Vortexy's Diary

Laughter The Best Medicine

Cow Snatch
18-SX
Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he
sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000"

He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow
in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer
says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's
tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like
a woman.

Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says,
"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that
has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000, and
here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're
not worth shit."

Blonde Telegram

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the
family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years,
they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the
bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase
a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette
balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600
dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a
prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there,
if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive
out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the
bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells
her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to
send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She
walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to
send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought
a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul
it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to
help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has
$1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send
her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes,
she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word,
'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she
ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer
to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that
bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read
it very slow."

Bill Gates Money Story?

1. Bill Gates earns $250 every SECOND, that's about $20 million a DAY
and $7.8 billion a YEAR!







2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up
because in the 4 seconds it takes to pick it up, he would have already
earned it back.







3. U.S's national debt is about $5.62 trillion. If Bill Gates wants to
pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.








4. He can donate $15 to everyone on earth and still be left with $5
million for his pocket money.







5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in the U.S. If he
doesn't drink and eat, and keep his annual income at $30 million,
he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is
today.







6. If Bill Gates were a country, he will be the 37th richest country on
earth.







7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to $1 bills, you can make a
road from earth to moon 14 times back and forth. But you will have to
make that road non-stop for 1400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING
747 planes to transport all the money.







8. Bill Gates will be 42 this year. If we assume that he still can
live for another 35 years, he has to spend $6.78 million per day to
finish his money before his death.



The Best Part……………………..





9. BUT!!! If we the Microsoft Windows users claim $1 for every time
their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will go
bankrupt in 3 years.

Monday, April 10, 2006

A lot has happened since I discovered this forum. Met Flamedancer, Sob, and many more in PE after knowing them here. And who can forget Lykke, VF and the others that filled this forum with a 'personal touch'. At least we can put a face to the avatar.

I am glad that our common interest in PE has brought us all here today.
:Grouphug:


On a Train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were
both married to other people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would
you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a
second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

50 Rules For Men

50 Rules for Men

A Woman's 50 Rules for Men

For those of you who are guys, pay close attention to
the following:

1. Call.

2. Don't lie.

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the
girls.

5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers,
remember the zoo rules: No petting.

6. The correct answer to, "Do I look fat?", is never,
ever, "Yes."

7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood
is bad.

9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants
is bad.

10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag",
"Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.

12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a
felony.

13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier,
or better in bed.

15. Her cooking is excellent.

16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

17. Dish soap is your friend.

18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal
soap, and warm does not equal clean.

19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody"
is never going to end that conversation.

21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

22. Two words: clean socks.

23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive
when you're drunk.

24. Burping is not sexy.

25. You're wrong.

26. You're sorry.

27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse
on your cool car than you think she is.

28. Ditto for your discourse on football.

29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning
in a single bound.

30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together"
is bad.

31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything
she feels like at that particular moment in time, and
it could change without notice.

34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using
her toothbrush.

You don't clean plaque with your tongue.

35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 p.m.

36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it,
just do it.

38. If you want to break up with her, break up with
her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it
for you.

39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

41. Always, always suck up to her brother.

42. Think boxers.

43. Silk boxers.

44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary"
she so names.

45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.

46. Her haircut is never bad.

47. Don't let your friends pick on her.

48. Call.

49. Don't lie.

50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.
The fact that she has to go through labor while you
sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't
fair either, and it balances everything.

Picture Time! (I can see that smile forming... )

Safe Sex Dress?

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

One Big Mac pls...

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Dinner Time?

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Who Is With Who?

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Part 2

Friendly Signboard

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Low Quality Bench?

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Dog Couple

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Honest Tshirt

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Part 3

Fancy a Book?

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Blonde Car

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Need Money for Research?

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Wow... loot sux again. Guess it comes in waves. Got a few tt crap. Bots are even worse. Guess the 16k HoF drained the loot pool.


Hung Chow

Hung Chow calls in to work and says. "Hey boss, I not
come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach
ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you
today, when I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell
her to give me sex. That makes everything better and
I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what
you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got
nice house!"

Laughter The Best Medicine

Car Trouble

Sidney is cruising along the highway when his car starts
misfiring, losing power and, finally, stalling. Sidney
steers the car to the side of the road and tries to
re-start the engine without any luck. He calls AAA
whose service man arrives a short while later, listens
to the Sidney's account of the car's failure and lifts
the hood of the car to start work. As he knows nothing
about engines, Sidney wanders off a little way for a
smoke. As he is returning to his car, the engine suddenly
starts and runs without a single misfire or puff of
smoke from the exhaust. "Brilliant!" declares Sidney,
"You managed to fix it. Was it easy to do?". "Yeah",
says the AAA service man "Just shit in the carburetor".
Sidney thinks for a second and says, "OK. How often
should I do that then?"


The Blind Salesman

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a fishing rod and reel
for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which
one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the
counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing
dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about
this fishing rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll
drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you
need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter
anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod
with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. test line. It's a good
all around combination, and it's on sale this week for
£44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just
by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take
it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the
floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally
farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises
there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was
she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says "That'll be £58.50
please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44? How did
you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but
the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

You are living in 2006?

You know you're living in 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.


7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.


8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.


10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.


11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.


12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.


13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.


14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.


15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.


16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.


17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing


18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.


19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.


20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

What is Love?

What is Love?

Love is a slow Kiss goodnight.
(It's Anticipation)

Love is an Imperfection
in yourself not bothering you.
(It's Acceptance)

Love is passing up an Opportunity
because the Time isn't right yet.
(It's Patience)

Love is a Back massage that starts above
the hairline and ends around the insoles.
(It's Exploration)

Love is not having to say
"Let's make love"
because you know what to do.
(It's Humor)

Love is being told
"Stop and I'll kill you"
(It's Desire)

Love is reviewing the damage
to your living room
and realizing personal effects
are strewn in a clockwise pattern
from the front door to the bedroom.
(It's Abandonment)

Love is seeing what your lover
really looks like for the first time.
(It's Truth)

Love is knowing what time it is
and not caring.
(It's Joy)

Love is the arms around you
tightening their embrace.
(It's Ecstasy)

Love is seeing a new side
of a person you thought you knew.
(It's Renewal)

Love is telling a person if you have
to leave you will let them sleep
and being told they would
rather be woken.
(It's Tenderness)

Love is waking up to find the subject
of the dream you were having asleep
on your shoulder.
(It's where Fantasy meets Reality)

Love is being there
to wake your lover - Slowly.
(It's Sensuousness)

Love is belately knowing
why you bothered
to buy a queen-size bed
three years ago.
(It's Practicality)

Love is two people only taking
up a third of a queen-size bed.
(It's Closeness)

Love is knowing you gave the extra set
of keys to your apartment
to the right person.
(It's Trust)

Love is saying good-bye
and knowing you will be back
by mutual consent.
(It's Faith)

Love is stretching your arms
and discovering the real meaning
of the word "sore".
(It's a Lesson in human frailty)

Love is opening your medicine cabinet
and finding your tube of toothpaste
turned into a pretzel.
(It's Adaptation)

Love is sitting at the window,
looking out
and remembering who you
were with the night before.
(It's Reflection)

Love is hearing the weather forecast
for a winter storm
and wishing you could spend it in
bed with your lover.
(It's Loneliness)

Love is stories
that will never be told.
(It's Personal)

Love is a slow kiss goodnight.........
XXXOOO

Laughter The Best Medicine

3 girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven.
Upon entering
the gate they were halted by Peter. Peter asked the
girls, "Before
entering you must answer this simple question.

"Which is ...?", they asked in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got
married and was still
virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said Peter. "give this girl... the golden
key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second
girl. "Oh,quite
good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married
but was not
after I got married." "Very good", said Peter. "give
this girl... the
silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all",she said. "I practically have sex
with every guy I
met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime,
anyhow".

"Very good", said Peter. " give this girl.......my
room key."

Laughter The Best Medicine

A dosage of today's medicine.

Efficient Waiter
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open
table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the
table with his elbow. A nearby waiter quickly reached
into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and
set it on the table. The diner was very impressed.

"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
he asked.

The waiter replied,"Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency
expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our customers
knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons
with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The man proceeded to finish his meal and went to pay
the waiter. As he paid he commented "Forgive the intrusion,
but do you know that you have a string hanging from
your fly?

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the
same efficiency expert determined that we spend too
much time washing our hands after using the men's room.
So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis.
When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go to the
bathroom, and return to work. Having never touched
myself, there is no need to wash my hands. It is very
efficient!"

"Wait a minute," queried the diner, "how do you get
your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use
the spoon."

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Been playing this game for a year now. So far deposited USD 10 and have gone quite far with it. Seeing all the others withdrawing has made me think whether to withdraw some myself. I could use the $$$.

Still contemplating on selling my evade as some of the EF forumers advised that it was a bad idea.

Choices, choices! PE IS like real life.

Q&A

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

Laughter The Best Medicine

"Horn Beep"
One day while driving with my then 4 year old
daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident".
She replied "I know that, Daddy."
I replied, "How'd you know?"
Melanie said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK'
afterwards!"


"Loose Chickens"

The farmer's son was returning from the market
with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted
to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke
open. Chickens scurried off in different directions,
but the determined boy walked all over the
neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and
returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he
had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned
home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed
sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed.
"You left with seven."


"Ways Life Would Change If Men Got Pregnant"

1. Maternity leave would last two years...with full pay!
2. There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
{Eg: You want me to push this through WHAT?!!}
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's
No. 1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be improved
to 100% effectiveness.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until
they were toilet-trained and over the "Terrible Twos."


"Things Not To Say To A Cop"
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold
my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar
detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125
mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Weeee... made it to the HoF board again.

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Also got a smal global with my disciple.


Women...

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"........

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Been busy with work and meetings that limited my time in PE.

Anyway crafting seems ok these days that it has been my new activity. Usually 80% return or slightly above which is ok. With the metal residues, can cover the cost as they are around 115 - 120%.

Other than that our soc chat seems to be quiet (way different from Jurai Blood's Soc chat).

Nicknames

These three women were sitting around one night talking
about there boyfriends when they decided they would
give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain
Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always
wants to do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up'
because he has Seven inches and it is always up!"

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'."

The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But
that's a hard liquor."

The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"



The Return

A woman walks into Target to return a faulty toaster
she just purchased the day before. She walks up to
the Customer Service counter and slams the toaster down.
The pimple-faced boy looks up and says,"Welcome to Target.
May I help you?" The woman glares at him and says,
"I'd like to return this toaster I bought yesterday."
The boy, looking puzzled, asks,"Ok, ma'am. Do you have
your receipt?" She shakes her head no. The clerk then
says,"I'm sorry ma'am, without a receipt, you cannot
make a return." The woman begins to yell,"Grab my breasts!
Grab my breasts!" The boy is embarrassed and confused.
He looks around and spots his manager; frantically,
he beckons him over. "Sir, this lady would like to return
this toaster she bought yesterday." The manager looks
at the woman and says,"Do you have a receipt?" Once
again, the woman says no. "I'm sorry, the Target policy
states that we cannot take returns without a receipt."
Suddenly, the woman begins to shout again, "Grab my
breasts! Grab my breasts!" The manager looks at her
and says,"Why do you keep saying to grab your breasts?"
The woman looks at him and says,"Because, I like to
have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting fucked!"

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Yesterday made it into the Hof Board again. Only this time crafting?

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Despite the rumours that you will loose BIG for the initial crafts, so far I am making peds through crafitng!


Shiny New Motorcycle
An engineering student was walking across campus when
another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a great bike?", asked the first.

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice;
the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Friday, April 21, 2006

After a series of globals and Hof, lost around 1300 peds alone yesterday. Guess there is ups and downs in everything. Have yet to collect some stuff from Lykke. The rest of the bids via this forum, I have successfully met the sellers in PE.

Got a garnet with no use at all. Looks like it is going to the trade terminal (all 150 ped of it).

Real life work stress is up. PRessure is coming from the top brass for me to meet my branch's targets.


Young Priests First Confession

A young priest just out of Seminary arrives at his assigned
Parish on a Saturday afternoon. Father O'Malley tells
him that everyone is busy with church business and would
he please hold confession? The young priest is more
than happy to help and steps in to begin. A lady enters,
kneels and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned.
It's been quite a long time since I've been to confession.
I have to tell you I've had pre-marital sex". Fresh
in his mind was the class on penance and he immediately
gave 2 Our Fathers, 2 Hail Marys and told her to put
$5 in the church box.

She replied," Father, it's been a real long time since
I've last been to confession. I also have committed
oral sex". Again he was quick with the response and
penance. "3 Our Fathers and 4 Hail Marys and put another
$5 in the church box".

Without a pause, she spoke once more, "Father, it's
even been longer than you think since I've been to confession".
"I've even committed anal sex!" This time, he had no
idea what to give and told her to wait a minute. He
stepped out of the confessional and happened to see
one of the altar boys cleaning the altar for tomorrow's
mass. The priest called the boy over and inquired,
"What does Father O'Malley usually give for ANAL SEX?"
The boy replied, "Oh, he normally just buys us all a
Pizza!"


Indian Names

An Indian in his village walked up to the chief and
asked how he chose the names for the children of the
tribe. The chief told him that he looks around and what
he sees is what he names that child. The indian said,
"For example, if I see soaring eagle, then child's name
will be Soaring Eagle. If I see running stream, then
child's name will be Running Stream." The indian said,
"Oh! I see", and the chief said, "Tell me Two Dogs Fucking,
why ask?"

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Was losing like 1500 peds the last 3 days when suddenly a stroll with my disciple was rewarded. Even got into the HoF list!

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Guess from down, luck is going up again?

The 3 Moles

Once upon a time, there were three moles living together
in a mole-hole, a Papa Mole, a Mama Mole, and a Baby
Mole. One morning, the Papa Mole got up and stuck his
head out of the mole-hole.

"Mmm..." he said, "I smell pancakes!"

The Mama Mole got up and stuck her head out of the mole-
hole and said, "Mmm.... I smell butter!"

The Baby Mole wanted to smell for himself, but he was
much too short, but he took a whiff anyway and said,
"Mmm.... I smell molasses!"

Points To Ponder

Once in a lifetime

Think about this one...

Next month, (on Thursday, 4th of May ) at two minutes and three seconds
after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be

01:02:03 04/05/06.

This won't ever happen again in our lifetime...

Laughter The Best Medicine

19 CLUES (For Women) YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN......

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.

2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the washroom.

3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy

Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.

6. You start crying.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. You've forgotten where you live.

12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).

19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.


Blonde at School

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy,
Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all
the other kids could only count to four, but I counted
to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good,"
said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet
today, and all the other kids could only say it to D,
but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very
good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today,
and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests,
but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal
a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, it's because
you're 25."

Smoking Dope or Doing Time

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking
dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd
like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs
forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said
to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well,
your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and
told them the big circle is your brain before drugs,
and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's
admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your
honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do
that!". "Well, I used a similar approach. I drew a
large and a small circle.

I said, pointing to the small circle, "This is your
asshole before prison..."

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Looks like globals in Entropia Universe has seasons. Previously was atrox, then agros and now corns! Waiting for chirpie season.

New VU is nice. At least now I can chat while crafting. (previously whenever I press the menu keys during crafting, it will go haywire.

Last two days sux big time. Lost like nearly 1k peds through hunting and mining. Thank god I broke even through crafting (though surprisingly).

Indoor Plumbing

A guy from the Deep South comes to New York and the
indoor plumbing amazes him. He's so intrigued by the
way the toilet works that he goes to the Sewage Disposal
Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him
to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements.
As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says,
"You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong
to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican.
See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds?
And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman
or a Jap...see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And
this next one is surely from a queer." The hick says,
"How can you tell?" The inspector says, "It's dented
on one end."

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Ooops we did it again! Our 4th global together and it is at twins again!

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Looks like agro season is back!


The Parrot


A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are
not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes
to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store
he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders
down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the
perch?"

The parrot says, "With my dick, you dummy!"

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well
for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated
parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, and
most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you are exactly what I am looking
for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed
parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll
bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things
go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells
him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost,
the Pope did so and so, etc.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the
door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this,
but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the
door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the
lips."

The guy says, "Oh, that was probably a momentary flight
of passion."

The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did?"

The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and
started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God! What happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and
fell off my perch."

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 (Part 2)

Rarely (as a matter of fact this is the first time!) that I am writing two entries in a day. Though did not get Donald as a disciple I did had three consolations.

Lately been receiving nice comments from people who had read my diary (and plus rep too! ). Nice to know that this diary is appreciated by many.

• My diary entry has impacts on others

• My current disciple Governator Chang is 99%!

• My long lost disciple (who was at 36% in 3 days) that was offline for 6months had came back! Yippee

Cant wait to see what item I am getting from Governator Chang's graduation. It has been a nice one month journey for the both of us. Then.... there is my long lost disciple who came back (he was the 2nd highest after Chang). Naissus Lazar. Nice guy who had no internet connection for 6 months!

All in all, eventful day for me.


Pigs and the Farmer


A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting
pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should
do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should
try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting
to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone.
Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination,
the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate
the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup,
drove down to the woods, and shagged them all.

The next day he called the vet again, and asked how
he would know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told
him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but
when he looked not even one was lying down. So he loaded
them up in his pickup again, drove them to the woods,
and shagged them all again.

To his dismay they were all standing the next morning.
So, again he loads the pigs in his truck, drives them
to the woods and shags them for the third time.

By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his
wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see
what the pigs are doing. She says, "Hmmm - that's weird,
they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing
the horn".

Friday, April 28, 2006

Woo Hoo! Another crap Mentor Edition item...

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Wish it was a ML-35 ME. Anyway my third disciple (the long lost one) has risen from 36 to 41%. Looks like a third ME item coming.

Diary of a Blonde Cook

Monday: Now home from our honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's
fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe
said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I only had four bowls, so I had
to borrow eight more from the neighbors to beat the eggs in, but the
cake turned out fine!

Tuesday: I thought I'd surprise Bill with a fruit salad for supper. The
recipe said "serve without dressing". Bill happened to bring a friend
home for supper, and did they ever look surprised when I served that
salad!

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a
bath before steaming the rice. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It
said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour
before serving." I went next door to my Mom's garden and tossed my salad
into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would
not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all
ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my
mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe,
because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left
it.

Saturday: Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked
me to dress it for dinner. I sure don't know how chickens dress for
dinner, but I found an old scarf and made a cute little pair of pants
for it! I thought it looked darling! When Bill saw it he made a funny
strangling sound and then counted very slowly to 10!

Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but
all we had in the fridge was hamburger. So I put the hamburger in my new
oven and set the control for "roast". The oven must not be working right
because it still came out hamburger!
Monday: I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and
knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just
won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk!

HoF

4th HoF above 1k.

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]



My USD 10 investment is 'stretched'.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Was promoted to Captain today. So now am a captain of the BAHQ Cadets. (Changed sig accordingly).

Other than that got a 405 allo and 70 esto with malice. Not bad for a day's hunt.

Got a taste of Vat-110. EXCELLENT weapon. Reload was 0.8 seconds. Killed esto dominant with more than half life left.

Strip Show

Thirteen year old Mike came running out of a strip show
where he had just seen a stripper in action. "Why are
you in such a hurry?" asked the manager. The young man
skidded to a stop and replied excitedly, "My mother
told me that if I ever looked at anything bad I would
turn to stone, and think I have just started!"

Laughter The Best Medicine

At The Trial

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting
attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed,
"that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise
this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though
he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars
to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness
still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please
answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking
to you."



Lawyers

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a
question if they aren't prepared
for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small
town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness to the stand - a
grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you
know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you,
Mr.Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
big disappointment to
me.You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big
shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the
defense attorney?" She
replied,
"Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngs ter too! He's
lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different
women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge
asked both counselors to
approach the bench and in a very quiet voice
said, "If either of you
bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw
your sorry asses in jail for contempt."


The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see a
rather dignified well-dressed,
good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive
ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to
the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten
one-hundred dollar bills, gave
them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After
an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again,
demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that none had ever come back
two nights in a row...... too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The
price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to
Natalie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he
had come for the third consecutive night, but he
paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever hired me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "Kansas City, Missouri."

"Really" she said. "I have family in Kansas
City."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I
am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000
inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in
life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer



It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs
ARRANGED. It's like asking
someone, if suicide is better than being
murdered.



Equation:

7 Glances = 1 Smile

7 Smiles = 1 Meeting

7 Meetings = 1 Kiss

7 Kisses = 1 Proposal

7 Proposals = 1 Marriage - And that 1 Bloody
marriage has 7777777777777 Problems. So beware of a glance!

Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;

1. Too Many Questions.
2. Difficult to Understand.
3. More Explanation is Needed.
4. Result is always FAIL!


Liar:

A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him,
"Dad, why do u keep telling
people u're dying of AIDS?"

Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch
ur mom!"



Delivered:

Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two
seconds later a report came to his phoneand he started
dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".


Chinese Adam & Eve:
If Adam and Eve were Chinese we would still be
in paradise because
they would have ignored the apple and eaten the
snake.


Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension
and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and
Panic is when BOTH are pregnant.

Monday, May 1, 2006

Woo Hoo! Today is Labour day! So I guess most of us are on holiday. Someone struck 61k with falx stalker (that is 6.1k USD). Uber gratz to him. Did not hunt much as the loot seems a bit dry.

Spent all my $$$ buying ores/minerals, KAtsuichi Honor (for + 140) and some other stuff.

My third active disciple is steadily advancing. Today he is at 42%. Soon will get my third ME item. Looking for more disciples at the moment.


Archaeologist
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

A: Give him a tampax and ask him which period it came
from.