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Joke of The day!

Priest...

The Confession


Eddie visits his church to confess. He sits down in
the confessional and says, "Forgive me father for I
have sinned. I have used foul language, and took the
Lord's name in vain." The priest says, "It's OK son.
Tell me what happened." Eddie says, "Well father, I
was golfing with my buddy. We're very competitive.
It was the 18th hole and we were tied. His tee shot
went straight down the fairway and my tee shot went
into the rough."

The priest says, "Oh I see, you were angry with your
shot and cursed." "No father, I didn't curse at that
time. My buddy's next shot reached the green, my next
shot went into the sand." The father chuckles and says,
"Well, one can see why you were angry then. Is this
when you took the Lord's name in vain?" "Not then father.
My shot from the sand landed 2 inches from the cup.
So close!"

The priest says, "Oh my. I see why you were so angry.
So that's when you started cursing?" "No, father, not
then." There was a moment of silence, then the priest
says, "You mean you missed that !!!!!!!!!!!!?"
 
Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bugger off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I fu*king didn't."

:D
 
Damn.....

Adams Companion

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very
lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said
he was going to give him a companion and it would be
a woman. He said, "This person will cook for you and
wash your clothes, she will always agree with every
decision you make. She will bear you children and never
ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take
care of them. She will not nag you, and will always
be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had
a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and
will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam replied, "What can
I get for just a rib?" the rest is history.
 
Vehicles in Entropia

Over the last five years the National Transportation Safety Board has been covertly funding a project with U.S. Auto makers whereby the auto makers have been installing "black boxes" in all four wheel drive pick up trucks they have manufactured.

This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They weren't surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "OH S#@%!"

Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this." :beerchug:
 
In a couple of years....

Doug and Bill were chatting in Twin Peaks. Doug says, "You know, if you withdraw $600, Mindark tells the government."

Bill says, "Well it could be worse."

Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you withdrew $600?"

Bill sighs, "Telling your wife." :girl:
 
Raid

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma
to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of
prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was
among them. The police took them outside and had all
the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly,
the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the
girl told her grandmother that the policemen were they're
passing out free oranges and she was just lining up
for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think
I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the
back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information
from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma,
he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at
it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my
dentures out and suck them dry."
 
Newlywed Virgin

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about
sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him.

As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous
about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety
aside, she decided that she would just marry her man
and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.

The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon
as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question
him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my
husband's legs called?"

"Maam," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the
end of the penis called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called
the head of the penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last
question doctor, what are those two big round things
about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"

He paused and said, "I'm not sure about your husband,
maam, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"
 
Hell

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he
is wallowing in despair, he meets a demon.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of
fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon:" Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays,
that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka,
beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some
more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get
the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our
fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're
already dead!"

Guy: "Golly"

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps,
blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself
to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size
of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and
if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin'
place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
 
Whistling Whore

A Experienced Red light district visitor is walking along his usual spots
when he see's a new sign.

Whore gives blow job While whistling.

He thinks, Hmm how the hell is she able to do that, ive seen my fair share of tricks but I have to try this.

So he walks into the brothel and aks for the Whistling whore, He gets shown to a room pays his 50 Euro and then a stunning blonde comes in, smiles and closes the door.
The guy cant wait for her to get started and as she kneels down in front of him she switches the light of and its pitch black in there.

Anyway she starts doing her thing and indeed she is whistling mary had a little lamb while providing a great service.

5 songs later its over and the light goes back on and the guy cant get her out of his mind, how did she do it.

So he decides hes coming back tommorrow but again the lights go out and he cant see what she is doing.

So he says to himself tomorrow ill take a flash light, and so he does, blonde goes down lights go out, and she starts whistling.

He grabs his flashlight and switches it on, and the first thing he sees is a glass eye laying on the bedside table..
 
what does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?????




lays awake at night wondering if theres a dog:p




ps:sorry bout the spelling :p
 
Women

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women, what makes them tick, why the way they are what they are...

The Lord interrupted... "You want two lanes or four on that bridge? :D
 
Gender

Everything Has a Gender

You may not know this but many non living things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying!
 
Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the
conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gear heads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes,
one of the engineers heads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket
please."
 
More nun jokes

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get
 
An old joke, new times

Six guys were playing EU at a cybercafe when Wildman loses 5000 PEDs on a hunting trip, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Eddie looks around and asks, "Who is going to tell his wife?" They draw straws. Bob, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and don't make a bad situation worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Bob walks over to Wildman's house, and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Bob says, "You husband just lost $500 playing EU!" She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Bob says, "I'll tell him."
 
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman first notices that the other driver was a man, and says to him, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "
 
Poetry Contest

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year
came down to two finalists. One was a Vanderbilt University
Law School graduate from an upper-crust family; well-
bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.

The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama
A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist
to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and
the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after
the clock started he jumped up and recited the following
poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination -- Timbuktu."

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could
the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the
redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last
few seconds, he jumped and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
 
My future sign in front of my office door

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Hehehehehhe.
 
Peeping Tom

This girl I know lives on the 4th floor of an apartment, and even though it is a fairly good neighborhood, she has been having trouble with a Peeping Tom that lives next door...

Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun while wearing her bikini, this Peeping Tom looks over from his balcony as soon as she removes her top, and stares at her...

She has complained to the superintendent about this Peeping Tom, but he says she must have positive proof before he can do a thing --

She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her...



cat_34036.jpg





SMILE!!! ;)
 
New York Updrafts

There was a tourist sitting in a New York bar having
a drink, when another guy walks over to him and asks,
"Have you heard of the New York updrafts?"

The tourist responds, "No".

The guy says, "Well, finish your beer and meet me on
top of that building in a half-an-hour."

Thirty minutes later they both meet on top of the building.
The guy says to the tourist, "Watch this!", and he jumps
off the building and floats back onto the ledge. The
tourist says, "Do it again!!". So the guy jumps off
and floats back onto the ledge.

The tourist says, "If you do it one more time I'll do
it." So the guy jumps off for a third time and floats
back onto the ledge.

The tourist then jumps off the building and hits the
pavement. Two guys walk by the building, look up and
say, "Damn Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
 
THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said , "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."




And the moral of this story is:

























































































Always keep your condoms in your car. :laugh:
 
More nun jokes

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.



In a very loud voice, the first guy says, "I think I'm going to move to Utah , there are only 100 nuns living there."


The second guy speaks up also and says, "I want to go to

Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."

The third guy says, " I want to go to

Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turns around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice replies. . . . . . ."Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any nuns there."
 
Employee's New Code Of Conduct

To all Employees:

Effective from July 2007





Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Use of Toilet Facility

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
 
Flying Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
 
Stupid Questions With The Smart Answers

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
 
Accommodating Woman ... !!

After being married 25 years, I took a look at my wife and said,

Honey, do you realize that 25 years ago, I had a cheap appartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV.
but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things,"




Now my wife is a very reasonable woman ...

She told me to go find a hot 25 year old blond,
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed ....




I shut up and took out the trash ... !!
 
Actual call center conversations!

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Samsung Electronics


Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services


Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
"If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------



Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off the sign."
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland."


----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."


----------------------------------------------------------------------



Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.

So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------


This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This

is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared"
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on ? ?
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"
 
Here's a true story about an Australian Radio Phone-In...

An Australian Radio Show were doing a phone-in one day, the subject of which was "Words we use Down Under that the Bladdy Poms don't have back home."

People were calling in all day to suggest suitable words, such as "G'day" and "Bonza" etc...

A man then called in and said,

"Here's one for ya. Gaan. G - A - A - N. Gaan."

The DJ asks, "Er. I don't know that one mate. Can you use it in a sentence?"

The man replies, "Sure. Gaan F**K yourself.."

The DJ immediately disconnects the caller, and apologises tothe listeners for the use of such foul language, which they don't even use on WGDAY Radio."

They play some more music, and the phone rings again. A mans voice says

"Ok, here's another one. Smee. S - M - E - E. Smee."

The DJ asks, "Er. I don't know that one mate. Can you use it in a sentence?"

The man replies, "Sure. Smee again. Gaan F**K yourself.."


:laugh:
 
deep throat ;)

can you resist to lough?

[YOUTUBE]http://youtube.com/watch?v=gi7e6V9zil0[/YOUTUBE]

:dancing:
 
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