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Paper bag joke: truly dreadful, sorry if you ignore my warning and still decide to read it

Oracle

Oracle

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Oracle Kev FountofWisdom
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see
what that shows,

Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

‘What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'
Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked
the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood
transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'
NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor
.... .... ...... ....













'Your mother must have been a carrier'
 
Why'd the orange stop in the middle of the road?


































Ran outta juice.
=================================





























KU football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head Coach Turner Gill immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate. After a complete analysis experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after a special agent decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
 
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Did you hear about the cowboy that got arrested while wearing a brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, a brown paper hat and brown paper boots?











He was rustling.
 
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one cannibal says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
Grasshopper goes into a bar, ask's the barman for a drink, the barman says

"hey we have a cocktail named after you!"

to which the grasshopper replies

"what?... Trevor"
 
Three midgets wander in the woods and become lost in the mists of the night.
Through the trees they see a crooked cottage built out of cold stone.
They approach with caution and knock three times on the door. TOK! TOK! TOK!
An old riddled faced lady quietly opens the door to our three tiny friends.
The old womans asks our heroes what brings them to this strange place.
One of the midgets say: We are lost! We need a place to stay the night and sleep!
The old woman opens the door wide open and says: Please enter :)
They enter the cottage. With the first step inside, they notice a weird smell in the atmosphere, very humid like smell.
The old lady tells them, IF you want to sleep the night, you must sleep with my three daughters.
with O_O eyes, our heroes accept the deal and are led up some crooked stairs that lead to three doors.
Door 1, door 2 and door 3.

Each of the midgets enters a room and stay the night.
During the night the old lady climbs cautiously up the crackling stairs and on each door she presses her ear against the door to hear whats going on.

On door no.1 she hears laughing.
On door no.2 she hears normal sex noise
and on door no.3 she hears crying.

The next morning the lady invites here 3 daughters and the midgets to the kitchen table to discuss.
She asks the one from door 1, why were you laughing? She replies: Its was soo tiny it tickled me. hihihihhi
The old lady then says to the one in door no.2, as i heard, everything was normal in there, the daughter replies: Yes mother!

and finally for door no.3, she asks her daughter, Why were you crying dear?, she replies, he couldint hop on the bed :(.
 
a stoopid joke but meh..


A intelligent blonde, the toothfairy and a dentist are in a elevator. The elevator crashes. Who will survive?















The dentist because the other two dont exist......
 
Kristoliquid said:
a stoopid joke but meh..


A intelligent blonde, the toothfairy and a dentist are in a elevator. The elevator crashes. Who will survive?

The dentist because the other two dont exist......
Click to expand...


A blonde a brunette and a redhead are in an elevator. The brunette says hey that looks like cum on the wall!
The redhead smells it and says "Yeah it`s cum alright."
The blonde tastes is and says "Hmmm, not anyone in this building."
 
A blonde is driving down the highway when she sees a brunette up ahead standing on the narrow island in the middle of the road....
The blonde is concerned so she pulls over and walks back to check on the other girl...
As she approaches she can hear the brunette saying softly, "Four, four, four, four...".
"Is something wrong miss?"
No reply from the brunette, she just continues to repeat "Four, four, four, four...".
"Miss, are you ok?" Inquires the blonde...
"Four, four, four, four...".
By now the blonde is starting to get seriously freaked out...
"Miss, do you want me to call the po-
WHAM!!!!
A passing car slams into the blonde flipping her into the air and killing her instantly...
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
"Five, five, five, five..."


Blackjack :cowboy:
 
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts,

"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you

didn’t pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.

Eats shoots and leaves."
 
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
 
A man was quietly relaxing one evening watching television in his home when he heard a knock at the door

He was rather pissed off that someone was bothering him while he was relaxing and went to see who it was knocking

On opening the door he is greeted by a snail who announces he is a door to door salesman selling the best vacuum cleaner to hit the market in decades, the owner of house wasnt impressed at all that this snail had bothered him duirng his relaxation and promptly kicked the snail as hard as he could and slammed the door an went back to watch televison.

6 months goes by and and the man is making dinner when he hears a knock at the door, he answers the door and see's the snail he kicked 6 months earlier.

The snail looks up and screams at the man "what you bloody do that for?"
 
Heheheeeee!!!

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."


The bartender was crushed to death. :eyecrazy:
 
A dog walks into a saloon, wearing a cowboy hat, boots and spurs with a pair of sixguns on his hips....
The bartender notices a bandage on the dogs foot and says "Can I help you?"
The dog slowly eyes everybody in the room and says....
"Im lookin for the man who shot my paw..."

Blackjack :cowboy:
 
A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says:
why the long face!:laugh:


the horse had cancer :<




not funny now is it!
 
A vampire and a zombie were at the bar talking. The vampire says "Man you won't believe it! My wife had a baby last night." The zombie says "Whoa! Bet you were surprised!?!" The vampire looks down and replies "Yeah man she started cramping up and BAM out came the baby on to the floor all bloody and such."

"What did you do then?" Said the zombie.

The vampire replied "Well, I picked up the baby and ate it."

The zombie looked at the vampire with disgust and horror and says "Damn it man! Don't eat off the FLOOR!!!"
 
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."


PITEEEEEEW!!!! LASER DMG!!!!
 
Kristoliquid said:
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."


PITEEEEEEW!!!! LASER DMG!!!!
Click to expand...

HAHAAA!!!! Nice one! :D
 
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