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1000 EFD for a Joke

Woodger

Woodger

Prowler
Joined
Sep 24, 2007
Posts
1,105
Location
West Yorkshire, UK
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Avatar Name
Raven Woodger Night
I need a laugh and I'm bored

1500 efd to the person who posts the joke which makes me laugh the most in the next couple of hours

go go go :)
 
Last edited:
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop...
 
how did the redneck find his sister in the woods?






pretty good.
 
A farmer stumbles into his house late one night where his wife is working away in the kitchen with a sheep under his arm and proclaims "This is the pig I been fucking!". The wife replies "You silly old fool that ain`t no pig it`s a sheep". To which the farmer replies "I was talking to the sheep".
 
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
 
a man is thinking about a fish. The fish didn't think so.


lame :p but works
 
Q: Why don't rabbits make noise when they're going at it?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact with women?
A: Because breasts don't have eyes.

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked".

Edit: Only 3 I could think of when pressed for time.
 
So this guy dies and goes to hell...

He starts talking to the first guy he sees.. Hey is this hell?

"yeah, it is"

Oh no this is horrible....

"Actually its not that bad"

Really, how is that?

"Well do you like Rock and Roll?" Sure I like rock and roll!

"Well monday is rock day, we sit around and listen to ACDC and the stones all day long and bang our heads" Hey that dosent sound to bad..

"Do you like to drink alcohol?" Yes, I do!!!

"Tuesday is drinking day, we get up and start pounding beers, doing shots, and we dont quit all day!!!" Hey, thats sounds pretty good!...

"Do you like drugs?" SURE I DO...

"Wendesday is dope day, we smoke crack and do meth all day long, you can have any drug you want!!" Holy shit that sounds like lots of fun!

"Do you like to gamble?" Oh yeah i love to gamble....

"Thursday is gambling day we play craps in the morning, poker in the afternoon, and Entropia all night!" WOW, that sounds awesome!!!!!

"Do you like anal sex?" UH.......NO

"Your not gunna like Friday very much"



:yay:
 
One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where The Devil is waiting for him."I don't know exactly what to do here," says the Devil. "I see that you are on my list, but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Clinton agreed that this sounded like a fair deal , so as they walked together...he and the Devil checked the first door they came upon.In the room was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in over and over and surfacing empty handed. Such was his fate in hell."What do you say?" the Devil asked. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil raised his eyebrows, looked at Bill silently, and then led him along to the next door. Inside was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time."Well?"said the Devil. "No", Bill said. "I've got this problem shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day".

The Devil was understanding and took Biill down the hallway to another room. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in disbelief and cheerfully said, "Yea, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
 
Superman was flying over the city of Metropolis as usual, but he was ultra horny. Suddenly he spotted Wonderwoman lying naked on one of the roofs. “Wow, I can’t miss this opportunity” he thought. He flew down and did his thing (took about 1 sec using his super powers), then flew away again, satisfied.
“WTH was that!?” Wonderwoman shouted.
“I’ve no clue, but damn, my ass is sore!” Said The Invisible man

Lol, I've only heard it in Swedish so it was kinda hard to translate it :D
 
narfi said:
The avatar known as Fopsie.

https://www.planetcalypsoforum.com/forums/hunting/154871-item-spliting-teams-fair-not.html

https://www.planetcalypsoforum.com/forums/pvp/153882-die-kommando-wanted-efd-bounty.html

not really funny... but its the best i could come up with on short notice.

narfi
Click to expand...

Poisonhearts said:
Best I could do, hope you like it.

The avatar known as Fopsie.

https://www.planetcalypsoforum.com/forums/hunting/154871-item-spliting-teams-fair-not.html

https://www.planetcalypsoforum.com/forums/pvp/153882-die-kommando-wanted-efd-bounty.html

not really funny... but its the best i could come up with on short notice.

Poisonhearts
Click to expand...

Umm... what?:scratch2:
 
No blonde jokes yet? :D

Why does a blonde have two glasses on her night stand, one full of water and the other empty?

If she wakes up during the night and is thirsty she will drink the water. The empty glass is there just incase she isn't thirsty.
 
Ok...here s one from work:

A doctor and a nurse are transporting a patient to operation theater.

The nurse keeps repeating: no worries, even if it is your first operation, everything will be allright!

The patient replies: I am not worried!

The nurse answers: I am not talking to you, I am talking to the doctor!
 
I wish my lawn was EMO, so it could cut it self! :yay:
 
Two fish in a tank...

One turns to the other and says....









How the hell do we drive this thing?
 
A young vantriloquest had just got his first gig after months of practicing.

He sat down with his wooden dummy and started his routine, the packed crowd seemed to be eating it up and he was filled with confidence.

He decided to throw a blode joke in and to his dismay a blonde woman in the front row stood up and let him have it.

"Crap like this is un acceptable in this day and age, hair colour has nothing to do with intelligence, I have been hounded by these sterotypes all my life and it has hampered my success at every turn. People like you are scum and should be locked away... etc"

Feeling very embarrassed the young man started to apologise unreservable "i'm soo sorry i didn't mean to...."

The blond lady interupted with "shut up u, I'm talking to the arrogent little bastard on ur knee!"
 
Two jokes you might like... dumb, but the only ones I can always think of:


What did the male fly say to his female partner to express his deepest feelings?
"Honey, I love you more than shit"


Why doesnt a snake have balls?
Cause he'd look like a dick.




I told you they were dumb :laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
Due to National Health Sevice cutbacks, couples seeking IVF treatment are being told to go fuck themselves.
 
JOKE #1

Story about a little brothel

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

================================

JOKE #2

Why are men smarter during sex?

:dunno:

DUH!! :hammer:

Because they're plugged into a GENIUS!! :D

================================

JOKE #3

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

=============================

JOKE #4 thru a Gazillion

You can always go to ... THIS thread for a bazillion laughs ... be forewarned though ... it will keep you busy for hours and hours! :D



.
 
True Juan said:
Two jokes you might like... dumb, but the only ones I can always think of:


What did the male fly say to his female partner to express his deepest feelings?
"Honey, I love you more than shit"


Why doesnt a snake have balls?
Cause he'd look like a dick.




I told you they were dumb :laugh::laugh::laugh:
Click to expand...



LMAO.... surefire winner there folks

Thanks for cheering me up ppls :)

Woodger
 
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam"

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 25 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 16 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
 
Old woman vs lawyer

A lawyer and an older woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. Pumped from winning an important case, the lawyer introduces himself and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The old woman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the woman's attention; and to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question."What' s the distance from the earth to the moon?" The woman doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the old woman's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he surfs the Net and even checks the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Iranian lady and hands her $500. The woman takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? "The old lady reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep
 
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