Vortexy's Diary

Vortexy · Jun 24, 2006

Sweet Story...

A couple had only been married for two weeks, the
husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to
go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have
a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened
the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different
countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing
that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...
But at the bar.. You know... They have frozen
glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass,
Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the
freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie
Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres
that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be
right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened
the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT
THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND
EAT YOUR F*&#+&ING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED
ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT CRAP IS OVER,
GOT IT, NUMBNUTS?" . . .
. . . . . And, they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?

Vortexy · Jun 26, 2006

Monday, June 26, 2006

Franklon finally graduated. Worse fear came true. Got another blade!

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

To date so far 3 disciples have graduated.

Items received were :-
1. Alpha BLP
2. Enblade - 4
3. Enblade - 4

Next should be Corwin BS (at 88%)

Playing Cards

Billy was walking down the hall and he heard his parents
going at it and he hollered to his dad, "Dad! Dad! what
are you doing?" His father replied, "I am playing cards."
Little Billy asked, "Who is your partner?" The dad
said, "Why your mother." So the little boy went on.
A couple of days later, Billy's father is walking down
the hall and heard this racket going on in Billy's room.
And he hollered in there, "Billy what are you doing?"
Billy replied, "I am playing cards." His dad kinda froze
and got real oozy and he said, "Who is your partner?"
And Billy replied, "With a hand this good you don't
need a partner!!!!!!

Judge Hears The Case

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company responsible
for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's
fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you
say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?", asked
the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the
scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer
Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear
what the man has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and
was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-
truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway
patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning
and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked
at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his
gun in his hand and looked at me."

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
her. How are you feeling?"

Vortexy · Jun 28, 2006

Laughter The Best Medicine

Request of a Sexy Woman

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender, who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face
closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his
full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his
face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she
said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his
hair. I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is
there anything I can do?

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across his lips and slyly popping
a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper,
handsoap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Doctors Office Etiquette

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help
you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you."
he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said.
"Please go outside and come back in and say that there's
something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong
with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it.", the man replied.

Cop on Horseback

A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to
him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice
bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?" The kid
says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to
put a taillight on that bike." The kid says, "Nice
horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The
cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next
year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of
on top."

Vortexy · Jun 29, 2006

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Damn broke.

Had to tt most of my stuff (including 2 other hydraulic manifolds) but reserving one for Deathtifier. Even had to sell my newly acquired ME item.

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Hope my last 30 peds will create a 'miracle'. :dunno:

Signs You Have Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any
of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14.You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's
leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead
of asking "Oh Sh*t what the hell happened?"

Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately
for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find
one to save your sorry old butt. Now send this to a
bunch of your "old" friends so they can do the same.
I'm sure they will enjoy it as much as you did.

Vortexy · Jul 4, 2006

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

Had financial problem both in game and in real life. This sux..

Worse case scenario would be me withdrawing from EU and selling all my skills (which would technically solved both problems) but then I will miss out on the best virtual game ever.

Sigh.... Hope a miracle comes soon. Hate to think about $$$ 24/7.

Coming Home Late

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when
one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't
know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before
I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast
into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into
the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in
the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously
taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway,
slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into
the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's
butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' ...and she's always
sound asleep."

Pumping Gas

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near
Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel so Bill pulls
into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes
out and begins to pump gas into the First couple's gas
tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger
window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school,
do you remember me?", he asks. They chat for a few minutes,
Bill pays and the First couple leaves. As they drive
off, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks
over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think
what it would be like if you had married him instead
of me", he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then
she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and
he would be the President."

No Class

Well there was this teacher and she told the students
that they could get out of class on Monday if they could
answer the question. FIRST QUESTION: Who said the following
"Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death." A little boy in
the back said Patrick Henry. Teacher exclaimed very
good you can skip monday. Well Next Question: Who said
the following "I Have A Dream?" A little black boy said
it was Martin Luther King. Teacher exclaimed very good
No class on Monday. Little Black Boy said I've got to
go to class and get an education. A little white boy
in the back stood up and said "STUPID !!!!!!!!!" The
teacher exclaimed WHO SAID THAT! The boy exclaimed Mark
Furman SEE YOU ON TUESDAY TEACHER.

Too Drunk to Walk

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him
falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy
and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off
again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, "Where
do you live?".

Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car,
puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When
they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out
of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting
to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the
guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, "Hello,
I've brought your husband home."

The wife looks at the man and asks, "Where's his wheel
chair?"

Vortexy · Jul 7, 2006

Friday, July 7, 2006

I love the new VU. Average loot seems much better (with ads enabled of course).

Got back 150% as compared to ammo spent (after repairing armor and amp maybe left 20% profit. Not bad.

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-
mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well,
that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough,
I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember,
if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips
to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers
in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage
and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with
a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's
his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier,"
she replies.

Vortexy · Jul 10, 2006

Laughter The Best Medicine

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom saw an envelope propped up prominently on the bed.

The letter read:

Dear Mum, I eloped with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and dad.

John is the love of my life.

I love all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes.

By the way, I'm pregnant.

John said that we will be very happy together.

He wants to have many more children with me.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for Aids so John can get better.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

One day we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it's safe for me to come home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat
ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of
having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.

Second Date: You get even more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his
girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in andyou live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

MALAY WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two
sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's
girlfriend's mother, her two cousins all move in.
But don't worry you can repeat this 4 times.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire arab community finds out.

Second Date: You are shot dead.

No third date.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t even watch the ending.

Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

“So,” the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off, did it?”

“No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind.I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman,"yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a 308."

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!"

"What did I do?" he asked.

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an ax!'"

Vortexy · Jul 14, 2006

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Loots at Limna has really been bad. Though got a few 20 pedders, return rate has dropped to around 60%.

BAHQ is preparing for LG, though I doubt I will be able to get 140 health in time to join BAHQ. Other requirements like 60 agility and 140k skills is achievable.

Need a HoF soon or will have to follow my other forum mates in selling out items.

The Exam

The college professor had just finished explaining an
important research project to his class. He emphasized
that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing
his class, and that there would be only two acceptable
excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable
illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand
and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion,
professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded
in laughter. When the students had finally settled down,
the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn
to write with your other hand."

Doing the Dishes

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds
one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever
it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where
the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having
him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his
new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting
for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight,
don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a
fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done
any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has
to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described
it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen,
and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have
a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on
the table and drills her in front of her parents. His
girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously
livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down,
but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the
table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend
is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little
happier. But still there is complete silence at the
table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and
it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He
jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing
this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table
and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE FUCKING
DISHES!!"

40 Years To Live

A woman is walking down the street and she hears this
voice say to her "You're going to live another 40 years"
... she walks a little further and again this angelic
voice whispers to her .... "You're going to live another
40 years." So she hurries home and calls a plastic
surgeon and tells him she wants the works .... new breasts,
face lift, liposuction, she has everything lifted and
fixed that is possible and she dresses all up to leave
the hospital and walks out and no sooner goes to cross
the street and a truck runs her over and kills her.

So she goes to heaven and says, "But God, why did you
do this to me? You told me I was going to live another
40 years...." God said...."I didn't recognize you"

Elderly Woman Betting

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one
morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open
a savings account and insisted on talking to the president
of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client
is always right) an employee took the elderly woman
to the president's office. The president of the bank
asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed
her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000." The
president was curious and asked her how she had been
able to save so much money.

The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president
was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly
woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles
are square." The president started to laugh and told
the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the
president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly," replied the president. "I bet you $25,000
that my testicles are not square." "Done," the elderly
woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved,
if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No
problem," said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about
the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror
examining his testicles, turning them this way and that,
checking them over again and again until he was positive
that no one could consider his testicles as square and
reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose
the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that
the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as
the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman
asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer
could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better
and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of
course," said the president.

"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100%
sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging
his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman
why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably
because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in
the morning I would be holding the balls of the President
of the Bank of Canada!"

Vortexy · Jul 17, 2006

Thought Of The Day

Touching Story And A Good Reminder :

"Take time to appreciate what you have now."
On the last day before Christmas, I hurried to go to the supermarket to buy
the remaining of the gift I
didn't manage to buy earlier. When I saw all the people there, I started to
complain to myself," It is going to take forever here and I still have so
many other places to go. Christmas really is getting more and more annoying
every year. How I wish I could just lie down, go to sleep and only wake up
after it..." Nonetheless, I made my way to the toy section, and
there I started to curse the prices, wondering if after all kids really
play with such expensive toys.

While looking in the toy section, I noticed a small boy of about 5 years
old, pressing a doll against his chest.
He kept on touching the hair of the doll and looked so sad. I wondered who
was this doll for. Then the little boy
turned to the old woman next to him, "Granny, are you sure I don't have
enough money?"

The old lady replied, "You know that you don't have enough money to buy
this doll, my dear."
Then she asked him to stay here for 5 minutes while she went to look
around. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I started
to walk toward him and I asked
him who did he want to give this doll to. "It is the doll that my sister
loved most and wanted
so much for this Christmas. She was so sure that Santa Claus would bring it
to her."

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus will bring it to her, after all,
and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can not bring it to her where
she is now. I have to give the doll to my
mother so that she can give it to her when she goes there." His eyes were
so sad while saying this. "My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says
that Mummy will also go to see God very soon, so I thought that she could
bring the doll with her to give it to my sister."

My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said, "I told
daddy to tell mummy not to go yet. I asked him
to wait until I come back from the supermarket."

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing.He then told me, "I also want mummy to take this photo with her so that she will
not forget me." I love my mummy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister." Then he looked
again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and took a few notes and said to the boy,
"What if we checked again, just in case if you have enough money?" "Ok," he said. "I hope that I have enough." I added some of my money to his without
him seeing
and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll, and even some
spare money. The little boy said, "Thank you God for giving me enough
money." Then he looked at me and added, "I asked yesterday before I slept
for God to make sure I have enough money to buy this doll so that mummy can give it to my sister. He heard me." "I also wanted to
have enough money to buy a white rose for my mummy, but I didn't dare to
ask God too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and the white
rose." "You know, my mummy loves white rose." A few minutes later, the old
lady came again and I left with my trolley. I finished my shopping in a
totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy
out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local newspaper article 2 days ago, which mentioned of a drunk man in a truck who hit a car
where there was one young lady and a little girl. The little girl died
right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to
decide whether to pull the plug on the life-assisting machine, because the
young lady would not be able to get out of the coma. Was this the family of
the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper
that the young lady had passed away.
I couldn't stop myself and went to buy a bunch of white roses and I went to the mortuary where the body of the young
woman was exposed for people to see and make last wish before burial. She
was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful
white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed
over her chest.

I left the place crying, feeling that my life had been changed forever. The
love that this little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to
this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk man had
taken all this away from him.

Don't Drink And Drive!

Vortexy · Jul 19, 2006

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Wow... Loot has certainly improved this week. At least I can comfortably breath rather than hunting on a minimum basis (ie. 40 ped ammo with half dead amp). Hopping for my 5 digit HoF or ATH soon.

Anyway the next 2 - 3 days will be spent hunting atrax and longus to participate in Akoz's & Neomaven's competition for that adjusted fap.

Below is a mind boggling game that I am currently hooked to.

Sudoku!

The instructions (I was too lazy to type)

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Simple Sudoku

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Step 1

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Step 2

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Step 3 and above is up to you! :wise:

Vortexy · Jul 21, 2006

Laughter The Best Medicine

The Delivery

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks
to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was
no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for
the laboring mother, and her five-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high,
so he could see while he delivered the baby. The child
did so, as the mother pushed, and after a little while,
the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked
him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the five-year-old what he thought
of the baby?

"Hit him again," said the lad. "He shouldn't have crawled
up there in the first place!"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Twins

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,
to the hospital when his car went out of control and
crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother,
a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at
his bedside.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother
replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have
a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real
hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since
both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them
for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has
he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what
did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!
What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

A Wedding Promise

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the
pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding
vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise
to "love, honor and obey" and "forsaking all others,
be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd
just leave that part out." He passed the minister a
$100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and
groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where
the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's
vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and
says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her,
obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast
in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever
even look at another woman, as long as you both shall
live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny
voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought
we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered
back: "She made me a much better offer."

Vortexy · Jul 22, 2006

Saturday, July 22, 2006

It is that time again when you lost everything. :laugh:

Gotta sell some of my items to keep on hunting.

If any of you have guess.... NO, I am not gonna deposit. My initial investment of USD 10 has broguht me this far so will keep it that way.

These days loot seems to be either large or nothing. :dunce:

Guess that is MA's way of keeping the ubers/big depositors in the game for that one chance of ATH. Heck, I will admit it. I was aiming for it too. :laugh:

Anyway.... May The HoF/ATH Be With Us!

Newborn

This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the
doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something
about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with
my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly,
but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is
a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of
a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean
it has a penis... ...AND a brain?"

Abortion Bill

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval
Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion
Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?"
the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds
the President.

Generous Man

A man and a couple of his friends had just finished
a round of golf at the country club and they were changing
their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The
man picked it up and answered it.

"Hi honey," said the woman on the other end.

"Hi honey," replied the man.

"I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat
I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love
the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain.
It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?"

The man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're
sure it's a good deal?"

"Oh yes," replied the woman.

"Okay then, I guess you can get it," replied the man.

The woman continued,"Oh, and you know how we've been
thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting
a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and
the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the
price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get
it?"

The man thought a little harder and said,"If you're
sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the
Jaguar."

The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey.
Remember that house we saw last month that we really
liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well,
it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's
down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we
have enough in the checking account so that I can just
write a check. Should I get it?"

The man got a frown on his face and said,"See if you
can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to
that, go ahead and get it."

The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank
you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!"

"Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked
at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does
anyone know whose phone this is?"

Vortexy · Jul 22, 2006

Note Of Thanks

I would like to record a note of thanks to a dear friend who had helped me in time of need. You know who you are Mr T****s.

Vortexy · Jul 24, 2006

Laughter The Best Medicine

Bananas

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Stutterer

A gentleman decides to go on a cross-country trip.
He comes to a small town and realizes that he's getting
kind of hungry. He sees a young boy sitting on the
front steps to his house and decides to ask him.

"Y-Young m-m-man, c-could I t-t-trouble y-you for d-
d-directions to a g-good p-p-place t-to eat?"

The boy simply stares at him and says nothing.

The gentleman again asks: "I s-said, c-could y-y-you
p-please t-tell me wh-wh-where I could g-g-get something
t-to eat?"

The boy still just sits and stares at him.

After a few more times of asking and getting no response,
the gentleman rolls up his window and drives off.

The boy's mother walks out to the steps and says to
him, "You've lived in this town all your life...why
didn't you tell him where to get something to eat at??"

The boy then replied, "Y-you think I w-want t-t-to get
s-s-slapped?"

Big Trouble

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Wonderful Relationship

This couple had a wonderful relationship, or so the
man thought until one day he came home from work to
find his girlfriend packing. He asked her why she was
packing, and she replied that she had heard some horrible
things about him. He asked, "What could you have possibly
heard about me to make you want to move out?" "Someone
told me that you were a pedophile." He replied, "That's
an awfully big word for a ten year old."

Schlong

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Hicks and Rubbers

A pretty woman is driving down an Arkansas country road
in her new sports car when something goes wrong with
the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to
be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and
knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says
to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down!
I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night
until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the Arkansas farmer, "you can stay here,
but I don't want you messin' with my sons George and
Coy."

She looks through the screen door and sees two young
men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to
be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman
begins to get a little horny just thinking about the
two boys in the room next to her.

So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys,
how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the
world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She explains what she wants to do, then says, "The only
thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have
to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys,
and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later George and Coy are sitting on the
front porch, rocking back and forth.

George says, "Coy?"

Coy says, "Yeah, George?"

George says, "You remember that woman who came by here,
oh, about forty years ago, the one who showed us the
ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Coy, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks George.

"Nope," says Coy, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says George, "Let's take these things
off."

Vortexy · Jul 26, 2006

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Looted 2 13 pedder korrs from the feffs but all gone within 150 ammo each. Man.. they are really good! (and burn only 9 ammo)

Other than that have been breaking even the last 8 rounds. Hope to strike a HoF soon or else will have to sell some skills to make ends meet.

My friend Chang went for a long leave due to his finals and other events. Hope to see him soon.

My hopes to reach BAHQ before the next land grab looks quite bleak as have to reach 140 health with 140k skills and 60 agility (Agility is no prob

) Just have to work on the health (currently 119) and skills.

Golf Instruction

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither
of them are playing like they want to, so they decide
to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson
first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no,
no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like
you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits
the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man
goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife
can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches
her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the
club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's
penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes
a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the
fairway about 15 feet.

"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club
out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed
to!"

Vortexy · Jul 27, 2006

Thursday, July 27, 2006

After so many months (and years) playing PE/EU, had met so many other people from around the globe. Different people have different values/perception on things.

Anyway with regards to MA, basically the 'life' in EU is like a gamble. :laugh:

I went from looting a few pecs to a 1k - 3k HoF and back to the pecs again. :laugh:

Still waiting for that big one (maybe a 5 digit HoF/ATH).

Half of the friends I made 2 years ago are already withdrawing/left the game.
Good news is that they made $$$$.

The Chicken And The Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with
a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit
frustrated, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well,
I guess we finally answered THAT question!!"

Vortexy · Jul 29, 2006

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Been making ends meet by selling ores and smart hunting. My target mobs atm is allo/estos and agros. They seems to be the only mob that can provide regular 70 - 150% return on normal loots.

Tried my luck at amethra on thorios/big daikibas/ambus but no luck. However, I noticed that the mining frequency and size are slightly better than eudoria. Got a few sizable and ample there.

All in all, hope I don't have to deposit any more to keep on playing. Life is tough in EU. :laugh:

Barracks Door

Mr Smith hired a beautiful secretary. She was young,
polite and exceptionally well constructed. One day,
while taking dictation, she noticed that Mr Smith's
fly was open and upon leaving the office, she said "Oh,
Mr. Smith, did you know that the barracks door was open?"
He didn't understand her remark, but later noticed that
his zipper was undone and decided to have some fun with
his secretary. He called her into his office. "By the
way Miss Jones, when you saw that the barracks door
was open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing
to attention?" Although Miss Jones was young and polite,
she was quite witty. She replied, "Why no, Mr. Smith,
all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on an old duffle
bag."

All In A Name

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes
it's a gay bar but says, "What the heck, I really want
a drink".

When the gay waiter approaches and says to the customer
"What's the name of your penis?".

The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All
I want is a drink".

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you
until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of
your penis?".

The gay waiter says, "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT".

The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name
of my penis is Secret".

The waiter says, "SECRET?".

The customer says, "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN
BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!".

Vortexy · Aug 1, 2006

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Recently celebrated my daughter's Bday. Below are some pics...

Her favourite Sesame street character, elmo. Though the bakery got to brush up on her artwork...

Like daughter like father....

Some of her birthday gifts from my inlaws...

She will then pose in front of the mirror.....

A gift from me and my wife... (the bicycle)

Vortexy · Aug 3, 2006

Laughter The Best Medicine

Lobsters

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking
from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He
is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his
fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these
lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to
the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and
I take them for a walk only to return them at the end
of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is
illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns
to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then
watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show
me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

Remote

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Court Cases

THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT
CASES:

Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not
to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

----------------------------------------------------

From a defendant representing himself...

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole
your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who
stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

----------------------------------------------------

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

----------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the
prosecution.

Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should
be drowned at birth too.

----------------------------------------------------

Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand:

Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the
injuries you sustained while at work?

Plaintiff: Dr. J.

Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr.
J?

Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you
said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.

----------------------------------------------------

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a
juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

----------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.

Witness: I didn't see no fight.

Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.

Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and
as the men swung around and changed partners, they would
slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the
other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody
pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under
a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke
and bullets.

Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?

Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas
and the navel.

----------------------------------------------------

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another
lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested
in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on
the defendant's motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

----------------------------------------------------

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in
front of your name - not a damn thing.

----------------------------------------------------

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have
you anything to say in your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

----------------------------------------------------

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail):
Can I address the court?

Judge: Of course.

Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would
you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional
five days in jail.

Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law
against thinking.

Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

Bus Stop

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Life Of An Egg

Just think how bad the life of an egg is...

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get
soft.

You have to share a box with 11 other guys.

And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your
mother.

Vortexy · Aug 7, 2006

Monday, July 7, 2006

Damn it! Have to sold 3 full rifle chip as poverty sets in again. dropped from 4860 to 4400. Sigh... Anyway managed to raise 780 peds (an average 260 peds each) and all gone within 4 hours of hunting ambus and atrax... :laugh:

Anyway will try to get a global in those lands as the adj fap is like an ATH by itself. 34k fap...

Hard Financial Times

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,
so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand
in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a
hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked
around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and
says, "How much?

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says,
"Hold on."

She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for
thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A hand job". She runs back and tells the
guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He
says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants,
and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll
be right back." She runs back around the corner and
says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy
bucks?".

2 Babies

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting
for a train. Along came this woman, seeing the 2 cute
babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what
are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't
know".

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a
girl?".

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't
know".

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind
of a father are you?".

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a
condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am
taking back to my company."

One Beer Blonde

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was
working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took
a seat. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking
it for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold
on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and
so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one
was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage
of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was again working the
late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he
told them about the previous night and his good time
with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks
in again. The bartender motions to his friends that
she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar
and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out.
The bartender closes up shop, and him and all of his
friends take turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift.
His friends show up, with all of their friends, and
so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks
in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes
out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone
has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the
bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want
the usual?"

She looks at him and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes
my pussy sore."

Vortexy · Aug 11, 2006

Friday, August 11, 2006

Hmm.. Everytime I made money at limna/hades outpost/twins/fort fury , only lost it all again at amethra (wanted to try the akoz's competition). Burned like 1k peds of ammo there and still not a single global (but got some stuff like gremlin arm, ambu skin, etc).

They either frop nothing or big?

Give me an ATH damn it!

Dead Rabbit

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one
day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in
his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!

"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny,
they'll hate me forever," he thought.

So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house,
gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his
neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer,
so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the
cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural
causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each
other outside. "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the
neighbor asked.

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris
mumbled.

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his
cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day
after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone
must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back
into the cage! There are some really sick people out
there!"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Sperm Count

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get
a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this…First I tried with my right
hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand,
but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her
left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still
nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she
tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried
we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Talented Pussy

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde
wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is
unable to stop staring at the top of the females' thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and enquires, "Are
you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert
his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very
talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who
is getting really interested, enquires what else the
wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting
the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you
like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "No Shit!! It can whistle
too?!"

Zidane's car

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Vortexy · Aug 11, 2006

Cheap Sale?

Saw that the price of EK 2600 was + 999 to + 1k+. So decided to sell my EK 2600 at a minimal cost and a reasonable BO (only +972).

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Cheapest EK 2600 at the moment but the starting bid is a modest one to ensure sales. With the $$$ hopefully can continue my hunts and enter that Akoz's competition... and with a little luck win the adj fap.

Vortexy · Aug 18, 2006

Friday, August 18, 2006

Wife gave birth to a baby boy on August 15, 2006 (just 2 days away from my birthday.. :laugh:

). Else it would have been a father and son B-day celebration every year. Had to do a caesarean as the baby was too big (3.8kg). Wife still recuperating at home, hence I will not be online so much the next few days (maybe even weeks). Completed the mission of a girl + boy..

So guess two will be enough for us.

Another sleepless night for me for the next six months :scared:

Back to Pe/EU. Sold my ek 2600 for TT + 970.

:cheer:

As usual, loot sux but in crafting got 4 weapon bps (with limited tries). Might try them out soon. (Hoping for a Hof, though unlikely).

Two Whales

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the
coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees
the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago.
Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death,
the male whale says to the female, "Let's go underneath
the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That
ought to knock their boat over, and make them think
twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale
agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling
ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that
most of the sailors are making their way back to the
shore by either swimming or using lifeboats. Not willing
to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells,
"They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"
Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative:
"HEY!", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there
is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

Women Hiking

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or
so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide
to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.
Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the
stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed
to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says
to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys,
and urinate off a bridge." The other woman looks around
and says, "well, I don't see anyone around, now's your
chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and
backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins
to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holly shit!"
she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!" Alarmed,
the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream.
"Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed
in, it was only your reflection."

Vortexy · Aug 22, 2006

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Wow.. It has been a hectic weekend. Will try to post the pic of my new son as soon as I can get it uploaded fromteh camera. Now on average only getting 3 - 4 hours a sleep a day.

Got me a MK IV (a birthday present). Though its range sux, the dmg makes up for it.

Doctor Appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing
her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and
tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back
over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers
in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

College Dance

At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze,
and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies,
"Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and
says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies,
"Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later,
he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to
have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this
a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call
it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat
in it."

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Stranded

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten
years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks
to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little
closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets
even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then,
out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing
a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has
it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her
left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says,
"Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had
a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her
waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and
gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow!
That's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit and she says to him,
"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL
fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got
a computer in there?"

Vortexy · Aug 30, 2006

Wednesday, August 20, 2006

Hunting been sucky lately. Only manage to get 50 - 80 ped globals after spending like 200 - 300 each round.

sigh.. Had to sell my prospecting skills to Franklon to generate 600 peds. Hope that can help with my hunting.

Real life been extra busy. With the arrival of my son, my daughter seems to be overly sensitive.

Have to spend more time with her now. :wise:

College of Logic

Two Men are driving down the interstate when one notices
a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles." Neither
one knows what it means and are both curious. The two
men take the exit to the college and the driver goes
in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain...

Driver: "What does 'College of Logic' mean?"

Prof: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking
you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"

Driver: "Yes, I do."

Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have
a yard."

Driver: "Yes, I have a very big yard."

Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."

Driver: "I have a very big house."

Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family."

Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."

Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."

Driver: "Yes Sir, staight as a board, always have been.
I think I understand what this school is all about,
thank you for your time."

Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue
on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger
asks about the school...

Passenger: "So, what's it all about?"

Driver: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking
you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"

Passenger: "No."

Driver: "Then your a Homo!"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Mowing the Lawn

Bruce is relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the
shade sipping a beer and listening to the radio. As
he chills out, his wife struggles with a manual mower,
pushing up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-
faced. Bruce's next-door-neighbor sees the woman battling
with the mower and shouts across the fence "You pathetic
excuse for a man," he yells "sitting there sipping your
beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should
be bloody well hung." "I am" Bruce shouts back. "That's
why she's doing the grass."

Vortexy · Sep 2, 2006

Saturday, September 2, 2006

Losing streak still on. Sigh , I miss the good old days where a global comes every day.

Anyway am selling the below pic (treatz is the model) on behalf of a friend. Will post more details in the selling thread soon.

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

Basically selling a female green set of

Chili Sombrero

Enigma Bra

Gem Bustier

Havok Thong

Leaf Beret

Queen Stiletto Boots

Rex Top Hat

Tiger Stockings

[lsit]Trix Stiletto heels[/list]

Also will be selling

Urban Nomad White Jumper (F)

Urban Nomad White Slacks (F)

A lady friend and I were out having a few drinks. While we're sitting there
having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new
drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk me into having one.

After a while I give in and let her order the drink for me.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --
A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
I stared at the items quizzically and my friend explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of
Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, I go along and please her,
I put the salt on my tongue -- salty but OK.
I drink the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
I think- this is OK.
Finally I pick up the lime juice and drink it

.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salt curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers my gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint
my friend, I swallow the now nasty drink. When I finally choke it down I
turn to my friend, and say, "DAMN !!, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at me and says,

"Blow Job Revenge"

[br]Click to enlarge[/br]

The Horse and the Rabbit

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse
falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the
rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out
to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer
can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back
to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend,
the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from
sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing
in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud
hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some
help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can
stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width
of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull yourself
up." The the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.

Vortexy · Sep 6, 2006

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Ok. Finally got my lazy arse to upload the pic.

Less time online now as spending more time with my daughter. The son is being cared for by my wife.

Plane Trouble

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

If you look out of the window on the port, or left,
side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine
is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing. If
you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will
observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing
root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached
to the fuselage.

If you look down at the surface of the sea over which
the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange
dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your
flight engineer and myself.

This has been a recorded announcement."

Divorce News

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell
you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five
years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm
sick of talking about this, so you call your sister
in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the
phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts,
"I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately,
and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his
wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving.
Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Vortexy · Sep 14, 2006

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Been busy with work and my new son.

Wish I had 48 hours in a day (the remaining 24 hours for PE).

Now in Pe taking up amp crafting. Want to try my luck since the hunting and mining loots has fizzle out.

Cheap Wine

One night a wino was wandering the streets looking for
a place to sleep for the night. He was so tired that
he ended up crashing in the parking lot of a gay club.
That night two drunk patrons are walking to their car
and see the wino crashed out by the back dumpster. They
walk over to him, flip him over and start doing him
up the ass.When they are done they slip $10 in his pocket
and walk away.

The next morning the wino wakes up and finds $10 in
his pocket. He rushes over to the nearest liquor store
and says, "Give me $10 of your cheapest liquor!". The
clerk obliges.

That night he falls asleep in the same parking lot.
At the end of the evening the same two patrons walk
out of the bar and see him again. They walk over to
him, flip him over and start doing him in the ass, but
this time they leave $20 for him.

The next morning the wino finds the money and goes to
the same liquor store and says, "Give me $20 of your
best liquor. The clerk looks at him and says, "You could
get more if you get the cheap stuff. The wino replies,
"I know, but that cheap shit makes my ass hurt."

Husband & Wife Jokes

A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.

A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.

A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thruogh hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the
other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

What men want: A woman who can cook, a woman who earns good money, a woman who loves him & system to make sure that those 3 women never meet each other!

Lady 2 her maid: Oh Kanta, I hv reason to suspect that my husband is
having an affair with his secretary."
Kanta : I don't believe it! U r just saying that 2 make me jealous!"

Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

Husband: "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me."
Wife replied: "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother & said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Mother replied, "So what do u want from me, sympathy?"

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love & didn't notice."

Man: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.

Wife: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.

Vortexy · Sep 15, 2006

Laughter The Best Medicine

CORPORATE LESSON

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road,

he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted.

She got in and Crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.

He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek; further up, and you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great opportunities!

CORPORATE LESSON

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French,

who found this small genie bottle.

When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,

he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools,

I will give each of you a wish.

When you run towards the pool and jump,

you shout what you want the pool of water to become,

and your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start first.

He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE".

The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.

The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA"
and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER".
He was so contented with His beer pool.

The last is the American.

He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel.

He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Mind your language, you never know what it will Land you in.

CORPORATE LESSON

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower

& the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over who should go and answer the doorbell,

the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word,

Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on".

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel

and stands naked in front of Bob.

Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune,

the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom,

her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $! 800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders
to prevent avoidable exposure!

Vortexy · Sep 22, 2006

Friday, September 22, 2006

New VU graphics are cool. The only setback is the ackward movement (like Michael Jackson Moon walking) and the messed up storage. They also changed the 'materials' needed to craft ore amps. Hmmm.... Some bid to stabilise the gazz price?

Good for us crafters though.

but bad for miners and bot hunters.

Speeding

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the
woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway
patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were
speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he
say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he
say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I
spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a
woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he
say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Pig

The differences between men and women:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.
A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass
each other the woman leans out the window and yells:
"PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and
replies "BITCH." They each continue on their way, as
the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig
in the middle of the road.

Single Woman

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap

1 toothbrush

1 tube toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 single serving cereal

1 single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single
are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically, "How
did you guess?" He replies, "because you're fucking
ugly!"

Rocket Scientist

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically
to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,
military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at
maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed
trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was
fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control
console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results
of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield,
and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

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