.
39.)Make your own beer, wine or moonshine. I got to flavor my wine, but my uncle actually tended to it and prepared. was a nice black cherry
40.)Go to your place of worship loaded. been there hungover, never loaded. but i'm sure i still smelled of tequila
Yet another wonderful list from faustian that i love and will email to my drinking buddies with some "DUDE WE HAVE TO TRY THIS!!" lol
2.)Go on a bender.i've done 3 days, but i was soberish by noon so i had to start again, not full on bender
3.)Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day. Done this a number of times.
4.)Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.Never done this one. have done it at parties but typically it was a couple of us.
5.)Spend a night in the drunk tank. Been as close as humanly possible without doing it. there is no closer than sitting in the handcuffs in the cruiser and bein smooth lipped enough to explain to the officer that you are not drunk, in public, underage, on a military installation, while smelling like tequila.
we all know there is no hiding of tequila breath. But i was given the gift of gab.
6.)Get drunk on the grave of your hero. Buddy and i were by Kerouac's grave while hammered and decided to go buy a pack of lucky strikes and sit up all night in some hole in the wall greasy spoon diner (kinda in honor of him). I have no idea when or wear it was, just some time during the early summer of '04. lots of chemically induced road trips, several of which we wound up in cemetaries.
7.)Buy a crowded bar a round. We have done this after a pub concert, but we usually did well in tips that night and wanted to show the love to the fans.
8.)Embark on an impromptu road trip.At least 6 a couple of which were simply for going places to get musical inspiration. ended up being great for writing inspiration too.
9.)Get 86’d from a bar.- Done it. my buddy is in jail for the place burning down later that night. he wasnt there.....didnt do it, but is in jail for it. we are fighting that shit right now. He was with us all night abt 10 miles away. But after that i beat the holy fucking shit out of the bartender that testified it was him when he knows damn good and well it wasnt.
10.)Extravagantly overtip a bartender. Did this once. Being underage and at a bar sucks....so when a pretty girl decides to sell me a rum and coke and talk to me......well i had to give her a nice tip. She took good care of my buddies everytime they went to drink and the one time i came too....she did a good job.
11.)Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink. Did this a couple times in Tech school (military upgrade training)
I actually got a couple numbers that way. and these girls were indefinately out of my league by the looks of things.
12.)Conspire an afterhours at your favorite bar. Only done this once. and it wasnt a bar, it was more of a club, but we walked out around 8am
13.)Make your best friend a perfect martini.
Since i dont drink martinis, i am not 100% sure of how good they were, but i made a round for a couple friends and they loved them.
14.)Buy, build or steal a home bar. we built one at my aunts....and my best friends. so we have a great bar at any point in time. My friends is party central and there is always over $1k USD worth of alcohol in the house.
15.)Get carried home by your drinking buddies. I've had to be carried to the car then to the house....does that count?
16.)Get drunk with your father.My father doesnt drink. He did enough of that in the 80's to get diabeties. But i have drank with my uncle, who very much helped raise me and is like a father figure.
17.)Fight a good fight.been there....done that....and if it weren't for my buddies i woulda likely died. i hit a guy, he pulls a knife, my buddy hits him with a chain *i was drunk and have no i-fucking-dea where the chain came from* his other buddy pulls a pool cue and my other buddy catches him in the nose with a fastpitch....an 8ball. we left soon thereafter.
18.)Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor. made it to the jim beam distillary and my fave hops microbrewery.
19.)Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle. we have done this numerous times while camping
20.)Sit in on an A.A. meeting. sat in on one with a relative. he was court ordered to attend. it was actually kinda sad.
21.)Hit a dozen bars in one night. never done this one. made it to 9 one night.
22.)Try at least one hundred different drinks. i'm sure i'm close to this. hell i've come up with at least 20 on my own. the benefits of having hundreds of liqours, wines, schnapps, whiskeys, cremes and tons of other stuff.
23.)Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.
I have traced my ancestors arrival point to america. Turns out my family owns part of the land they settled. I Have spent many a nights by a roaring bonfire with a few buddies, even have some amazing smoke effect pictures.
24.)Juice on the job.I can actually be arrested and kicked out of the military for this one. lol havent quite pushed my luck. i have shown up drunk *also a jailworthy offense* but never drank on the job.
25.)Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.
Never had the chance.
26.)Give a hobo twenty bucks. I have bought a hobo alcohol. had heard him askin for money for it earlier and didnt have the cash on me. so i went in and got him a bottle of irish rose. i thought he was gonna cry.
27.)Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.
I typically tell my boss how i feel anyways.
28.)Send a friend a bottle of good liquor.Have several times bought friends a handle of Jegg or JD. not expensive liqour but still a handle is big, around 40$ and always appreciated.
29.)Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.
Never tried one. had a pigs foot. it was horrible
30.)Go on a fishing trip with your pals.
done this one twice. we are tryin to plan another before i deploy
31.)Eat the worm.
sadly enough never had a tequila bottle that had a worm. always jose or tequila reserva.
32.)Learn at least one traditional drinking song.
never had a leader to teach me one lol. even though i'm the youngest of my crowd, i am the eldest acting and kinda the decision maker, and we haven't had an "experienced" drinkers guidance or even heard any songs in a bar. kinda sad.
33.)Steal some booze.yes. it is very sweet indeed.
34.)Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.
Never done it on a single bottle. never found one in a shop that was very expensive. have however put a full check on a trip to the class 6 *military liqour shop* was one hell of a party and made money by charging a 5$ cover charge *alcohol included*. not many drank.
35.)Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story. Mine is called philosophical ramblings. lol a very thought provoking raw, handwritten book.
36.)Try absinthe. .....one day.....one day.
37.)Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends.
I have to say, i've never heard of the movie. will look into it.
38.)Work at least a week as a bartender. have been a bouncer, and helped the girls tend the bar, but never was a bartender aside from basic draft beers and straight shots.
39.)Make your own beer, wine or moonshine. I got to flavor my wine, but my uncle actually tended to it and prepared. was a nice black cherry
40.)Go to your place of worship loaded. been there hungover, never loaded. but i'm sure i still smelled of tequila
Yet another wonderful list from faustian that i love and will email to my drinking buddies with some "DUDE WE HAVE TO TRY THIS!!" lol
MindBuster
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ultimababe
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SURPRISE BUTTSECKS!!!!1`1!
Sry ;O
Sry ;O
ZippO
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i just finished my 5th of jack : ) i love jack but i have to admit absolut is my drink of choice Faust i got my highspeed! All i need is for my new comp to get here! ;P
Faust i got my highspeed! All i need is for my new comp to get here! ;P
Faustian
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ZippO said:i just finished my 5th of jack : ) i love jack but i have to admit absolut is my drink of choice
AWSOME!
buttsecks
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ZippO said:i just finished my 5th of jack : ) i love jack but i have to admit absolut is my drink of choice
Hurry up, ZiPmeister!!!!!
StrategicJasmin
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I don't drink JD.. it's more like....
[br]Click to enlarge[/br]
Ice tea
I've been looking for this pic for a few days just to post it here.
Guess it's the only one I got where it looks like i'm drinking
Still bored Faustian? Or have you had your JD tonight?
[br]Click to enlarge[/br]Ice tea
I've been looking for this pic for a few days just to post it here.
Guess it's the only one I got where it looks like i'm drinking
Still bored Faustian? Or have you had your JD tonight?
Last edited:
Faustian
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The 86 Rules to Boozing!
The 86 Rules to Boozing!
There is more to it than tipping a glass and acting foolish
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
The 86 Rules to Boozing!
There is more to it than tipping a glass and acting foolish
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
Dunn
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Faustian said:Warning: You Must Be Of Legal Drinking Age To View This Post!
Jack Daniel's
Old Time
No. 7
Quality
Tennessee
Sour Mash
Whiskey
Distiller And Bottled By
Jack Daniel's Distillery
Lem Motlow, Proprietor
Lynchburg, (Pop. 361) Tenn., U.S.A.
Est. & Reg. In 1866
40% Alc. By Vol. (80 Proof)
10002765
Hey, ive been drunk on that a few times....