Vortexy's Diary

[Vortexy]

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Wow.. MA is certainly rewarding me in the hunting segment with a few globals. Like prvious times, one professions up will result in another profession's downward. MAde peds through hunting but lost all of it through crafting! Luckily the MA-103 unlimited bp was sold for 1250 peds.

Jokes

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.

Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."

"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"

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Two women were standing in a Victoria's Secrets store when the sales woman noticed that that one woman's breasts were uneven ....puzzled by this, she asked her why.

The one lady says that her husband can't go to sleep without one of her breasts in his mouth.

The sales woman said, "Well, neither can mine and my breasts are both the same size."

The woman then proceeded to tell the sales woman, "yeah but I bet you don't sleep in twin beds."

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Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife
was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing
doctor for an hour?'...That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an
hour?"

"Heck, just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

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A German, an Italian and a Redneck were on death row. The warden gave
them a choice of three ways to die:
1.. to be shot
2.. to be hung
3.. to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus.
So the German said," Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead
instantly). Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was
dead.)
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this
guy. Then the Redneck said "Give me another one of those shots,"
so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from
his eyes and he doubled over.
So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid, I'm wearing a condom!"

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Did you hear about the sex-mad woman Sunday school teacher
who chased a burglar all over the church?
She finally caught him by the organ.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The fireman had rushed into a burning building and rescued
a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of
her baby-doll nightgown. He had carried her in his arms down
three flights of stairs.

As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him
with great admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must
have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way
you did."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was
always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said,
"You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good
cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said,
"So, what's your excuse?"

"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off
three other firemen who were trying to get to you."

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Todd had been quite the ladies man and player all his life,
but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was
getting concerned about him.
"Todd," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if
you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Todd thought for a few minutes, and then said,
"Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up
singing."

 

[Vortexy]

Friday, March 23, 2007

Now hunting is giving me peds and mining and crafting sucking it all again. If only I can figure out the sequence.. I will be rich! Looted a few korrs and glad to see taht the price is going upwards from 150% to around 190 - 200% now. Sold one at BO of 190% after just 5 minutes in auction. That gives me some peds to hunt for more korrs!

New VU is great with better graphics overall except the items part. Efforst of 3d is not up to the mark yet... but like any other programmes.... development is always there.

The crafting of oreamps however is not the same anymore. Globals are MUCH less frequent and the chances are no longer 50 - 50... but more like 10 - 90. You can go through 30 - 50 clicks (max condition) with no globals at all! So careful guys....

Trooper's sense of humor

In most of the United States , there is a policy of checking on
any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop
down to single digits or below.

About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon, #658,
responded to a call that there was a car off the shoulder of the road
outside Shattuck, Oklahoma . He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with
the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his
emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find
an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka
bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window .
Seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror, and the State
Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked.

He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas . The car's
speedometer registered 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but the car was
still stuck in the snow, with its wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place
next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was
totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up
with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then with authority the
Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"

The man obeyed , turned his wheel
and stopped the engine . Needless to say, the man from Dumas , Texas
was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State
Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour .

Who says Trooper's don't have a sense of humor ?


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New Yorker

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured
by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "the
bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going
to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you,
eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe.
The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives
him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself
through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." the
chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head,
says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." the chief is puzzled,
but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker
takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--
the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's
blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God almighty, what
are you doing?"

The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid
fuck!"

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X Rated Movie

Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before,
so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and, after looking around
for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment,
there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls
the video store to complain.

Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems
with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Judi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."


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Talking Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only
know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have
some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have
a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots
over to my house and I will put them with my two male
talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to
praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to
the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding
rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts
her two female parrots in with the male parrots and
the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want
to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot
and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have
been answered!"

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The Corkscrew

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public
lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's
penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin
said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give
his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in
his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been
wringing it!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[Vortexy]

Monday, March 26, 2007

Noticed a change in the new VU/patches. Average loot in hunting has dropped tremendously (confirmed by most of my socmates - we lost loads of peds) but those that gets a hoF... will have a fat wallet.

Mobs that HoF 4 - 5 digits also currently covers 'noob' mobs like cau, armax, daikiba, etc. All in all, looks like the need for uber weapon/armor is not a necessity now except when one wants to hunt at PVP areas.

The Great Seat

A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got
there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far
left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp
than he was to the field, but halfway through the first
quarter he spotted the best seat in the house. He
went over to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting
beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?" "No.", the guy
replied. So the man sat down, and about 30 minutes
later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome
seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!" The guy sitting
next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed
to be my wife's seat, but she died." The man, feeling
like shit said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you
have asked a relative to come with you?" "No", said
the guy. The man was confused, and asked, "Why not?"
The guy replied, "Because they're all at the funeral."


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Man wakes up one morning to see his wife in a skimpy negligee, standing by the bed, and with some velvet rope in her hand. She purrs at him "Tie me up and you can do anything that you like",

So he did, and went golfing!!

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THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and
whose given name was Onestone.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him
Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked
and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and
said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died
from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised
he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name
until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed
when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then
he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to
her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this
story?????.. ......... ......... .......

OH, Come on...take a guess!


Think about it...


(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is...

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!



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A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he
stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but an
empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He
found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read,
"Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night". Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed"

Baby's first exam

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get
dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have
any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

 

[Vortexy]

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Loot certainly has been bad the whole of this week. However, noticed nice big fat hofs onthe Hall of Fame list. Guess if you are one of em, then it is nice... if not.. then you are losing peds!

Soc is growing nicely. Members are skilling and some are having luck globaling.

CIA Final Test

Three men are getting ready for their final test to
become CIA agents. The instructor says that their final
test is to kill their wives. So, the instructor hands
a gun to the first guy and he goes into another room
where his wife is. The man returns just a few minutes
later and says that he loves his wife too much and can't
go through with it.

The second guy goes into the room with the gun to kill
his wife. He returns 10 minutes later and says that
even though he really wants to become an agent he just
couldn't kill his wife.

So, the instructor hands the gun off to the third guy
and he proceeds into the room. After about 15 minutes
they hear three gun shots go off. The man returns a
few minutes afterwards all sweaty and out of breath.
The instructor asks the man what happened and the man
replied "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to
strangle the bitch".


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, " you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink- plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink- plink, there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again,
plink-plink- plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters. You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored.
"I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting
hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~



"You're simply going through the change."

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While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations." the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

 

[Vortexy]

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Life certainly is full of surprises... One minute you have 10k peds in your ped card and the next, you are selling everything you have (including clothes) just to keep playing EU. Gotta learn to be MUCH more trifty on my next global/HoF.

The loot system at the moment seems to be either no loots/minimal loots Vs Big HoFs... In short - no HoF = guarantee loose $$$$. If HoF guarantee make $$$$.

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A China pumpkin girl was visiting New York, went into a worldwide message center wanting to send an urgent, important message to her mother in China.
The Italian guy at the counter told her it would cost around US$100/=. She exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money, but I will do anything to get a message to my mother in China!" The Italian smiled, arched an eyebrow and asked, "Anything?" "Yes,I promise...anything!" she said. With that, the Italian said, "Follow me." He led her to the next room and said, "Come in and close the door." "Get down on your knees!" he ordered. She did.

"Unzip me!" he said. She did. Then he said, "Go on...take it out." She did and grabbed it with both hands excitedly. The Italian closed his eyes and & whispered, "Go ahead girl, what are you waiting for?" Ms China pumpkin girl slowly brought her lips closer and said loudly, "Hello....hello Ah Mah!!!..can you hear me?"

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Dictionary Of Dating
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of
money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with
a person whom you don't especially like in the present
and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals
of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to
communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty
looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily
due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that
a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance
who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her
totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which
is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities
that initially attract two people to each other turn
into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to
do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible
to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a
particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny,
but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears
to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive
your date is.


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[Vortexy]

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Not gonna continue ranting as have seen others HoFing like mad. Guess this VU is jsut not my luck. Also noted that most of my socmates are off EU at the moment. Maybe they are also waiting for the lootpool to 'normalise' as we are all losing peds at a faster speed than normal which sux. (unless you HoF of course)

Job stress is gettighigher as CEO is pressuring all the branches to reach target by June. Have to work harder and less EU I guess.

On a lighter note, won the EF lottery that makes me one of the top 10 EFD richest guy in the forum. Wish it was peds.


What $2 Can Buy

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation.

Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

Computer addict
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Woman and the Midget

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was
barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each
other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's
apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making
love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with
the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread
your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the
biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within
a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a
smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Obstetricians Wife

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed
another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making
overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal
gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw
them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she
rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed,
"Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't
INSTALL them!"


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50th Wedding Anniversary

A man and woman were celebrating their 50th wedding
anniversary. That night the wife put on the same negligee
that she had worn on their wedding night.

She asked her husband, "Do you remember this?"

He looked her up and down, and then he replied, "Yes,
you wore that same gown on our wedding night, didn't
you?"

"Yes," she giggled. "And do you remember what you said
to me that night?"

"Yes, I do." He stated. "I told you I was going to suck
your tits dry and fuck your brains out!"

"Yep," she giggled again. "Well, what do you have to
say now?" He looked her up and down once more and replied,
"Mission accomplished!"

 

[Vortexy]

Monday, April 9, 2007

As usual.. lost everything in hunting again. Tried my last luck at limnadian with Bheema and we got a 70 ped consolation. Overall the theory is No global = Guarantee loose peds.

Soc mates are slowly returning from vacations, computer problems. Hope to organise some soc events soon. The last event fisting and beacon mission was some time ago.

Real life hoever is getting better. Own company is already moving and hope to seal a deal soon. Then... I can play EU 24/7 with an average deposit of USD 500 a month.

3 Engineers and the Stalled Car

Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer,
a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly
the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The
three engineers look at each other with bewilderment,
wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics,
suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car
and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics,
suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and
is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."

The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close
all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows
again, and maybe it will work."

Click to see animation (Monica)
[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Frog Noise

A sister and brother are talking to each other when
the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa
and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog
noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa
to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her
Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm
telling you no."

The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make
a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog
noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you
croak we can go to Disney world!"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Artificial Insemination

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss
was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind
them and began taking off his clothes. "And just what
do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "Sorry," said
the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff.
I've got to give you draft."

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Suicide Solution

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join
him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision
to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly
broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office
to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would
be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be
just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Line Painter

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months
got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines
down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told
her that she was on probation and that she must stay
at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain
employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right
away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day,
found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first
day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think
you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that
the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor
thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't
want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the
boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets
any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and
says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did
4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only
did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment
failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile
minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther
and farther away from the bucket."

 

[Vortexy]

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Updated baby pictures of my son. Ya, he can crawl now. Fiesty fella that now crawls everywhere and eats everything he can find on the ground...

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EU not much happening. Still the same 30% returns after each hunt. Sigh...

Airline

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said
the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "dumb ass" afterwards

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One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood.

They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill.

John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him.

Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me."

Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro"

John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg.

Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs.

Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!"

John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms.

He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg."

Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!"

Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm."

And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"

The shark then bites off Johns other arm.

Now John has no arms or legs.

His brother finally arrives to save him.

Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.

When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel fucked"

And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!!!"


One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

 

[Vortexy]

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Phew.. Luck has changed for the better. Scored 2 globals yesterday and 3 today (with korrs 400). Now I am 400 peds richer than yesterday.

Soc wise is doing ok except the fact that Baron lost some of his stuff and MA takes no responsibility in it (even in telling the avatar's name). Sigh...



100 Miles an Hour

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While
driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If
I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer
hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her
clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives
off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear
without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend
are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says,
"Cover your snatch with that and go get help."She takes
the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station
down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells
to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch
and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-
worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-
worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you
were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring."
he replies sheepishly.

"So, really, How long have you been wearing one?"

"Well, ummm, ever since my wife found it in our bed."


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Condoms

This guy went into a pharmacy to buy some condoms. The
only problem was that he didn't know what size to buy
because he'd never done it before. He went up to a
cashier, who happened to be a beautiful blonde and said,
"Excuse me, Miss, I need to purchase some condoms, but
I don't know what size to get." So the blonde said,
"Alright, come here," and proceeded to reach into his
pants and feel around for a while... Then she reached
for her loud speaker, and said, "Hey, Sid, I need a
box of large condoms in isle 3!!" So the guy took his
condoms and left.

A couple of hours later, another man came in with the
same problem. He went up to the blonde, and said, "I
need to buy a box of condoms, but I don't know what
size." So she took him aside, and the next thing he
knows, she's shouting, "Hey, Sid, I need a box small
condoms in isle 3!!" into her loudspeaker. The guy,
embarrassed as hell, took his condoms and left.

A couple of hours later a kid about 16 years old walked
into the pharmacy, also looking to buy a box of condoms.
He didn't know what size to buy so he walked up to the
blonde, and told her his problem. Sighing she said,
"Alright, come here and let me see what you got." So
he walked over to her, and she started to feel around.
With a smirk, she reached over to her loud speaker,
and shouted, "Hey, Sid, clean up in isle 3!!"
[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

 

[Vortexy]

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Wow.. My brother Franklon looted an unlimited 102 ore amps. Should be worth 50k. I wish to loot something worth like that too. However, got a compensation from EF in the form of 43k EFDs.

Anyway Bheema came over for the weekend and it was fun. He got a hyper wife. Hehehehe.


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

After we took this picture we head off to the local pub at Steppes and enjoy 5 songs from the band before we head off to another pub. Played pool and I lost 1 - 3 to Bheema. Anyway we all enjoyed our Carlsbergs and Kilkennys.

17 Children

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has
7 children. Eventually, her husband dies. She remarries
two weeks later, and has 10 children by her next husband.
Eventually, he dies. Soon after her second husband's
death she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At
least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the
front row says, "Excuse me father, but do you mean her
and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Football Fans

Three football fans were on their way to a game when
one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the
side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude
female dead drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the Seahawk's fan took
off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The 'Niners' fan took off his cap and placed it over
her left breast.

Following their lead, the Raider's fan took off his
cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived,
he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the
Seahawk's cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes.

Next, he lifted the 'Niners' cap, replaced it and wrote
down some more notes.

The officer then lifted the Raider's cap, replaced it,
then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third
time, and replaced it one last time.

The Raider's fan was getting upset and finally asked,
"What are you, a pervert or something?" "Why do you
keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?

"Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised; normally
when I look under a Raider's hat, I find an asshole."

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Three Ring Circus

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring...

Wedding ring...

Suffering!!!


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


Growing Pains

A teacher is reviewing her class' homework assignment.
She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part
of the human body enlarges to seven times its original
size when stimulated. Susie stands up, shuffles her
feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed
to tell you." The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny,
tell the class what part of the human body enlarges
to seven times its size when stimulated." Johnny says,
"That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven
times its original size when stimulated by light."
The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny." Then she
turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't
do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, when you get married, you're in for a big
disappointment."

 

[Vortexy]

Thursday, April 26, 2007

This week seems nice. Got myself a few globals, Soc is growing, work is relatively fair, family is happy.. What would make it better is an ATH from MA...

Frank got it already - 50k worth of oreamps (unlimited). This translates to 5k USD if he can sell it at that price.




Fart Contest

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class
by regularly letting loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted
on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior,
Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better
than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better
than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces
of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk
dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted
down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of
dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted
down and farted, but when she was done there was not
a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was
astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.
She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny
peeked up underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "You've
got a Double-Barrel!"


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Shhhhhhh

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly
stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance,
the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent
health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these
years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi,"
he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to
take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100,
then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've
forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"



[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


The Circumcision

Little Joey, at the back of the class, was squirming
in his chair, not paying any attention to what was
being taught. The teacher, Miss Wanda, approached him
to find out what the problem was.

Quite embarrassed, Joey whispered that he had just been
circumcised, and he was quite itchy.

Miss Wanda sent him to the principal's office to phone
his mom and ask her what to do about it. After making
the phone call, little Joey returned to class and sat
down.

All of a sudden, there was quite a commotion in the
back of the room. The classmates around Joey were all
laughing and giggling. Miss Wanda walked to the back
of the class to see what was causing the disturbance.
The teacher glanced over at Joey... He was sitting at
his desk with his penis hanging out.

Miss Wanda was shocked at the sight: "What are you doing?"
she gasped. "I thought I told you to call your mother!"

"I did," replied Joey. "My Mom told me that if I could
stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from
school."



[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

 

[Vortexy]

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Got my well deserved rest during Labour Day and Wesak Day. EU has been nice lately with a few glboals with korrs and a 13 ped esi (which I already sold). Things are looking brighter. My attachments at the moment are around 9.2 already and am hoping to get 10.0 by this month to unlock BPC.


Old Womans Gas

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed
to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor
Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor.
In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than
twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills
three times a day for seven days and come back and see
me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's
office.

"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the
problem is I'm farting just as much, but now they smell
terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly.
"Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your
hearing!!!"


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


The Priest and 3 Ushers

There was a priest and 3 ushers. The priest said to
the ushers, "You have been good all your lives you may
go out and do something bad."

So the three guys went out and committed a crime then
came back.

The priest said to the first guy, "What have you done?"

The guy said, "I robbed 7-11."

The priest said drink from the Holy Water and you shall
be forgiven.

Second guy comes in and says, "I murdered someone."

The priest said drink from the Holy water and you shall
be forgiven.

Third guy comes in and the priest says, "What have you
done?"

The guy says, "I peed in the Holy Water."


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today it's called golf .

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.

Horse

We raise quarter horses, and one afternoon my husband, our eight- year-old son, Matthew, and I were all in the barn. I went out to the corral to get a horse called Lucky, and Matthew went back up to the house.

While he was there, one of our customers called and asked if his mom or dad was there.

"No," replied Matthew. "Dad's in the barn and Mom's getting Lucky."



[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor,
were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending
time in Afghanistan.
When they landed, a man approached them and
said, "Boys, to show my thanks for serving our country
I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't
have to pay for a cab."
The guys thankfully agreed and drove off. Halfway
there, the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a
lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they saw a
farmhouse and went to ask to use the phone.
When the man at the door answered and saw the men
in uniform, he invited them in. He said, "Boys, for serving
our country, I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack
up with my three daughters. You'll have to discuss amongst
yourselves who sleeps with which girl, and there's plenty
beer in the fridge."
The men ate and the first girl came down the stairs, a
very pretty girl. The fly boy jumped up and said, "She's
mine," and they went upstairs.
The second girl came down, prettier than the first. The
jarhead snatched her up and they, too, went upstairs.
The sailor waited for the last girl, sure that he would be
getting the heifer of the group. To his delight she came
down and was the finest of them all.
The next morning the farmer was cooking breakfast
when the fly boy came down, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking.
The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast, but the fly boy
said, "No, thank you, sir. You've done enough already,"
and left.
The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as
the fly boy's, but still acceptable. The farmer offered him
food, but he only drank coffee, thanked the farmer and left.
The sailor finally came down, still a little drunk,
neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer
offered him breakfast. The sailor ate everything offered
and left without even a 'thank you.'
After they all were gone, the farmer called his girls
down. Rubbing his hands together greedily, he said, "OK,
girls, how did we do?"
The girl who had been with the airman said, "He fondled
me a little, drank a beer, fell asleep and gave me $200!"
The girl who had been with the marine said, "He made
love to me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150."
The poor girl who had been with the sailor appeared tired
and worn out saying, "He made love to me all night, drank
the rest of the beer and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50
from me till next payday!"

 

[Vortexy]

Thursday, May 10, 2007

It has been a crazy week. Globals are nice, crafting sux as always... and people arguing on EFDs and +reps.

Bought my wife a new notebook (Pentium Dualcore D 1.86g) and hope she stop bugging me on EU.


Wrong Name

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their
way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north."

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and have sex with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to
admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything! (THOUGHT
THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU???)



Weighed

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first,
Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She
got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe
again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she
said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to
next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she
was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."



Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house
I watch
He and she leave house
I follow
He and she get on train
I follow
He and she go in hotel
I climb tree-look in window
He kiss she
She kiss he
He strip she
She strip he
He play with she
She play with he
I play with me
Fall out of tree, not see
NO FEE

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


Crafty pet shop owner

Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local
pet store in search of an exotic pet...

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says:

Snatch Eating Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions) .

Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."

Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions
carefully."

Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way
home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out
the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there".

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs
and, to her surprise, nothing happens!

Cindy is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She
re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If
you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store".

So, Cindy calls...

Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some
complaints earlier today. I'll be right over".

Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell.

Cindy welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the
instructions and the damn thing just sits there".

Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how
to do this one more time!"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


Circus

A man went to the circus and asked for a job. "What can you do?.
the ringmaster asked.
"I can make love to 20 women, one after the other". the man boasted.
Not believing him, the ringmaster called all of the circus women.
Sure enough, the man made love to twenty of them, one after the other.
"All right you can start tomorrow night." the ringmaster told him.
So, next night, the man came out into the ring.
Twenty women followed him. He made love to the first, then the second...
but after 10, he was totally exhausted and collapsed.
"What happened"? the ringmaster asked.
"Dunno", he said. "It all went fine in rehearsal this afternoon".



Penis

Billy and Jimmy are playing out on the playground. Jimmy turns to Billy
and says, "Billy, what's a penis?"


Billy replies, "I don't know. I'll ask my parents when I get home."
So that afternoon Billy goes home. Billy's mom is in the kitchen. Billy
goes up to her and asks, "Mom, what's a penis?"


Billy's mom says, "Billy! Don't ask me questions like that! Go ask your father."
So Billy runs off and finds his father, reading the afternoon paper.


Billy asks his father, "Dad, what's a penis?"
Billy's father seems quite pleased with his son's question. "Ah, my son
is becoming a man!" Billy's father stands up, undoes his pants, pulls
them and his underwear down.


"This, my son, this is a penis," says Billy's father. "And for your
information, this is not just any old penis. This is a 'perfect' penis."
Now fully informed, Billy returns to school the next day. At recess
Jimmy approaches Billy.


"Hey, Billy, did you find out what a penis is?"


"Yeah, I did," Billy says, and leads Jimmy back behind some tress where
no one can see them.
Billy undoes his pants, pulls them and his underwear down and says,
"Jimmy, this is a penis. And not only that: if it were two inches
shorter, it would be a 'perfect' penis."


Heart Attack

A Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the
bed, sweating and panting.

"What's going on here?' he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to
grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up
and says, "Daddy! Daddy!, Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and
he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough,
there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You IDIOT!!!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"

Mickey Mouse

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The
judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a
divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not??!!"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the
court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds
that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said
she was fucking Goofy!"


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Missed

The sailor and the priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "FUCK, I missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it any more.

"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you".

It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "FUCK, I missed!!". Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign".

It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "FUCK, I missed!!". A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.

Suddenly, a voice was heard in the clouds, "FUCK, I missed!!!"

Piss

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.

The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At MIT, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.

The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "At Stanford, I learned not to piss on my hands."

Ride

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback"

Account

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a f**kin' checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f**kin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a f**kin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Crossword

The Pope and one of the Cardinals were sitting around doing crossword puzzles.

The Pope says, "Can you think of a four-letter word meaning 'woman' that ends with the letters, U-N-T?"

The Cardinal thinks for a moment. "Why yes, father. That would be 'AUNT'"

The Pope laughs, "YES! Of course! ...ha ha ha..." (pause) "Got an eraser?"

Xcitement

A group of married guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. The youngest, concerned about keeping the fire burning at home asks,

"What do you guys do to drive your wives wild?"

"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that makes her moan."

Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I climb outta bed and wipe my johnson on the curtains. Drives her fucking nuts!"

Wide Tip

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is. Oxford University allocated a budget of #500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilization.

Cambridge University spent #750,000 on a research programmed that lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximized the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.

Finally, the Open University spent #2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.



Period

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report
on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period." reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that" she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"I have no idea," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed
one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot
himself!?"


Caught

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer
during the act. The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it," He spent the
rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his
office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He
considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized
his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the
highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm,
he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his
mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He
heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied,
"I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The policeman then told him,
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there,
because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

 

[Vortexy]

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Man... Work is really piling the last 2 weeks. Only can access EU like 30 minutes - 1 hour only a day. However, looks like I will be achieving my July target after all.

EU on the other hand has been very quiet for me. No globals / HoFs and seems like forever for me to sell something via auction to get the peds to hunt.


Chimpanzee

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
As the bartender serves him, the man looks down and
sees a chimpanzee sitting on a barstool at the end of
the bar. So he says to the bartender, "Hey man, what's
with the chimp?" The bartender laughs and says, "Watch
this!" The bartender walks over to the chimp, turns
it around on the barstool and punches the chimp right
in the mouth, knocking it off the barstool. The chimp
gets up off the floor, pulls down the bartender's zipper
and gives the bartender a blowjob. The customer says,
"Wow!! Can I try that?" "Sure thing," says the bartender.
"Great," says the customer, "But don't hit me as hard
as you hit the chimp."

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Horse advice

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know nothin about cars!"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Gourmet Chicken

A gay couple goes to a restaurant and one of them orders
a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he
is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir,
I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police
officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular
customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.
The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house.
I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and you'll
have to choose another entree."

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his
food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains
the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's
table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY
chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever
you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You
pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours.
You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, gets up, drops
his pants, picks up the chicken and sticks his dick
in the bird's ass. He then bends over and says. . .
"Your turn!"


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Buttercups

While playing a round of golf one day, Bill hit a shot
into the middle of a field of buttercups. As he was
preparing to hit his next shot (probably uprooting most
of the buttercups) a voice out of nowhere said, "Please
don't hurt my buttercups." Bill, not sure he heard
correctly, prepared to hit his shot anyway. Again a
voice asked him not to hurt the buttercups.

Bill placed his ball back on the fairway to make his
shot and instantly MOTHER NATURE appeared. "Thank
you for not hurting my buttercups, as a reward I will
give you a year's supply of butter !" Bill was momentarily
surprised and then he became angry ..... "Thanks a
lot lady, but where were you when I was stuck in the
PUSSY WILLOWS !!!"

 

[Vortexy]

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Had a few good runs in TI but no globals todate. Change my target main mob from feffs to bristlehogs. Was getting a few 20 pedders but my main aim was the korrs 400. Was mining there when I got this claim that I could not locate for like 20 minutes! In the end had to slowly walk to the coordinates shown at the claim when I realised it was hidden in the tree.

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Next time gotta look at the coordinates instead of the arrow...


Laughter The Best MEdicine

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."



[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


3 bears - Mamma, Pappa, Baby.

Mamma: Who's been eating my porridge?

Pappa: Who's been eating MY porridge?

Baby: Fuck the damn porridge!! Who's taken the Plasma TV??


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey
The call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started
Peeing. Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the
"tip".

The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice. He
Went to the farmer's house and put his penis in buttermilk.

At that moment the farmer's daughter came in. With her face red,
She stood perfectly still looking at him.

"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.

To which the girl replied:

"Yes, but this is the first time I've seen one being reloaded!"


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

 

[Vortexy]

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Man.. luck sure is hard these days... Got a gremlin harness (which I sold for tt + 78) and a 8 pedder 2722 but that was it. I need mroe korrs to continue my hunts. Now using my 2nd last korrs with only 1 spare left in storage. Overall I say that the bristles bites harder than feffs but they loot better... for now..


Man and woman
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.


Bark

Our dog, Longie, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss.

Then the dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m. with frantic barking.

When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Longie.

Larry hurried outside and found the culprit.

Crouching on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing.

My husband demanded to know what he was doing.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she'll leave."




Surprise!
[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

A young couple is on their honeymoon. After start having great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?"

"Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: "You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I think?"

"Yes," the lady replied, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with
only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself."

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain, a real heavy down pour.

About an hour later a traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and
asked the Farmer for a place to stay.

The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him.

The salesman went to the barn.

Later another traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and the
Farmer told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear.

The salesmen left for the barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.

He told her about the barn and mentioned the two traveling
salesmen. However, he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear.

The woman said, "I can take care of myself," and left for the barn.

Two hours later the farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door.

When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.

The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?.

The woman replied "I give up on human nature, the first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks!"

RETIRED

Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day Dottie and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about
giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires.

So Dottie called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket

.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care.

We don't own a car.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.


WORM
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.


The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.


The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.


The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:


The first worm in alcohol - Dead.


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.


The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.


The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"


A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

JIM
A woman was in bed with the best friend of her husband, Jim when the phone rang. She got out of bed and went into the hall to answer it.
After a few moments, she returned, got back into bed and said, "That was Jim but don't worry. He won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."

Theraphy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, Come on, Dick, we're outa here."

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


THREE NASTY GERMS

A young couple were married and they were having
sex all the time during their honeymoon. When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and
every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in
the sack at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife
came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu
shot. The shot killed all the germs inside her except for
three.

These three germs were huddled together inside her body
talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her
left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right
ear...I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when
that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"


Hole
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same
request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same
lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also.
What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't", he responded. "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
"I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

TRUCK DRIVER

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"


"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.


Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".


Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".

"That's okay", replied the priest.

"I got him with the door!

ANSWERED PRAYER

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bend down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, the figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But, as he moved a little further forward... the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air — out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asker her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." (You can see where this is going.)

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat, and really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her!"

 

[Vortexy]

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Phew.. lost like 1k peds to crafting ore amps 101. Note to self : Craft only when you hit a hof! Hunting however is breaking even so technically I get FOC skills. Now down to my last 200 peds. Gotta make best use of it else......

Saw a few 'uber' high HoFs in hunting and crafting. MA sure knows how to tempt a guy/gal.


Generous Barber

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest
tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused
saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber
found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again
the barber refused payment saying, "You protect the
public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts
at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again
the barber refused payment saying, "You serve the justice
system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers
waiting for a haircut.

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Hooker Handjob

Harry and his wife are having rough financial times,
so they both decide that she'll become a hooker until
things smooth over a bit. She's not quite sure what
to do so Harry says, "Just stand in front of that bar
and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred
bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around
the corner." Five minutes later a guy pulls up and says,
"How much?" She replies, "A hundred dollars." Disappointed
he says, "Damn! All I've got is thirty." She thinks
for a second and then says, "Hold on." She runs back
to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
He tells her that she can give him a handjob. She runs
back and tells the guy that all he can get for thirty
bucks is a handjob. He agrees and she gets in the car
with him. He unzips his pants and pulls out this abnormally
large cock. She stares at it for a minute and then says,
"I'll be right back!" She runs back around the corner
and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy
seventy bucks?!?!?!?!?!"


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

The Perfect Day

The "Perfect Day" for Her:

8:15AM Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30AM Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday

8:45AM Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ & croissants.

9:15AM Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.

10:00AM Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal
trainer.

10:30AM Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00PM Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.

12:45PM Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30
lbs.

1:00PM Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3:00PM Nap.

4:00PM 3 dozen roses delivered by florist from secret
admirer.

4:15PM Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.

5:30PM Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the
mirror.

7:30PM Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00PM Hot shower.

10:30PM Make love.

11:00PM Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11:15PM Fall asleep in his big strong arms.



The "Perfect Day" for Him:

6:00AM Alarm.

6:15AM Blowjob.

6:30AM Massive dump while reading sports section of
USA Today.

7:00AM Breakfast, filet mignon & eggs, toast & coffee.

7:30AM Limo arrives.

7:45AM Stoli Bloody Mary en route to airport.

8:15AM Private jet to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI
& WSJ)

9:30AM Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

9:45AM Front nine at Augusta (2 under).

11:45AM Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3
Heinekens.

2:15PM Blowjob.

2:15PM Back nine at Augusta (4 under).

2:30PM Limo back to airport (Bombay martini, shaken,
2 olives).

3:15PM Private jet, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).

4:30PM Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249
lbs.)

5:00PM Private jet back home (blowjob at 30,000 feet).

6:45PM Shit, shower and shave.

7:00PM Watch CNN, Clinton resigns, Hillary animal video
authenticated.

7:30PM Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon > >
(1963), 20 oz. New York Steak.

9:00PM Remy Martin and Cuban Cohiba cigar.

9:30PM Sex with three women (at least 2 are bi).

11:00PM Massage and Jacuzzi.

11:45PM Bed (alone).

11:50PM 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves room.

11:55PM Sleep.

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Lawyers Vacations

For three years, a young attorney had been taking his
brief vacations at this country inn. The last time
he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we
could have gotten married, and the baby would have my
name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and
decided it would be better to have a bastard in the
family than a lawyer."

 

[Vortexy]

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Looks like most of the traders that quit the game are back (which makes it easier for me to dump my hides/wools/ores/armors) Temporarily quitting mining to concentrate on hunting and crafting. Don't worry.... skills are still with me so when I decided to continue, will be able to use a 211 right away.

Till then... will have to practice caution with my peds...


2 Midgets 2 Hookers

Two midgets pick up a couple of hookers and take then
to their Vegas hotel room for a little fun. After a
few cocktails and some dancing, the lights go out, but
the night doesn't go as planned. The first midget not
only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen
to his buddy grunting "One, two, three, huh!" over and
over. In the morning his pal asks him, "So how was it?"

"I can't believe how much it sucked," says the first
midget. "I couldn't get hard all night. I'm so ashamed."
The second midget answers, "You think that's bad? I
couldn't even get up on the bed!"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Nasty Talk

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

A: $3.99 a minute.

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Backseat Driver

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place...

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives
his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your
broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken
tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light
for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for
not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up
to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!".

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does
your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."


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Super Slam

One sunny day, Superman was flying around Metropolis
looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and
flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing
today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken webslinger
so he couldn't do anything.

Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted
Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything
because he needed to fix the Batcar.

Superman began flying around yet again and saw Wonder
Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a Metropolis
building. Superman thought to himself that if he was
faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and
screw Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened.
So Superman flew down, screwed her faster than a speeding
bullet and flew away.

Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?" The
Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know
but my ass is killing me!"

 

[Vortexy]

Monday, June 11, 2007

The next few weeks will be offloading a couple of items including bulk paints, bulk tailoring materials, AS-117, beast amp, fusil charade, weapon amps 101 - 104, Mats, ghost armor, various bps and other misc items. Not to worry, I am not quitting... Just helping my brother offload some of his items.


Slow Talker

These two guys meet after not having seen each other
for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?" The second guy - speaking
very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I
w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter
any more." The answer comes,

" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..
a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f
I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l
n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and then asks again
about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d
I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n
w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k
s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"


Nice Jugs

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Looking for Mice

A man and his wife have just finished having sex and
he is in the bathroom removing a condom. Unexpectedly,
his little boy walks in and says, "Daddy, what are you
doing?".

The father, not wanting to tell his young son what he
is really doing says, "Oh, I was just looking for mice".

The little boy looks puzzled, then says "What are you
doing? Fuckin' em?"

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Fart Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying
there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven
Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was
that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and
says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get
beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives
it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops
in the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."


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Old Mans Wedding Night

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they
got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up
three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does
that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said
the old man, "It means you can take your pick."


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

 

[Vortexy]

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Man... selling the uber items sure is harder than stackables. After selling out those items,, then have to search for a 200 ped ESI for my brother to chip out his skills (especially mining).

EU has underwent a few nice changes.

• Types of loots variables are increased.

• New bp discories are known.

Jokes

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABCHospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse,"

and charged them Rm.60 This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no
problems,
pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to
findout?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married And
we can't go to her house -

I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Sharilla Putrajaya charges Rm. 250, Mandarin Oriental charges Rm.280,
Le Meridian charges Rm.230.

We do it here for Rm.60, and I get that back from "Medical
Claim".......!

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Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is visiting this Indian Chief. He decides
to have some fun and tells the Chief, "Hey Chief, I
see ya got an old hound dog. Mind if I talk to him?"
"

Dog no talk!", replied the chief.

"Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi buddy, how ya doin?", says
the ventriloquist while petting the pooch".

"Oh, not bad", says the dog. "Chief feeds me good and
I just lay around the teepee.", came the reply from
the dog.

The Chief was amazed! The ventriloquist was having fun
so he says, "Hey Chief, I see you've got a horse outside
here. Mind if I talk to him?"

"Horse no talk!", replied the Chief.

"Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi fella, how ya doin?", say
the ventriloquist while rubbing the horses nose.

"Oh, not bad says the horse. Chief stays home a lot
anymore. I just hang around eating hay.", came the reply
from the horse.

Now the Chief was really amazed! The ventriloquist was
enjoying this so he says, "Hey Chief, I see you've got
some sheep outside here. Mind if I talk to them?"

"OH...SHEEP LIE...SHEEP LIE!!", replied the Chief.


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

What does it mean when the doctor says you have six months to live? You have five months to pay.

===============

When does a doctor suggest emergency surgery?

When he's ready for a new sports car.

============ =====

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored
and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"

===========

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No, of course not!"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!



[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Boss asks secretary "Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?"

"No", says the secretary.

"Great, Let's do lunch." the boss says.


=========

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living
room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either
married it or gave birth to it!

=========

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.


Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and
he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would
make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"

 

[Vortexy]

Laughter The Best Medicine

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar.
She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while.

Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around.

Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them
about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The
lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all
his friends take their turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a
Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"

She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore!"

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Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution - leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

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Little farm boy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farm boy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbor's to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

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I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.
My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a vacuum
cleaner!

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This guy is driving down the road filling his Zippo lighter with fluid
when he hits a bump in the road and spills fluid all over his arm.
He does his best to clean it up, but the fluid is still potent.
He proceeds to light his lighter and......... ...POOF.. ..... his arm
burst into flames. He tries to put out the fire with no luck. He rolls down his window and flaps his arm in the wind trying to extinguish the flames.
Just then, a police car pulls him over. The officer then handcuffs him
and carts him off to jail.
He is booked for......... ..possession of a "FIREARM"!!!!

 

[Vortexy]

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Man.. It has been a very busy week for me that I can hardly log into EU. When I relogged in yesterday, Baron told me that Byron went ahead and formed EA cadets without our knowledge! Though I know he meant well, this type of action without proper planning really irks me. Anyway after much discussion will go ahead with it and Baron is to temporarily lead the cadets group. This will help to filter the future EA members.


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


"I have to tell the truth," Mark said to Michelle. "While we've been dating, I've been secretly seeing a psychiatrist."
"Don't worry about it," said Michelle. "I've been secretly seeing a lawyer and a car salesman."


No Panties On!

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on.

He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties.

The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it.

The next day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She was grinning and had no panties on.

He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Her Lower Mouth!

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth it's got a moustache... It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not yet. . ."


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

`Doctor, you must help me.' she pleaded. `It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.'

`I see.' nodded the psychiatrist. `And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.'

`For God's sake, NO !!!' exclaimed the Nurse. `I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward.'

 

[Vortexy]

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

It has been a week since my last post.. Hopefully the next two weeks can log into EU more often. Need to post more HoFs Anyway still in the process of selling all Franklon's items. Man.. selling via EF is hard work...



[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

*Cat Went to Heaven*

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have
been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."


The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm
and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep
on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to
Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He
made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs,
and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller
skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.


About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound
asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is
everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my
life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have
been sending over are delicious!"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

The Creation of the Boobs

Seven wise men smarter than shit, decided to make a
pair of tits.

First was a miner who came from the ground, Grabbed
a shovel and made two mounds.

Next was a sculptor after being soothed, With skillful
hands he made them smoothed.

Third was a mattress maker who was a bit sleazy, But
worked on the boobs to make them squeezy.

Fourth came a tailor who could tuck and nip, At the
top of it he made a tip.

Fifth was a farmer that gave them milk, Coming from
the tip smooth as silk.

Sixth was a father that burst out and said, "If she
feeds the kids, I stay in Bed!"

Finally was a pimp who said with some spit, after licking
and sucking "This is definitely a tit!"


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]


OJ Collection

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in
L.A. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this
traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving."

He notices a police officer walking down the highway
in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and
says, "Excuse me, officer, what's the hold-up?"

"O.J. just found out the verdict, and he's all depressed.
He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's
threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself
on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million for the
Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection
for him."

The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected
so far."

The officer replies, "So far, ten gallons."

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

 

[Vortexy]

Picture time

Preparation for the beach at Santubong, Kuching, Sarawak, Malaysia

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Teeth barring time
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[Vortexy]

Picture

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[Vortexy]

Picture Time 2

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[Vortexy]

The Joys Of Grandchildren

Will leave you all something for the elderly this time.



My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and
then he asked, "Did you start at one?"

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At
last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting
them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from
a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We
picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking
this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No,
how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still,
a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm
four to six."

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more
than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said,
"How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change


'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means
carrying a child."

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties.
They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said
another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."




Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

 

[Vortexy]

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Phew, saw a few hoFs on feffs like 7k.. 9k.. wish it was mine. Loot has been bad after that hoF. Looks like weekend HoFs are higher than weekdays. Hmmmm.....

Franklon is now using the new BLP rifle (L) Nitroculus or something like that. Seems it is a killer weapon and at only 140%.

Jokes
A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!"


The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."

Coming in Last

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Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.

She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen ...the works.

Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.

Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new "body work."

When the exam was finished, he called her in.

"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis."

Bambi looked puzzled. "Osteo--what?"

"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."

Bambi giggled, blushed and said, "Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones quite often!"


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Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the
newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me
how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to
me all these years."

 

[Vortexy]

Sunday, July 15, 2007

At the end of the day, regardsless of what happens, family seems to be the one that we turn to. Stress from work, friends, personal business, financial, all seems to diminish when you have a wife and kids to cheer ya up!

EU seems to be doing good for me in Fury. Unfortunately loads of people now seems to hunt there and everytime a greendot appears in my radar, I lag for like 3 - 5 seconds. My last hunt still made 60 peds though no korrs.

Since my attachments is already at 9.7, I might consider investing some peds and getting my BPC.

JOKES

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded.

"I'm already trained."

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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing or lips to lip-read.



After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."



The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times!!

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A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"



The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

**************************************************

Gary, a traveling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard and got shelter with a farmer who had three daughters.

The farmer called him aside and told him, "Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be warned."

In the morning, Gary, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him, "How was your night, young man?"

"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it."

The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this fact to his close friend. He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his daughters away from trouble.

His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!"

*****************************************************

 

[Vortexy]

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Damn.. loads of work in the office with all the working papers to prepare for the government. Also visiting a few mayor out of state hence the preparations are killing me.

Monday and Tuesday was good. However yesterday and today I lost loads. Trying to reach BPC but that level 10 seems so near yet so far. Damn it! Lost 1.2k today in crafting oreamps 101. There goes all my profits from selling korrs 400. Sigh....

My own company seems to be heading off well. Though no contract sealed yet to date, a BIG potential is coming. A manufacturer with a 2.8 million Ringgit Malaysia electricity bill a month is considering my offer for energy management. Even at 5% of that.... Woot!

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

THE UGLY FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?



COME ON GUESS!








OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DONT BE A POOP!
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SHE TURNED INTO THE












FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's old....... NOT DEAD !!!!!


[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Joe and Mike were visiting one day and Joe said, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replied. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposited a urine sample in a small jar and took it to Wal-Mart. He put ten dollars into the machine and the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. Joe poured the sample into the slot and waited.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: "You have tennis elbow ... soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.

Ten seconds later the computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]