100 Peds for you best EU joke
- Thread starter lulucocoaliston
- Start date
Q: Why was the Exarosaur?
A: Cos the Berycled Attacker
...wha? Think I haven't been in EU long enough.
Midori Fairlona
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- Midori Beretrena Fairlona
One day an Atrax, an Atrox and a Malcruentor were sitting around a camp fire picking over the bones of an unfortunate colonist.
"I'm bored," said the Atrax, "we haven't had anything to eat or drink for hours, I'm going into town to grab a beer!"
"Are you mad?" asked the Atrox, "Someone as slow as you couldn't break into a town."
"You must be mad," said the Malcruentor, "The defence turrets will kill you."
"I don't care," said the Atrax before marching off to town.
A few hours later the Atrax returned with a satisfied grin plastered over his face. "How did it go?" asked the Atrox.
"Well, I went into the bar but they didn't have any beer," replied the Atrax, "so I ate a tasty noob in OJs."
"Wow," said the Malcruentor, "I'm impressed someone as slow as you could pull it off."
The next day the three were sitting around the same camp fire when the Atrox spoke up, "I think I will go into town today and grab a beer myself."
"Are you mad?" asked the Malcruentor, "Someone as weak as you couldn't break into a town."
"You must be mad," said the Atrax, "The defence turrets will kill you."
"I don't care," said the Atrox before marching off to town.
A few hours later the Atrox returned with a satisfied grin plastered over his face. "How did it go?" asked the Malcruentor.
"Well, I went into the bar but they were still expecting a shipment," replied the Atrox, "so I ate the bartender."
"Wow," said the Atrax, "Maybe I should have done that."
The next day the three were again sitting around the camp fire when the Malcruentor spoke up, "I'm going into town for a beer today. If you small fry can manage it then I can too."
"Are you mad?" asked the Atrax, "Someone as big as you couldn't sneak into a town."
"You must be mad," said the Atrox, "The defence turrets will kill you."
"I don't care," said the Malcruentor before marching off to town.
Several hours later the Malcruentor returned, hobbling along on crutches with bandages wrapped over most of his body.
"What the hell happened to you?" exclaimed the Atrax and Atrox together.
"Marco was serving drinks"
"I'm bored," said the Atrax, "we haven't had anything to eat or drink for hours, I'm going into town to grab a beer!"
"Are you mad?" asked the Atrox, "Someone as slow as you couldn't break into a town."
"You must be mad," said the Malcruentor, "The defence turrets will kill you."
"I don't care," said the Atrax before marching off to town.
A few hours later the Atrax returned with a satisfied grin plastered over his face. "How did it go?" asked the Atrox.
"Well, I went into the bar but they didn't have any beer," replied the Atrax, "so I ate a tasty noob in OJs."
"Wow," said the Malcruentor, "I'm impressed someone as slow as you could pull it off."
The next day the three were sitting around the same camp fire when the Atrox spoke up, "I think I will go into town today and grab a beer myself."
"Are you mad?" asked the Malcruentor, "Someone as weak as you couldn't break into a town."
"You must be mad," said the Atrax, "The defence turrets will kill you."
"I don't care," said the Atrox before marching off to town.
A few hours later the Atrox returned with a satisfied grin plastered over his face. "How did it go?" asked the Malcruentor.
"Well, I went into the bar but they were still expecting a shipment," replied the Atrox, "so I ate the bartender."
"Wow," said the Atrax, "Maybe I should have done that."
The next day the three were again sitting around the camp fire when the Malcruentor spoke up, "I'm going into town for a beer today. If you small fry can manage it then I can too."
"Are you mad?" asked the Atrax, "Someone as big as you couldn't sneak into a town."
"You must be mad," said the Atrox, "The defence turrets will kill you."
"I don't care," said the Malcruentor before marching off to town.
Several hours later the Malcruentor returned, hobbling along on crutches with bandages wrapped over most of his body.
"What the hell happened to you?" exclaimed the Atrax and Atrox together.
"Marco was serving drinks"
Mandy
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A short EU humour related story:
https://www.planetcalypsoforum.com/...2367-story-why-mobs-arent-friendly-noobs.html
https://www.planetcalypsoforum.com/...2367-story-why-mobs-arent-friendly-noobs.html
Congadawg
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Here's a few lame ones I made up on the spot. Not really even funny lol.
Q: Why did the mob get grounded?
A: Cause he got a feff on his maff test.
Q: Why did the mob get arrested?
A: Because he was in-trox-icated.
Q: Why did the mob stand up his date?
A: Because there was no Atrax-shun.
A noob asked his mentor if he should change weapons, or stay with the SIB handgun he's been using for a while. His mentor replied wisely. "Stay the Korss."
lol... if you think these were bad, feel sorry for my soc. They have to hear em on a daily basis.
Q: Why did the mob get grounded?
A: Cause he got a feff on his maff test.
Q: Why did the mob get arrested?
A: Because he was in-trox-icated.
Q: Why did the mob stand up his date?
A: Because there was no Atrax-shun.
A noob asked his mentor if he should change weapons, or stay with the SIB handgun he's been using for a while. His mentor replied wisely. "Stay the Korss."
lol... if you think these were bad, feel sorry for my soc. They have to hear em on a daily basis.
JohnCapital
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Here are a few
Q: It is considered bad taste to discuss two subjects with naked miners. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Tape measures.
- One time I killed an Atrox wearing nothing but Reilly Boots. How it got in the boots, I'll never know.
- I wanted to be a hair stylist, but I just couldn't cut it.
- I skilled a long time to become a healer, but I didn't have any patients.
- I used to be a melee hunter, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
- In the news: Energetic Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery
Q: It is considered bad taste to discuss two subjects with naked miners. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Tape measures.
DanBoogzUnknown
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Many great entrys, i like this, short and sweet.
Congadawg
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This isn't original, but just for fun I'm gonna take my favorite joke and give it the EU twist.
A Boorum walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his penis. The bartender asks "Hey mate, ye know ye got a steering wheel hangin' from yer willie." "Aye" the boorum replies. "It's been drivin' me nuts all day!"
lmao
A Boorum walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his penis. The bartender asks "Hey mate, ye know ye got a steering wheel hangin' from yer willie." "Aye" the boorum replies. "It's been drivin' me nuts all day!"
lmao
Staffas
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JohnnCapital, Mandy and LetumLatro all applied to become members of Warants.
They all recieved a PM telling them to meet up at Akmuul TP.
At the TP they find Skalman requesting one test to prove that they are loyal to Warants and have realy surrendered their previous societys.
The test is:
Wait untill you find your previus soc leader getting a global in PvP4 and run in and kill them and return with the loot.
JohnCapital is up first, he sees the global and runs into PvP4. He returns 10 minutes later, crying, and says that he could not loot his previous soc leader since he have had such a bad hunting return lately and he felt to sorry for him.
Mandy is second, sees the global, runs into PvP4 and returns 10 minutes later. Mandy to fails to loot the previous soc leader due to feelings towards his old soc leader.
Time for LetumLatro, he sees the global, runs in and returns after 5 minutes. before anyone have time to say anything, LetumLatro runs to the TT gets more ammo runs back in PvP4. After 2 hours the revival area is filled with people from all different socs including 4 people from Warants.
When he returns, Skalman asks him why he killed the other Warants members, when LetumLatro screams:
"You are not Robots, you should all DIE!!!"
hmmm, this didnt come out as funny as I thought, but hell, I gave it a try.
Sorry for the names used, I hope that non is offended.
Another Joke would be:
"MA have scamed me, they stole my Rancher Hat from my apt!!!"
They all recieved a PM telling them to meet up at Akmuul TP.
At the TP they find Skalman requesting one test to prove that they are loyal to Warants and have realy surrendered their previous societys.
The test is:
Wait untill you find your previus soc leader getting a global in PvP4 and run in and kill them and return with the loot.
JohnCapital is up first, he sees the global and runs into PvP4. He returns 10 minutes later, crying, and says that he could not loot his previous soc leader since he have had such a bad hunting return lately and he felt to sorry for him.
Mandy is second, sees the global, runs into PvP4 and returns 10 minutes later. Mandy to fails to loot the previous soc leader due to feelings towards his old soc leader.
Time for LetumLatro, he sees the global, runs in and returns after 5 minutes. before anyone have time to say anything, LetumLatro runs to the TT gets more ammo runs back in PvP4. After 2 hours the revival area is filled with people from all different socs including 4 people from Warants.
When he returns, Skalman asks him why he killed the other Warants members, when LetumLatro screams:
"You are not Robots, you should all DIE!!!"
hmmm, this didnt come out as funny as I thought, but hell, I gave it a try.
Sorry for the names used, I hope that non is offended.
Another Joke would be:
"MA have scamed me, they stole my Rancher Hat from my apt!!!"
Mandy
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Might I suggest you change at least one of them then. Guess which?
It's not that it's actually offensive (although it would be better to use totally random/fictional names), but you used the wrong gender in the context of the joke, and in any case it doesn't fit if the person mentioned is the Soc Leader.
A resident of Calypso was frustrated with his trading business...
"What is it with these damn Monopoly's? They just taking over everything, isn't it bad enough MA taking all our decay? Now these guys too?! I'm gonna destroy them!"
While complaining, a mexican immigrant staring on, bewildered, runs off and returns with a man in uniform....
"Senor! Senor! Dees ees de man!"
The officer approaches, slaps handcuffs on the citizen and begins reading him his rights...
"What the?! What's going on!?"
The officer asks the immigrant...
"Sir, is this the terrorist?"
The immigrant responds...
"Cee, Senor! Dees ees de man! Cabrone say he ees plan to destroy the mino-police!"
Dry, but I tried
"What is it with these damn Monopoly's? They just taking over everything, isn't it bad enough MA taking all our decay? Now these guys too?! I'm gonna destroy them!"
While complaining, a mexican immigrant staring on, bewildered, runs off and returns with a man in uniform....
"Senor! Senor! Dees ees de man!"
The officer approaches, slaps handcuffs on the citizen and begins reading him his rights...
"What the?! What's going on!?"
The officer asks the immigrant...
"Sir, is this the terrorist?"
The immigrant responds...
"Cee, Senor! Dees ees de man! Cabrone say he ees plan to destroy the mino-police!"
Dry, but I tried
JohnCapital
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in any case it doesn't fit if the person mentioned is the Soc Leader.
Aye, I liked the idea, but the execution was a bit rough.
And Mandy's right. I think you happened to pick three folks who are all soc leaders.
Congadawg
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A resident of Calypso was frustrated with his trading business...
"What is it with these damn Monopoly's? They just taking over everything, isn't it bad enough MA taking all our decay? Now these guys too?! I'm gonna destroy them!"
While complaining, a mexican immigrant staring on, bewildered, runs off and returns with a man in uniform....
"Senor! Senor! Dees ees de man!"
The officer approaches, slaps handcuffs on the citizen and begins reading him his rights...
"What the?! What's going on!?"
The officer asks the immigrant...
"Sir, is this the terrorist?"
The immigrant responds...
"Cee, Senor! Dees ees de man! Cabrone say he ees plan to destroy the mino-police!"
Dry, but I tried
OMG lol!! Just cheesy enough for my taste. Good job. lol.
kyleen
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I thought I'd post this cuz i found it hilarious. Its not mine, i just quoted it off Lykke She gets the credit.
A n00b gets onto an hangar and sits next to The Nun in the front seat. The n00b looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at CP. When the Hangar starts again, the pilot says to the n00b, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The n00b of course says that he'd love to know, so the pilot tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight The Nun goes to the Church's hideout at PA mall, floor 3 #3, to pray to Lootius. "If you went dressed in Angel armor and some glowing powder," says the pilot, "You could tell her you were Lootius and command her to have sex with you."
The n00b decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to Anshe's bank, borrows money, then to the OgiMini's renting service to rent an Angel and then to PA mall, floor 3 # 3 and waits for The Nun. Right on schedule, The Nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the n00b jumps out from the Lykke Wooden Chest from the floor in front of the alter, in Angel armor and glowing with the Angel Helmet of Lootius. "I am Lootius, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The Nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The n00b agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with The Nun.
After the n00b finishes, he rips off his Angel Helmet and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the n00b! "
The Nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the Pilot!"
She gets the credit.A n00b gets onto an hangar and sits next to The Nun in the front seat. The n00b looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at CP. When the Hangar starts again, the pilot says to the n00b, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The n00b of course says that he'd love to know, so the pilot tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight The Nun goes to the Church's hideout at PA mall, floor 3 #3, to pray to Lootius. "If you went dressed in Angel armor and some glowing powder," says the pilot, "You could tell her you were Lootius and command her to have sex with you."
The n00b decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to Anshe's bank, borrows money, then to the OgiMini's renting service to rent an Angel and then to PA mall, floor 3 # 3 and waits for The Nun. Right on schedule, The Nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the n00b jumps out from the Lykke Wooden Chest from the floor in front of the alter, in Angel armor and glowing with the Angel Helmet of Lootius. "I am Lootius, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The Nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The n00b agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with The Nun.
After the n00b finishes, he rips off his Angel Helmet and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the n00b! "
The Nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the Pilot!"
Dinfred Dino
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Once, after camping feffs at Fury all day long, a hunter decided to take some rest. He was peacefully sleeping until about 4 AM, when a distant call: "Fuck off!" woke him up. He tried to sleep some more, but another "Fuck off!", already closer, killed his last hope for that. So he decided to crawl out of his bed and go for an early morning hunt.
Some minutes into hunt he noticed a green dot rapidly approaching from the west: a noob, running his ass off, followed by a dozen of angry feffs and trying to defend himself with a tt ore finder. Seeing that, the hunter said: “Hey there! Don’t you know that ore finders are useless for that? Maybe just die to save your time?”
"Fuck off !!!"
Some minutes into hunt he noticed a green dot rapidly approaching from the west: a noob, running his ass off, followed by a dozen of angry feffs and trying to defend himself with a tt ore finder. Seeing that, the hunter said: “Hey there! Don’t you know that ore finders are useless for that? Maybe just die to save your time?”
"Fuck off !!!"
Princess_Fiona
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hm
What did the Umbranoid get for xmas? MY BIKE! haha
What did the Umbranoid get for xmas? MY BIKE! haha
Princess_Fiona
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or this
Fiona: "Hey FilthyMcNasty, i think we're in Treasure Island City.."
FilthyMcNasty: "Oh ya? Why do you say that?"
Fiona: "That feffoid we shot back there, he say something bout sunny beaches!"
Fiona: "Hey FilthyMcNasty, i think we're in Treasure Island City.."
FilthyMcNasty: "Oh ya? Why do you say that?"
Fiona: "That feffoid we shot back there, he say something bout sunny beaches!"
Satans
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Ok, here's a joke....
''Marco, Emma & Simon invents a musical toilet. New MA profit idea..
First goes in Emma...
Minutes later, she comes out...
M & S - ''Well how it was ?''
E- ''Meh... sounded like slow Waltz''
Then goes in Simon...
Minutes later, he comes out...
M & E - ''Well how it was?''
S - ''Meh... sounded like hard rock''
Then goes in Marco...
Minutes later, he comes out.. and seems like he crapped him self..
S & E - ''Why did you crap your self ?''
M - ''Meh... sounded like anthem''
Another one. ..
Snable and hogglo meets up in the forest..
Snable starts to laugh and says..
''hahaha you have such a fat ass''
Hogglo says..
''What are you laughing about ? You have two dicks in your face..''
AAAAnd another one...
Tamed snable near corinth estates, is cleaning off sand from lawn.
Neighbour snable confused is staring at other snable..
Then that snable sadly turns arround and says..
''And it all started with me learning how to fetch...''
''Marco, Emma & Simon invents a musical toilet. New MA profit idea..
First goes in Emma...
Minutes later, she comes out...
M & S - ''Well how it was ?''
E- ''Meh... sounded like slow Waltz''
Then goes in Simon...
Minutes later, he comes out...
M & E - ''Well how it was?''
S - ''Meh... sounded like hard rock''
Then goes in Marco...
Minutes later, he comes out.. and seems like he crapped him self..
S & E - ''Why did you crap your self ?''
M - ''Meh... sounded like anthem''
Another one. ..
Snable and hogglo meets up in the forest..
Snable starts to laugh and says..
''hahaha you have such a fat ass''
Hogglo says..
''What are you laughing about ? You have two dicks in your face..''
AAAAnd another one...
Tamed snable near corinth estates, is cleaning off sand from lawn.
Neighbour snable confused is staring at other snable..
Then that snable sadly turns arround and says..
''And it all started with me learning how to fetch...''
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De Hotte
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.
I think this is one of my best:
https://www.planetcalypsoforum.com/...please-what-do-i-do-wrong-dropping-bombs.html
All the best! Hotte
I think this is one of my best: https://www.planetcalypsoforum.com/...please-what-do-i-do-wrong-dropping-bombs.html
All the best! Hotte
Ze-Tomb Raider
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You know you play this game too much when you look outside and see a bird and wonder if its a global.
My favorite original EU joke.
My favorite original EU joke.
The Salamander
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- Honor "The Salamander" Harrington
Let's try this one, with a visual aid to boot...
Flat Broke and Flat Chest are two society friends out for a hunt one day. They blow hundreds of PED each, and they're constantly seeing no loot after no loot, and 20 pec loots when they spend several peds to kill the mob. After a while, with not even a low TT global to show for their efforts, loads of decay and a serious loss, they start spewing curses to the sky. Suddenly they both run out of ammo as a single argo runs up and gradually chips away at them both, sending them packing to a nearby mobile service center. After reviving, Flat Broke and Flat Chest blow the last of their savings on ammo and start running outside and down the ramp hoping for redemption, with Flat Broke yelling out "for the love of God, Mindark, give us at least one stinking global!" As they're running down the ramp, Flat Chest looks to the side and sees Mindark's response.... imagine looking at a blue hand...
Flat Broke and Flat Chest are two society friends out for a hunt one day. They blow hundreds of PED each, and they're constantly seeing no loot after no loot, and 20 pec loots when they spend several peds to kill the mob. After a while, with not even a low TT global to show for their efforts, loads of decay and a serious loss, they start spewing curses to the sky. Suddenly they both run out of ammo as a single argo runs up and gradually chips away at them both, sending them packing to a nearby mobile service center. After reviving, Flat Broke and Flat Chest blow the last of their savings on ammo and start running outside and down the ramp hoping for redemption, with Flat Broke yelling out "for the love of God, Mindark, give us at least one stinking global!" As they're running down the ramp, Flat Chest looks to the side and sees Mindark's response.... imagine looking at a blue hand...
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lulucocoaliston
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wow didnt expect this kind of response this is gonna be harder than I thought, my daughter keeps looking at me stupid,wondering why I am laughing.
Keep up the good work.
Keep up the good work.
timmmers
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Two hunters are out hunting and loot isn't great, mostly hides in fact. A red dot appears right on the edge of radar, and heads right at them at great speed...the more experienced guy starts dropping his hides on the ground where anyone can pick them up...his n00b team mate is puzzled and asks why?
"see that dot coming at us that can only be a mutated chirpy and they kill in one hit, they can run faster than any ava, and if we die here we revive at a really bad outpost where ubers can't escape...so I'm losing weight so I can run faster" explains the 1st hunter as he starts off running away.
"I thought you can't outrun these mobs ..so why lose weight??" asks the puzzled newbie.
"You can't outrun them but I only need to outrun you mate" replies the green dot vanishing off radar..
t
"see that dot coming at us that can only be a mutated chirpy and they kill in one hit, they can run faster than any ava, and if we die here we revive at a really bad outpost where ubers can't escape...so I'm losing weight so I can run faster" explains the 1st hunter as he starts off running away.
"I thought you can't outrun these mobs ..so why lose weight??" asks the puzzled newbie.
"You can't outrun them but I only need to outrun you mate
" replies the green dot vanishing off radar..t
MoFo
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A group of people were up on CND hunting Daspletor, but then there was one they just couldn't kill. one guy says to the others whats the go with this dasp just don't wanna go down. out of know were they here a small voice say i'm to young to die!
not that funny but worth a go
gl every one
not that funny but worth a go
gl every one
TommyDaGreat
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Two atroxes were sitting at the oil rig, discussing health problems.
The first one complains that he gets so fat all the time:
- Colonists, exarosaurs, oil... And it doesn't matter how much I run around to get my exercise. I still remain fat!
The second atrox tries to rub his belly as well as he can with one of his tiny little mini-arms and agrees:
-I try to eat everything I see here too but it is to no avail. I grow fatter all the time. It's a real pain in the ass.
After a while another Atrox shows up with a really slim figure. The two Atroxes looks towards him in despair and asks him what his trick is.
The goodlooking atrox looks back at them and give them the answer:
-It is all about the fat in your food consumption. It started with a huge misunderstanding which made me become a vegetarian by mistake.
The two atroxes looks at each other with confusion in their eyes.
- An Atrox? Vegetarian?
-Yeah, I kind of misunderstood it one day when I heard someone at the rig say that a daily dose of orange juice was healthy for you...
The first one complains that he gets so fat all the time:
- Colonists, exarosaurs, oil... And it doesn't matter how much I run around to get my exercise. I still remain fat!
The second atrox tries to rub his belly as well as he can with one of his tiny little mini-arms and agrees:
-I try to eat everything I see here too but it is to no avail. I grow fatter all the time. It's a real pain in the ass.
After a while another Atrox shows up with a really slim figure. The two Atroxes looks towards him in despair and asks him what his trick is.
The goodlooking atrox looks back at them and give them the answer:
-It is all about the fat in your food consumption. It started with a huge misunderstanding which made me become a vegetarian by mistake.
The two atroxes looks at each other with confusion in their eyes.
- An Atrox? Vegetarian?
-Yeah, I kind of misunderstood it one day when I heard someone at the rig say that a daily dose of orange juice was healthy for you...